Imaginary Ordinary

I'm Moving

2011-08-30T13:05:00.004+08:00

Attention, attention! I have had a home on the World Wide Web here for seven years now. But I'm shifting. This blog will not be closed. It has a history I want to remember.

My new home is at: a-man-dah.tumblr.com. If you're still interested in life and my take on it, come on over. Fare thee well, beloved blog! Thy services have been much valued and thou will be kindly preserved at this very place.

2011-05-27T18:05:00.000+08:00

There's no guarantee. In fact, there never was. We made our promises and we made our pacts. And if I were to remember correctly, I said forever. Funny how we say things that we mean at the time, but which lose that very meaning over time itself. My only explanation, my only excuse is that I was being honest. It was the truth. For what it's worth, I promise you, at that time, I meant it.

2011-05-22T14:04:00.000+08:00

... And We Play Our True Selves The Worst

2011-05-16T12:09:00.001+08:00

Him: "Everyone is designed to fall apart."

Me: "So scream, vent, curse. Do what you're designed to do. It's OK to fall apart. 'Cause I'm here."

Shakespeare wrote, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Oh, how true. We're all top-notch actors. Each day, with a keen sense of familiarity and skills honed by years of routine, we put on masks. All at once comfortable and effortless. They shield who we really are or they merely let us cover up the fact that we don't know who we really are. Either way, we all deserve an Academy Award at best for being such adroit purveyors of lies.

You meet people everyday - strangers, acquaintances, friends. You recognize faces. You observe patterns. You overhear conversations. So often what you see are smiles, laughter, jokes. They're all signs of being OK. But someone could be standing right next to you or heck, could even be talking to you and yet you haven't a single inkling that they're in the process of falling apart, losing themselves, breaking down.

Why hide it? If we are all one and the same, there is no reason to pretend. Strange how we, of our own volition, subject ourselves to emotional atrophy. Do you think it makes you look stronger? No, it makes your pain last longer. But really, why hide it? And I'm not saying that you should let your emotions loose on the people around you. 'Cause quite frankly, not everyone cares. What I'm saying is that you're clever enough to differentiate between who cares and who doesn't. Know that the world is filled with as many pretenders as you, but in spite of that, life is not as pretentious and hopeless as you may think 'cause in the majority of all that, there remains a minority in your life that is true and real.

Just as my answer was, you can do what you're designed to do and fall apart in front of me. I know how it feels. I can understand what you're saying. I can relate to what you're going through. So just handle it the way you know best. If it's crying, cry. If it's being silent, shut up. If it's cursing, go wild. If it's rambling, don't stop. 'Cause I'm here. But I'm only here for awhile. I'll be gone soon, just like the many people that have come and gone in your life. But right now, for this uncertain amount of time, I'm here. You could very well say the same to me. And I know that. We all know that. We all know that the people we love now probably aren't always gonna be around. In the end, just as we were when we first came into this world, so will we be on our own. (But of course, save for One. Hehe.) So let's not take them for granted. Use them and exploit them - in the purest, most well-intentioned sense of the word. :)

All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players

They have their exits and their entrances

And one man in his time plays many parts

Last scene of all

That ends this strange eventful history

Is second childishness and mere oblivion

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything

- William Shakespeare

2011-05-10T14:00:00.000+08:00

I wish. Sky, please open up and pour down. Give me my favourite weather.

2011-05-06T19:13:00.005+08:00

There is a moment when you look at that one person and you say to yourself, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever." And all along, he was right there, right here. It just took some time for you to look through those very same eyes but this time, see something different.

2011-05-05T19:02:00.000+08:00

2011-05-05T18:18:00.000+08:00

After tonight, who knows where we'll be tomorrow?
What if we're never here again?
After tonight, this will be a lifetime ago
So let's stay up until the sky bleeds red
'Cause this time is ours

- "Ours" by The Bravery

2011-05-04T19:43:00.002+08:00

There's no song louder than love
<3

2011-04-24T19:06:00.002+08:00

Have umbrella, will travel. Preferably a yellow one that flies me up high. :)

2011-04-23T14:49:00.001+08:00

Fear is contagious. You can catch it. Sometimes all it takes is for

someone to say that they're scared for the fear to become real.

That Awkward Moment...

2011-04-22T19:16:00.006+08:00

Lately I've been coming across this line a lot: "That awkward moment when..." At first, it was just another opening to some sentence. But I kept reading it almost everywhere. So it got me thinking, our lives are essentially made up of moments. Just tiny moments that build up and form memories and experiences. It's the tiny details that piece together the larger picture. You can always break it down to a molecular level and start from there, 'cause it's the beginning. And sometimes, those small moments recur over and over again. The funny thing is each time it happens, it doesn't become less awkward. It's always that awkward. D'you realize that? Haha.

So anyway, here's my own list of that awkward moment...

When I sit at the table during lunch with my bunch of friends and suddenly everyone becomes silent. And each of us are just racking our brains to think of what to say next, anything at all, just something.

When someone says something to me or about me and I have no idea how to react. In decelerated response, I stare at them quizzically and quickly look down or away but I can still feel them looking at me. Lol.

When I'm cheering for the wrong team on FIFA 11 and both my friends don't tell me until I start to find it suspicious how they keep laughing and saying stuff like, "She still doesn't get it yet."

When I accidentally drop chocolate pieces down my shirt and unfortunately, someone saw it happen. A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

When I switch on a movie for my parents and I sit through it with them but I'm holding my breath 'cause I don't know if there is any explicit content in it (you can never know with movies these days, tsk tsk). And when there is, I can't leave 'cause then I'd look guilty. Hahaha.

When someone calls me and we spend the time in between speaking with um's and ah's and then an abrupt, "so, yeah, bye". (Silence is worse when you're on the line, 'cause if you were face-to-face, you could look away and pretend to be occupied with something else.)

When I'm walking around SS15 with my pillow in my arms.

When I jump on stage and start playing the guitar with gusto - eyes closed and rock'n'roll mode - but someone signals to me that my cable is not even plugged in. Yes, this actually happened. Sooooo awkward, not to mention embarrassing. Hehe.

When I'm with a friend and we're deliberating whether or not to cross the road but he does and I'm left there looking stupid. Lol.

OK lah. That's about all I can come up with that's happened to me. At the end of the day, I love awkward moments. Besides being awkward, they're usually always funny. *Grins*

2011-04-22T18:32:00.000+08:00

No, actually I did.

Amanda

2011-04-21T23:10:00.010+08:00

I read this somewhere. Now you read it. ;)

Never trust girls whose name starts with A. Ariel, she’s a mermaid but you’re a hydrophobic. Alice is in wonderland and you can’t catch her. Anneliese, too pretty a name for anyone. Anna, palindromes are just tricks that break your heart. Annabelle will just be Anna. Then Amanda, oh Amanda, she has gold streaks in her hair and a golden smile. She dresses in indigo and moves in electrifying speed. You haven’t met her but you want to. She swirls in sonorous purrs and detaches like soft bubbles, she speaks in silver bells and changes her eye colour everyday. She flies kites that remind you of a childhood you never had. She lights fireworks and escapes into tunnels at night. She plays hide and seek and always wins. She wears shoes as tall as skyscrapers but falls gracefully when she trips. She can pronounce Hermès, Jean Paul Gaultier, Lacroix with perfected flair but she doesn’t know syncope, tachycardia or syphilis. She dreams of diamonds and waterfalls in summer. Her skin is scented orchids... And she’s leaving today, tonight.

2011-04-21T22:39:00.001+08:00

The one thing that I look forward to seeing in IKEA everytime. =]

What Happened?

2011-04-13T22:07:00.000+08:00

The last time I wrote here was 26/3. Mm. It's been too long.

Scanning my archive, I realized that my blog was really, really active a year ago. And that's about right. 'Cause a year ago was when things started to change. I started to change. Right now, that's the problem. I'm just not as dreamy and wide-eyed and trusting as I used to be. I don't have the courage to tell things anymore. I've lost being able to express myself with words.

I miss that me. What happened? Half of me has no friggin' idea. And the other half knows, albeit vaguely, the reason behind it. So yeah, I'm only 19 (heck, not even 19 yet) but I already feel jaded and world-weary. Haha. Although that may be due to the fact that I'm an old soul, but y'know, Imma give myself the benefit of the doubt. Let's just say that my head is no longer as high up in the clouds as they were before. Is this what growing up feels like? Ugh. Tak suka.

Now, to you, has that ever happened? You look back and you look at yourself now, and you go, "Damn, what happened?" 'Cause when I started out, I had a jump in my step and a go-out-and-seize-life-by-the-hands spirit. And now, I'm just dragging my feet. I've been keeping it in for a year too long. The only thing I can think of doing is what I know I (used to) do best: write about it. And then again, I'm not actually telling you the whole story. 'Cause according to my friends, I suck like that. So yeah, take this and make what you will of it. I think that's more fun. Lol.

Alas, I'm hoping that maybe the me before is still around. 'Cause I don't think we change completely. Surely there are certain parts that remain that cross over to Me 2.0 or You 2.0. And as John Mayer says it, when I finally "figure out what's wrong with me," I won't exactly be able to say, "This is the way I used to be," BUT I'll be able to say, "There you are. I knew you were there somewhere." :)

Sun, Sun, Sun, Here It Comes

2011-03-26T22:44:00.001+08:00

I haven't written much lately. At least, nothing of much substance. Nothing that comes from inside. Is it any wonder that I'm tired? I've not allowed myself the release that I was once so familiar with, so good at. Which explains why I'm just a really, really full cracking jar. Mm. Cracks running up and down the sides. Threatening to break, but, no, it won't - I won't. I'm only scaring you.

It's a strange and at once dangerous thing. You forget to take care of yourself. And then over time, you start to lose yourself. You think that it's not possible, considering the fact that you're always with yourself - you're you, you know? So how can it be that you would change for, probably the worse and yet not realize it happening. Wow. I sound pretty insane. If you understand this, then you're pretty cool. Haha.

It's possible to spend so much time on everything else except yourself. This might sound a tad ridiculous, but you can pass yourself by everyday. No kidding. Every friggin' day. Lol.

So I'm gonna go find me a sunrise. Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter and it feels like years since it's been here. Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting and it seems like years since it's been clear. But here comes the sun, here comes the sun. And I say, "It's alright." 'Cause it is. It's alright.

I'm Coming Home

2011-03-19T15:09:00.002+08:00

I found out yesterday night that with the right company, everything is better.

Lousy music suddenly sounds pretty alright - and you actually want more.

Bad (or rather zero) lighting suddenly becomes the one thing that sets the ambience.

'Cause when you're where I am, it's never good to be alone.

You need to find those who fit this equation: Specific Person = Comfort = Home.

So can I come home now?

Baby We Can Start Again

2011-03-17T14:41:00.000+08:00

New walls. Plain colours.

Let's start over. A fresh, empty slate.

Maybe we'll get it right this time. Maybe we'll make it ours. Or maybe we'll just find new ways of doing it wrong.

Either way, baby, we can start again.

2011-03-09T21:22:00.002+08:00

Calvin: You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion.

Hobbes: A religion?

Calvin: Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one new number! No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion!

Hobbes: And in the public schools no less. Call a lawyer.

Calvin: As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.

I'm a math atheist. :)

Love for Love's Sake

2011-02-25T21:08:00.000+08:00

We weren't not in love. It's just that the subject, as such, never really came up. It kind of loomed over us like a blissfully stupid cloud. The love cloud.

Maybe what was happening was that we were in love with the idea of being in love. But that's still love, right? Instead of loving each other, we loved an idea. An aspiration. A wish. The other person was more or less an afterthought. Somewhat expendable, or at the very least, interchangeable.

"I love that you make me feel like I'm in love.

You, on the other hand, I can take or leave."

Of course, it was just a matter of time before the truth of each other, the hard fact of our unique selfness, our one-of-a-kind personalities, became unavoidable. Saying goodbye in these circumstances is always very awkward. It happens eventually, usually. Other times, there is no closure.

Don't you think this happens often? Love for love's sake. It shouldn't though. But it does, unfortunately.

Zero Letdown

2011-02-09T20:00:00.000+08:00

When I want to go out to satisfy a craving but no one is free...

When I want to watch a movie but no one will watch it with me...

When I want to play a boring board game but no one will play it with me...

When I want to sleep but I'm too afraid 'cause I just watched a scary documentary...

I'll always have you, my dear little brother. :)

'Cause we're stuck with each other for the rest of our lives. Hehe.

P.S. Thank you for not changing the channel when I watch Handy Manny and being patient with me when I ask for random high fives and make stupid faces while you text or do your homework.

Huggable

2011-02-09T17:51:00.002+08:00

You're my giant teddy bear. :)

The Human Race

2011-01-29T17:06:00.000+08:00

Look at us. Running around. Always rushed, always late. I guess that's why they call it the human race. What we crave most in this world is connection.

And sometimes, the human race slows down just enough for all the pieces to fall into place. Fate works its magic. And you're connected.

2011-01-20T21:12:00.000+08:00

A day well spent with my two besties: Carissa and Xin-Ee. :)

Plus, I got to see a freaking sweet Lamborghini.

O Time, Thou Art A Cruel Thing

2011-01-19T19:59:00.001+08:00

I've made up my mind that some people are born to be late. For instance, me. No matter what I have to do, as long as it has to do with going somewhere and reaching that place at a specific time, I fail - again and again. Try as I might, I am ALWAYS late. It seems to me that the universe has been conspiring against me each time I go the extra mile to be on time.

Before I tell you my story, let me give you a blow-by-blow of my college mornings. Usually, I wake up at 6:40 and wander around half-asleep doing what I have to do (wash up, dress up, pack up). Then I'll get in the car and you see, the thing is, Butter's clock is 10 minutes slow. So everytime I get in the car, the clock shows 6:50. Don't ask me why I can't see the discrepancy between the time I wake up and the time I get in the car. In the mornings, I am not actually awake. Anyway, when I see Butter's clock showing 6:50, I go, "Ah. Good time, good time. I'm not late." To my horror, I arrive at SS15 with barely 5 minutes left to my first lesson and a parking spot that I am less than happy with.

So about today. As the new SAM students have their orientation and I will be sending Wei Lyn to college, I decided to wake up at 6:30. I didn't want her to have a reputation of being late among her new classmates (yes, thank you, I am very kind, hahaha). But something came up so Ben was supposed to send us today. I was up and ready bright and early (in my book, that's prepped for college at 6:50 ALREADY). There was a delay and Ben only came at 7:30. Imagine that! Crazy jam made me arrive in college at 8:30. You may say that me being late was not my fault, but Ben's. But the way I see it, it's not Ben's fault either. It's just that rule that applies to me. That whole forever-and-always-will-be-late-no-matter-how-hard-I-try-not-to-be rule.

There are SO MANY examples that I could tell you:

1) Y'day, I had every good intention in the world to be at Kwang Hua at 1:15 to pick Carissa. But somehow, time, like a thief, crept around me and what do ya know, I only left home at 1:15. And I was so careful at making sure that I checked the time periodically. I have no idea how I was late.

2) Last Sunday, I promised to be in church at 10:00. Then I had to pick Xin-Ee, so OK, I woke up at 9:00 instead of my usual half an hour later. I thought I had some time to kill so I read the newspapers. Before I knew it, it was 9:45 and I had so little time to get ready.

3) The previous Saturday, I had to pick Jo from tuition class and go for dinner with Pastor Gid and a few others from church. I organized my time and made sure that I didn't watch more Parenthood episodes than I can handle. When Jo called, I quickly gathered my things and boom-shaka-laka, I was out the door and driving Butter all the way to Southern Park. But abnormally so, there were many cars and I ended up being pretty late for dinner.

4) Being barely on time for college exams more than once. I wish with all my heart that none of you will ever, ever have to experience arriving 10 minutes before an AS Level examination that is on the 3rd freaking floor which you MUST climb by stairs and not to mention having parked DEEP in the housing area FAR AWAY from college. Oh, and to be absolutely true to what happened, think of yourself as a hardly healthy girl who was last in a gym in Form 3 and for a record time of 10 minutes. If you do not want to put yourself in my shoes, then think of yourself as an onlooker. Imagine me running frantically and pulling out my stationery and student ID at the same time. Really, you DO NOT want that to happen to you. Not even once.

5) Countless times of meaning to be in school early as I only live 5 minutes away end with me making Jessica, Yoke Pei and Lynnette wait. Then I'll make a siuper dramatic but totally unnecessary entrance for whatever I was supposed to be in school for.

Why, oh, why? Are good intentions not enough to bend the universe in my favour? Hahaha. Oh well, not that this rule is gonna stop me from trying to be on time. I'm still gonna make the effort to not be the last one arriving for everything that I attend. But if - when - it happens, would you be so kind as to remember this post and forgive me for always being, as I say it, fashionably late? :)

XX

2011-01-18T18:11:00.000+08:00

I knew it could happen. I saw it happen. Before this, it didn't mean anything to me. 'Cause I knew it wouldn't happen to me. But it did. So quickly, too. Now I think I've changed. If not completely, at least mostly. And I'm not sure I like it. There's a joy that I can't describe, but there's an insecurity that reminds me of the past. There's an anticipation that gives me direction, but there's a warning sign fighting for my attention. Is it true that some things I have no control over? Does anyone really know me?

An Ugly Fact of Life

2011-01-17T16:10:00.000+08:00

I think relationships are so changeable. You don't have to do anything. Just stand back and watch. Tap your feet to keep count of the seconds that turn into minutes which become hours and stretch into days... and days. Run through the names of the people you love the most, and let yourself feel any distance between you and them. Do something about it.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-11T21:18:00.001+08:00

I know I am 11 days late, but Happy New Year! Haha. I have been so inconsistent, but that is only because I have been so busy. December was the craziest month ever. Sarawak - Hong Kong - Ipoh - Singapore. Luas permandangan, jauh pengalaman. Lol.

But now I'm back. And for once, being at home doesn't feel like I'm waiting in transit. I can actually sit at home and say to myself, "I'll be here for awhile." Haha.

Anyway, my 2010 has been a good year. Got off to a rough start but it's the ending that matters, yes? My ending was a great one. I ended on a high note. Once again, the only things that you remember at the end of a year is the people that made it awzum. It's the same for me. But I don't really wanna name any names. Haha.

Other than that, last year really taught me a lot, and most of it in the month of December. Haha. It is strange that you learn your lessons at the very last moment. I can only say that before this I thought I saw everything clearly, but after December, I've gained some perspective. Very little matters. Life can be stripped down to two things - people and GOD. But many things get in the way. And you forget to check to see if you're really seeing things clearly. Sooner or later, you just assume that everything is clear and just as they're supposed to be - that the way you view the world is correct, that what you think is important really is important.

Together with what I mentioned, I also learned the importance of discipline. Everything requires discipline. Sitting here and typing out my thoughts requires discipline. (And clearly, I have not exercised much discipline in regards to my blog. Nyehehe.)

In closing, I cannot tell you much about 2011 yet. All I know is that this year is scarier than last year for me. I was sort of freaking out last year... and the year before that, and before that. Haha. I wish that I would stop getting so worked up about a new year, because each year is just going to be scarier. You just gotta learn to take it easy each year. Little by little, as the year progresses, you figure out more about the year, and it becomes more familiar and less scary. But just before things get boring, thank goodness for surprises. Hehe. So here's to wishing you an inspired year - full of good, great things and also bad things (to remind you that the good things truly are good) and altogether, they're worth remembering.

The People I Need

2010-11-30T18:00:00.001+08:00

I've been really busy for a really long time. I don't even remember the last time I wasn't busy. There's always something running through my mind, something coming up, something to plan. My days before were packed and so are my days ahead. But no matter how busy I am, I'm never too busy for the people I love. 'Cause the people I love are the ones who remind me to breathe. They're the ones that slow down time for me. They're the voices and the faces that I need. And I'm so glad that I see some of them everyday. And I'm so glad that I'll be seeing some of them again.

Passing Time

2010-11-10T20:46:00.007+08:00

Reading other people's blogs is extremely entertaining. Scrolling through other people's lives help you to find out what they think is important and significant and how they talk about it helps you to make out the sort of person they are. It's really interesting to get a glimpse into their lives the way they see it. And then to come away, thinking to yourself, "I did not understand a single word of what I just read." You only understand that you do not understand that person. I say that that is time well spent. Haha.

Butter

2010-08-24T18:53:00.003+08:00

Let me introduce you to Butter. Butter makes me happy. Butter makes me smile. Butter is... my car. Hahaha. Yesh. I know. It is ridiculous of me to name my car, but to me, that's one of the ways in which I can personalize my car. Why, you ask? I guess we should backtrack a bit and I'll lead you into the history of Butter. Butter is a Perodua Myvi which previously belonged to my mum. Now that I've got my licence and I need a car to drive wherever, my mum's car has become mine.

Before Butter met me (technically, he's met me a million times in the past four years, but let's just keep it that way), he did not have a name. After our meeting, I decided to name him and make him mine. That is only one of two things I have done to personalize Butter. The first thing I did was buy him an air freshener - a cool Glade one that matches the interior of Butter.

So now we can come back to where I was. The next question you might ask (if you're not either laughing at my silliness or shaking your head at my bimbo-ness) is why Butter? Good question. Haha. I think Wei Te named him, but Wei Te says he didn't. Anyway, Wei Te said that the name Butter sounded fat. I've always thought that the Myvi was a really fat car. Have you seen its backside? Lol. So I felt that the name Butter was really apt. And I know my Myvi is silver and not gold.

Yup, that's all I wanted to do - introduce you to Butter. Nyehehe. My mind is more than half made up that Butter's a guy. But what do you think? Is it a him or a her?

2010-08-11T17:03:00.002+08:00

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment,

when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference

between reality and fantasy, when just for that one moment you feel

with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.

2010-07-01T19:21:00.005+08:00

"If you're interested in characters and stories,

people's lives, communication and connections,

how people interact - New York City is

the ultimate place to be."

- Regina Spektor

All the reasons why I wanna live in New York City summed up in one beautiful, succinct quote by an indie singer-songwriter. =)

18

2010-06-16T20:46:00.009+08:00

It's been about a month since I last updated my blog. Really sorry about that. I've been pretty busy. Hehe. So anyway, as demanded by you, Jessica Loo, I will now write my mandatory "I turned 18" post.

So last Tuesday, I celebrated my eighteenth b'day. I was actually in the middle of my semester one exams, to be more specific, Economics and Sociology papers. It was the first time in eleven years that my b'day was not a holiday. I guess college is sucky like that. Haha.

Anyway, how do I feel about turning 18? Oh man. I really don't know. It means I'm a legal adult and all that, right? So I can buy cigarettes, go clubbing and drink alcohol. Haha. But I don't do any of those so it really is not of much use. Lol.

But apart from that, I guess I should be all emo and self-reflective and tell you what I think. So here goes. I feel really old. Haha. It's like, how did I get from 8 to 18? As I get older, time passes faster. And that makes me sad, 'cause I hate growing up. I know that when I'm a lot older and out of university and all that, I'm gonna miss being young. And I hate the fact that I can't do anything about it. I could try to remember how I feel right now, but it doesn't work that way. Most of the time I end up forgetting how I felt, only remembering that I tried to remember.

When you get older, you lose a lot of things that comes with youth. That includes friends and well, innocence. Hahaha. That is a word that I hear so very often in English Literature class. Anyway, what I mean is, we all know that as schoolkids, we are generally innocent - or at least that's what I've thought to be true, although now I suppose that is rather naive thinking. Lol. But yeah, so we lose some parts of ourselves when we grow up. Like we're less childish and we're more mature and all that. So I think that's sad. How we may be so different from how we used to be as kids. When we were kids, things were so much simpler and we were so much better off. The world was kind and people were good. Life could throw anything our way, but it could never take the sparkle out of our eyes.

Then when we get a little older, we're called teenagers. Being a teenager includes all that puberty stuff and raging hormones coupled with mood swings and soul-searching. Slowly but surely that sparkle in our eyes start to dim and if you look in the mirror the next time, you'll find it's harder to see. You start to realize how the world actually works. It's not kind and people sure aren't all good. The world is ugly and people can do terrible things. But even so, you're at that age where you see bad things but you're not entirely stained by them. You're still a kid, and that sparkle isn't completely gone. A little part of you believes that the world is still kind and there's goodness in people. Then you have your own hopes and dreams; your ideas about what your life will be in ten years' time. As a teenager, you've got nothing to lose.

And I've been a kid and I've been a teenager; I still am a teenager. But I guess I'm kind of right at the edge. In a few years' time, I'll have to cross the border and say goodbye to youth - forever. That scares me, 'cause I know that once I become an adult, there's no going back. You can try to relive your youth, but that's all you can do - try. So I'm not all that psyched about turning 18. But I get that it's part of life. You grow older and you move on. You lose that sparkle and life is less simple. And right now, it feels like that's not OK, but I guess I don't have a say in whether or not it's OK. I learn to live according to life's time. It won't wait for me. But it will give me opportunities to regain that sparkle and see the simple life. As for now, I'm not an adult yet. So as far as I'm concerned, I've still got that sparkle and life is still simple as long as I don't go and complicate it. =)

Forever young, I wanna be forever young

Do you really wanna live forever, forever and ever?

Forever young, I wanna be forever young

I don't wanna live forever, forever and ever

2010-05-17T20:41:00.003+08:00

Talking about Glee during Law class as Miss Harjit keeps asking us to quiet down...

Me: You mean the one where Artie sings in a wheelchair?

Him: Artie is always in a wheelchair.

LOL LOL LOL. I know he's always in a wheelchair lah. I was just referring to that song. Get me? :D

2010-04-23T22:06:00.001+08:00

HAHAHAHAHA!
If you don't watch The Big Bang Theory, you're missing out - big time!
=D

2010-04-16T18:12:00.001+08:00

"Everything you can imagine is real."

- Pablo Picasso

2010-04-16T18:04:00.003+08:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like 'Maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

- Neil Gaiman

Possibility

2010-04-15T12:00:00.006+08:00

For as long as I can remember, I have always been the sort of person who aimed high. It didn't matter if my present circumstances permitted it (by this I mean financially and economically). It didn't matter if I was even capable of it at the time (and by this I mean whether or not my target can be achieved by my current abilities). I don't know why and I don't know how, but I always held a certain hope and a certain belief in myself and the fact that I could do anything as long as I wanted it badly enough and I was motivated by the right things and I was willing to put in effort.

Y'day I was just having a talk with a dear friend of mine. And it occurred to me that we were very much alike in our belief that anything is... possible. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is true. In this life, there are many choices that you have to make and it is more often than not, one decision after another. Sometimes you may trip up and make the wrong decision, but you don't have enough time to regret over it because another decision comes your way.

Every stage of your life presents its own set of choices. Regardless of whether you're in school or in college or in university or about to launch out into a career, it's all about questions that life throws at you and answers that you give. And because we're so aware of it, we feel so pressured into making the right decision. But really, what is the right decision? Is it something that is safe; that will give you financial security and economic stability? Or is it something you love which makes you feel alive deep inside and gives you meaning and purpose?

Most of the time, we are restricted by our circumstances and what people say. I often worry about things which I shouldn't worry about. I look at my circumstances and become stressed out over how I am supposed to help out to make things work. Then at the same time, I am bombarded by people saying stuff like, "You're really clever, so why are you doing arts?" And usually stuff like these would influence you to make decisions based on how things are and what people say. But that's not how it is for me and it's definitely not how it should be for you and anyone at all. 'Cause this life is yours. The decisions you make should be yours. And the consequences of that decision are entirely yours to bear. So if you make decisions that aren't exactly yours, are you willing to face the consequences? It is much better to take a risk and choose who you want to be, then handle whatever comes after.

This life can be everything you want it to be. It's your time and it's your day. When you get older, are you able to say that your life and your place is where you wanted it to be? Is it all you dreamed it would be when you were younger and felt like there was nothing to lose? 'Cause I do believe that one of the things that we are most afraid of are regrets. We don't want to look back on life and say that things didn't turn out the way we thought it would because we weren't brave enough to dream and be what we feel. Don't compromise what you wanna be. Let nothing stop you from chasing it.

I've learned that this life can be bigger and better if we believed so. Nothing is too far away or too crazily insane that you can't dream about it and build a path towards it. Sometimes I wonder why I want to set such a high standard when I don't even know if I can reach it. It's almost as if I am setting myself up for disappointment and pain. But I know that if I aim for anything lower than that, I would be selling myself short. What I have and the dreams in my heart are GOD's gift to me. What I do with it is my gift to Him. And so I don't wanna settle for just about anything. I don't wanna settle for a life ordinary. I'd much rather try to be the best that I can be, and if I don't reach it this time, then I'll reach it the next time. Just as life is one decision after another, it's also one chance after another. Life is a possibility of anything at all.

Choice is yours. The rest of your life is a long time and whether you know it or not, it's being shaped right now. You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, or bad luck, or bad choices, or you can fight back. Things aren't always gonna be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give. What's worse, not getting everything you wished for or getting what you think is all and finding out it's not enough? The rest of your life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase, the choices you make and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time and the rest of your life starts right now.

2010-04-10T19:18:00.006+08:00

Me: I guess it's one thing to be good in academics and another to be able to go for an interview and speak well.

Him: Yeah. But you have both, see? So you're actually really smart. But you're lacking in common sense and logic. So GOD is fair.

HAHAHAHA. Oh, you make me laugh so hard. =D

Aku Lulus!

2010-04-05T19:40:00.003+08:00

I PASSED!

So watch out, roads of Malaysia! Amanda Hoi is now a legal driver and totally obsessed with having control over a car. Haha. I'm on the way to getting my license ('cause I haven't actually gotten it in physical form yet) and I've already bought my P stickers, which made me very happy, by the way. Lol.

Anyway, about the day. I was picked up at 7 in the morning. Then me and Wei Te just sat around and waited. It was so darn hot. But thank goodness it was the morning sun. Haha. I'd be fully and truly fried if it was the afternoon sun.

Me being number 19, it didn't take long for it to be my turn. First I went up the slope and when I braked, I thought, "Oh no. That does not look correct." So the JPJ guy let me go downhill again and come up. I reversed downhill and then went up again. All the time I was thinking, "Oh damn. What on earth am I doing? I hope the instructor isn't seeing this happening." The worst thing was when I went up and braked, it looked exactly the same as the first time. Hahaha. But I had to raise my hand lah, so I did. And for my parking, I seriously thought that I touched a tiang. But apparently I didn't and I also passed that. I never had any problems with 3-point turn lah so no worries there. Haha.

Next was road test. I don't know why I was called out although there were like twenty-plus people who were supposed to go before me. I was mentally unprepared to drive, but I had to lah. I think my driving during the road test was by far the most dangerous and reckless kind of driving I've ever done. The JPJ guy kept braking for me and saying, "Gear, gear!" Hahaha. I ngam ngam passed nie. But oh the relief! Lol.

Everything was over and done with fast enough. I'm glad I don't have to go back to that place again or do any of the three things again. Goodbye forever! Hehe. So people, if you dare to let me drive you, just let me know. But of course I'll only agree after I know that my driving is safe enough. =D

2010-04-04T14:34:00.004+08:00

Tomorrow is (one of) the day(s) I've been waiting for.

It is the day that ends 17 years of being just a passenger.

It is the day I get upgraded from an L to a P.

It is the day I become a legal driver... or not. Haha.

I'll let you know how it goes. =)

2010-03-30T18:51:00.001+08:00

"Your heart is my piñata."

- Chuck Palahniuk

11.3.2010

2010-03-11T20:20:00.013+08:00

As most of you know, today was SPM results day. Haha. So I had to go back to school. A week before that, there was a newspaper article announcing that SPM results would be out on March 11. Since that day, all I could think about was SPM results. Man, I was so nervous and so worried. I prayed about it everyday. Haha. When I woke up and got ready and stuff, Mum and Dad were like, "Don't worry, OK? We know you gave it your best. So whatever you get, it's alright." The night before, my elder bro came into my room and gave me a quick kiss and a hug. And well, Jo was skipping school to follow me to collect my results. Hehe. I really am so thankful for having such a loving family. =)

So anyway, I went to school at about 10am. Met up with the other three at the bus stop before we masuk school together. As usual, I was the last to arrive although I live a mere five minutes away. Haha. When we entered school, there were SO many people already! They were swarming the place: ex-Form 5s, teachers, parents, juniors walking all over the Dataran Bestari. I don't believe that I've ever seen the Dataran Bestari this packed, honestly.

Before going to the 5D table, I had to return my SPBT books first. I could only find my History textbook so I only gave that back. Then I had to pay RM8 for Konserto Terakhir. Aih. I didn't even know that I kept that book lah. Haha. And then a classmate of mine appeared and said something that really made Jessica upset. I would think that people generally would know what to say and what not to say based on the situation that they're in, but man, was I wrong. Lol.

After that, we made our way to the 5D table lah. It was the one nearest to the office. When the four of us got there, there was no one collecting their results and there was no one else hovering around the table. It was only Puan Rosnani. When she saw us, she looked at us and smiled in a really suspicious way. Haha. Then when we got to the table, all of a sudden there were so many people. Like, a second ago, there was just Puan Rosnani, and then a second later, it was crowded - really crowded. Maybe 'cause me and Jessica were making such a scene. Lol. Everytime Puan Rosnani started to speak, we screamed like mad. Haha. You see, we really didn't wanna hear anything that she had to say, in the highly likely case that she might give away our results by saying something like, "Bagus lah" or "Tahniah" or "Boleh tahan lah" or something along those lines, you get me. Haha.

When all four of us collected our results slip already, we moved to the side and said a quick prayer before looking at our results. I tell you, I was so excited. That feeling you get when you're holding your results slip in your hand, and you don't know if you wanna know, but you know that in that moment, you're gonna find out whether or not you want to... Haha. So as I let my hand slip down, a row of As appeared and I screamed for joy. It didn't matter that I had a swollen gum and I had been coughing since Christmas, I screamed like nobody's business. Lol. And then I gave Mum a huge hug and just kept on saying, "I got all As, Mum. Mum, I got all As. I got all As, Mum." Haha. Then I started crying. Lol. Oh man, I can't begin to tell you how extremely overjoyed I was to see my results. I didn't even care that there was A+, A and A- (in case you're wondering, it's 5 A+, 5 As and 2 A-). They were all As! And after the government changed the grading system, I kind of decided that going for straight A+ was a bit of a dream. I would only aim for straight As, and even then, I wasn't sure I could get that. Haha.

When I was done screaming and crying, I started making calls according to speed dial. Haha. Called Dad, Ko and Che. Then I called Melody and Mervyn, and then Soon Chia, Michael, Jonathan and Dillion called me. After all the necessary phone calls, I text-ed the necessary people, like Ning. And then it was time to meet the teachers. Hehe. But first, me and Jessica had to find for Miss Sim to take some scholarship form. Later, I went around to find for my favourite teachers. When I saw Puan Tan, she came to me with open arms and said, "I love you." Hahaha. I guess I really, really surprised her by getting an A+ for Add Maths, considering the fact that I consistently get 50-something for that subject and I've only ever gotten an A once in two years. Haha. And I think even Puan Rosnani is surprised that I got A+ for BM, 'cause I'm always on the borderline of A. Then I met Puan Ting, Puan Sheila, Puan Nadiah, Puan Hashirene and Puan Rosnani. After that, I called Puan Sunita, Pastor Jerry, Miss Tan and Mr Teh. The conversation with Puan Sunita went something like this:

Me: Hi, teacher. Amanda here. D'you know who I am?

Puan Sunita: Oh yes, Amanda Hoi. The naughty one.

Me: (Incredulous) What naughty one, 'cher? I'm not naughty!

Puan Sunita: Yes, you are lah. Always talk a lot in class. So how many As you got?

Me: 12 As, 'cher!

Puan Sunita: Great, great! Chemistry how?

Me: A+ lah, 'cher. I got A+ for Chemistry. Oh yeah, d'you know that my brother, Josiah Hoi goes for tuition?

Puan Sunita: Ah, yes, yes, I know him. He's your brother ah? Why so different wan?

Me: How different? We look the same.

Puan Sunita: No, no. He's a very good boy. Nothing like you.

Hahahaha. Almost every teacher that teaches me says that I'm naughty. And I guess that makes sense lah. I mean, I talk a lot (can't help it) and I don't always do homework (I am very lazy) and I like to skip classes very often (like when the weather's too hot or I don't wanna do a test, haha). But I'm glad that in a way, I kind of proved myself to them. Just as Puan Parimala once told me, "Do your best and get good results, then leave this school with dignity." Well, she told me that after I got told off by the discipline teacher in front of the whole school. Lol. So I guess that dignity part kind of fit in when she said it. But not right now, 'cause it's not like I lost my dignity or anything. D'you know what I mean? Haha.

I spent about two and half hours in school. It was really nice to be back in school again. I felt like I didn't wanna leave. I could just stay there and see all my favourite juniors and meet all my favourite teachers. It made me so happy to be there, for real. Haha. But alas, I was no longer an MGS student and I had to leave (partly because Jessica wanted to go already, lol).

Another thing that really made my day was the fact that all my dear friends were also blessed with really awesome results. Congratulations to Jessica, Yoke Pei, Nette, Melia, Angel, Hannah, Iri, Jerry and Soon Chia. I am so darn proud of you guys. Haha. =D

So I'm glad to say that 11 March 2010 was one of the happiest days of my life. And I am so thankful to You for being so faithful and so generous and so amazing! I still find it surreal and hard to believe that I got 12 As. And I think I know why. It's 'cause when I look at myself getting 12 As, it's just impossible. It's absolutely impossible. Haha. But then I remember, nothing is impossible for GOD. Like You said, "Is anything too hard for Me?" And I know, without a doubt, that this right here, it's all You. So I reflect everything back to You. I wanted so much to do so well, but in the end, it was entirely up to You whether or not You wanted to give me all As. And I am SO, SO, SO thankful that it pleased You to do just that. Aw man, I love You, You know that? =]

I just have to say that success is so sweet! And I definitely couldn't have made it here if not for my awesome GOD (You are the best, always and forever =]), a loving family (I love you all to bits for all the support and no pressure) and amazing best friends (that's you six rockin' people: Jessica, YP, Nette, Bev, Mikey and Mervy =D). This feeling is absolutely priceless and completely worth it. I am still ridiculously happy. Haha. So people, work hard and pray hard! 'Cause that's what you get when you put in effort and trust in our wonderful GOD. Hehe. And this is not nerd talk, OK. Lol. Now, just to commemorate this awesome and blessed day, I have uploaded a video of me and Jessica collecting our results slip (not opening it) for you to watch. =) Forgive me for being so dramatic, but I'm like that when I get nervous. Haha.

Update, Update!

2010-02-25T17:57:00.007+08:00

Harlo! =D

I know I haven't been blogging in forever. I hate how inconsistent I am now. Haha. What happened to the blogging streak I had two months back? I don't know. Lol.

Anyway, tomorrow's a holiday! It's funny how now every single holiday I get is oh so precious to me. Maybe 'cause they're few and close between. Haha. So I have to go on without holidays for a long time before I get a whole lot of holidays here and there.

So, what has been going on with me, you ask? (I'm just assuming you wanna know. Haha.) I celebrated CNY, yeah, duh. Haha. This year's CNY was pretty fun. Of course a huge difference was Michael not being around, 'cause I remember spending last year's with him, but just gotta deal with it. Hehe. Apart from that, my ang pau collection is as usual, not reaching sky high amounts. Lol. I went back to Mum's hometown in Terengganu for a night. Then I came back and attended open houses and dinners throughout the entire week. I've been having SO MUCH Chinese food! Haha.

Oh, and I have an announcement to make. Ahem ahem. For those of you who have been nagging and pestering me to start driving lessons (I know it's 'cause y'all want me to drive y'all around, haha, but that's OK, I don't mind =D), I have started driving lessons! *Insert loud applause and ear-deafening cheers* (This is where y'all actually applaud and cheer in front of your monitors as you read this, please and thank you =]). I daresay I am pretty good behind the steering wheel. Haha. I guess all that time spent driving stolen cars on Grand Theft Auto have paid off. Lol. My enemy is first gear, but y'know what they say, keep your enemies closer. I know this doesn't really apply here, but whatev lah. Haha. Slowly and surely I am conquering first gear. Hehe. I've only had two driving lessons but I've driven to Northport, Westport and Setia Alam on the Kesas and Federal highways. No kidding. Hehe.

What else, what else? Let's see. College is fine. I really like my lecturers, especially my law lecturer. She's really nice and makes me like law. Hehe. I also love literature. And I'm starting to like sociology and economics. At first, I was struggling a bit (still am, though less so now), but if there's one thing that I've learned in the past two months, it's that you gotta give it time. For whatever it is, you've got to give it some time. And things will get better. Don't stop believin'! Hahaha.

Oh yes, I'm dying. Hahaha. Not literally lah. But I've actually been bordering on sick since Christmas last year ( I know, so long ago!). It's becoming worse lately. My cough and flu is terrible. I remember someone predicting I'm gonna be like this for the next three months if I don't do something =O I really wish I wasn't always so unhealthy. I'm always sick. It's like people are usually healthy, but I'm usually not. Sigh. Then again, it's really my fault. I've been drinking nothing and eating all the wrong things. I have a couldn't-care-less attitude when it comes to taking care of myself.

I think that's about it. I'll try my best to write AFAP (as frequently as possible XD). If and when something hits me and I just have to share it with the blogosphere, I promise I will. Hehe. Until then, buhbye!

2010-02-20T10:23:00.001+08:00

And then six became three...

2010-02-06T20:30:00.003+08:00

Hello, freedom.
Hello, acceptance.
:)

2010-02-06T20:21:00.003+08:00

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me, darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time

- "The Saltwater Room" by Owl City

Alive Not Alone

2010-02-05T21:49:00.004+08:00

I was reminded today of how easy it is to get caught up in my own troubles. At the end of today, I was feeling rather drained out. I knew I wasn't particularly tired, because technically, I only had about 75 minutes of classes today. But for some reason, I felt weary and moodless. And after making myself finish up at least one assignment, I kind of dragged myself out of that feeling. In all the breaks that I took in between completing my assignment, I did some soul-searching. A little stop and stare, if you like.

Soul-searching is a good thing. It's tiring and it takes effort. It's difficult and it makes you think - hard. But in the end, it's refreshing and it's invigorating. It helps you see things clearer and it's worth the work. Lately, I haven't been blogging much because I've been busy. That and I can't seem to think of what it is I want to say. But now there's something on my mind. After letting myself into my head and into my heart, I think I've got something to write about.

Whenever life throws something at us, we tend to go on the defense right away. In my case, I hide behind my shield and refuse to see or fight whatever it is on the other side of the shield. I choose to look at things in a worldly, negative way. It brings me down. My strength gets sapped away and I start to feel alone, as if I'm the only one in the whole world who feels this way. I wanna just curl up in bed and fall asleep, hoping and wishing that when I wake up, everything will just go away. But it's never that easy, innit? So I stay awake. I keep my eyes open and instead of looking at things around me, I start to realize what's actually wrong. It's me that's seeing things the wrong way.

Of course, I don't get to this point of thinking just like that. In an attempt to find someone to listen to me, I find myself listening to others. Isn't it strangely funny when you hear someone's problems, and your problems just fade instantly? It sets the crooked picture straight. Suddenly you see all your troubles the way they actually are: small. Buthen again, not all troubles are small. When they're your own, every trouble is big. But we can't use that excuse to say that what we're facing is something huge, 'cause we ourselves know whether or not it really is as big a deal as we make it out to be.

I find that I feel a whole lot better when I look inside me and then look outside. I set things in perspective in myself first, then I see life for what it really is. Then only can I look outside and evaluate what really matters. 'Cause people are hurting. They're in pain. They're troubled and confused and despaired. They smile and they put on a brave front, but that is their shield. It comes in many forms and it has varying looks, but it serves the same function. It defends them, but from what?

We all experience similar things. We all understand each other in ways we don't know. We all feel scared and alone at one point or another. We all want peace and happiness for always. We all want what we all want. 'Cause inside we all feel the same. And I don't know if we know that. The only way to get over that is to realize that we're all capable of helping each other, 'cause we all know how life makes us feel. In spite of all our strife and struggle to make it through on our own, we know that we can't do it alone. We weren't wired that way.

It's true to a certain extent that we enter the world alone and we leave it alone. But everything that happens in between, we owe it to ourselves to find a little company. We need help. We need support. Otherwise we’re in it by our self. Strangers, cut off from each other and we forget just how connected we all are. So instead we choose love. We choose life and for a moment we feel just a little bit less alone.

I'm (Always) Your Friend

2010-01-31T17:48:00.017+08:00

All I did was mention a person's name. But it's funny how just the mere mention of that name made you almost, quite literally fall apart in front of me. Hearing you talk about what happened and how it made you feel and the times when you wanted to call me and do what you always do (cry on the phone and tell me what's wrong), I felt guilty. I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry I moved on and left everything else behind, including you.

Each of us have our own experiences in life. And all of that teaches us different things. Which explains why we have different mindsets and perspectives on the same things. As I listened to you talk about what you've learned, I wonder if I would wanna feel all you've felt and go through all you've gone through. And as you listened to me speak, I could sense a longing: you wanted to feel like I feel and go through what I've gone through.

But do you know what I've been through? Are you sure you want to feel like that? I find it strange and sad that we want what others have. Why do we look at other people and feel that they've got it so much better? Is it really better than what we have? We have what we have because we've been given it. No one's gonna be given what you've got. It's for you, and for you only. It's just as good as what I have. You just have to look, not see. What you have in your life is the best that you'll ever have right now. It's enough. Don't lose it and go chasing after what you think you want. Those things are waiting for you, but they're not meant for you now.

Here, I'll tell you a secret, so don't tell anyone, alright? The truth is, I'm not always OK. And I don't always have it all together. In fact, most of the time I'm not completely OK. And I'm often always just about to lose it. I am as complicated as you are. I am as scared as you are. I just don't tell anyone. Maybe I'm hardly around. Maybe I'm never around. We may not be as close as we used to be. We may not have ever been close at all. But when you need me, I will always, always have time for you. I can put all my complication and fear aside, and help you. 'Cause I'm your friend. And that's what I do.

So if you want what I have... you don't know what you're asking for. But if you want me to help you with what I have, then I'll do that. I'll say this again. I'm your friend... and this is what I do. :)

2010-01-29T19:01:00.003+08:00

Today my dear little brother turns 16!

Once short, fair and fat, he is now tall, dark and handsome. Hahaha.

God bless always and I love you. :)

Happy Sweet Sixteen!

I Am A Kor-leij Student

2010-01-24T12:06:00.000+08:00

Hello, dear readers! Forgive me for falling off the face of the blogging world for... what, two weeks? Haha. So anyway, I am now a kor-leij student. (Yes, I like spelling college like that. Haha.) At last, I've found the time to blog. I've been extremely busy with college. Got lots of work and assignments to do, and then there are the other non-academic activities. Oh, not to mention the fact that I have a lot on my mind and that sometimes (OK, most of the time) drives me crazy. Besides that, my schedule's pretty packed. Start at 8 and usually end at 4. By the time I get home, I'm all drained out. I hit the bed at 10 every night. Haha.

So anyway, I take the train to college everyday now. It's quite fun. Usually I'm half-asleep in the morning, so I have my 7 o'clock face. But when I take the train home, I'm pretty energetic. Lol. And I walk! Haha. *Nods nods* Amanda Hoi now walks on a regular - daily - basis, people. I'm really proud of myself. It's super tiring, but it's my only constant form of exercise for the first time in 17+ years. Haha. Buthen, I don't think I'm losing any weight 'cause I eat as much as I walk. You gotta blame that on the huge number of makan places surrounding Taylor's. I'm spoilt for choice everyday wei. It's like being a kid who visits Willy Wonka everyday. Lol.

Apart from that, I'm doing OK, I guess. College is tiring and fun but it's also frustrating and difficult. But that's what comes with change, right? Hehe. I'm trying my best to do what I can where I've been placed. School feels so far away now. I feel so disconnected from school life. And I miss some of my friends whom I haven't seen in forever. For example, Amelia Lee! Where are you, man? Haha. Because of how college separates me from dear friends who are either in other colleges or still in school at the moment, I'm so thankful that I still get to meet Jessica, Yoke Pei and Nette everyday.

In the same way that college makes it hard for me to meet certain friends, it makes it easier for me to meet other friends. Haha. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with a few other people, both old and new friends. Then there are friends who will be leaving the country soon. Like Mikey and Michy. T_T So sad lah. They're going Aussie. Down Under is stealing all my friends. Lol.

So yup, that's about all. I hope you're all keeping well and enjoying your school life, college life, working life or whatever-it-is-you're-doing-now life. Haha. God loves you! Until next time, tata.

P.S.: D'you know that song by Iyaz featuring Sean Kingston that goes like, "Shawty's like a melody in my head that I can't keep out, got me singin' like, na na na na everyday..."? I always thought that the next line says, "It's like my eyeball's stuck on replay." Y'day I found out that it was iPod and not eyeball. Hahaha.

Rewind and Play

2010-01-09T15:00:00.010+08:00

I've been terribly free this week. And it feels terribly weird! For as long as I can remember, I've always been up and about, doing something, anything and occupying my time. I guess now that I'm out of school, there's nothing for me to do. I don't like it at all. I'm really not one who can stay still and do random stuff. At least from next week I'll have something to do, someplace to go, somewhere to be. Haha.

All the blogs that I read talk about school. Everyone seems so stressed and worried. Form 4s are deciding on what subjects to pick and getting used to the different subjects. Form 5s are regretting not studying enough in Form 4 and stressing over SPM. It kind of reminds me a little of me. So I'm rewinding and playing through my memories.

I know how hard it is making decisions and preparing for exams. I've been there. When it comes to making decisions, I didn't really make them. Those of you who know me would know how terribly fickle-minded I am. I can never decide. It doesn't matter what I'm deciding on. It could be something important or something as trivial as the colour of an umbrella. I hate it when I have choices to make. So when I think of being in Form 4 and having to choose the subjects, I don't think I actually did choose the subjects. I didn't drop any from the 10 core subjects and I took two extra subjects. I just wanted to try it out in Form 4. But when it came to Form 5 and I had to register for SPM, I had to pick which subjects I wanted. It was no surprise that I couldn't choose which subjects I wanted. So I kept on deciding. Even after I registered for SPM, I was still deciding. I couldn't come to a decision. Then trials came, and my time to decide was over. I didn't decide, which was why I ended up taking 12 subjects. Haha. It's terrible being like this. I hope that none of you are like me.

And about preparing for exams. Well, one thing I believe in is always giving it your best for every single exam and every single subject. Monthly or mid-year or final-year or major exams. They're all exams. And you should always work hard for every one of 'em. My friends always laughed at me when I studied for subjects like Civic and PJK. I know they're useless subjects, but they're subjects nonetheless. I have something to tell you. Although I studied for every exam that came my way, I was never one to get straight As. It was the same for PMR. I never got straight As for three years, only for PMR. Haha. Even in Form 4 and Form 5, I always fell short of a few As. Haha. But eventhough there were a number of subjects I was weak at, I still didn't drop them (see, I was still deciding although all signs said that I should drop them, haha). I always felt that if I worked hard enough, I could do it. So I stuck to it and did my best. I don't know what results I'll get, but I'll find out in March. Hehe.

While you're in school, you may feel that exams are everything. But I'm here to tell you they're not. They are one of the most important things to students. But not THE most important thing. I used to think that exams were everything. But in Form 4, I started to live a little more. The first three years of school, I was the kind of student who just went to school and did nothing significant. I go to school, fight with teachers (with Encik Yarha lah, but it was no biggie, haha), laugh with friends, do SOME of my homework (lol, XD), go back home. In Form 4, that changed. I don't know why it did and I don't know how it did, but it did. I got involved in activities, clubs, competitions. I started to realize there was more to school than just school. And for those of you who are still in school, I don't know if you've realized that, but I want you to realize that. There is more to school than just school.

School is not about sucky teachers or dumb subjects or illogical rules. It has all those, for sure. But that's not what it's about. And school is not just some building you have to go to for a certain number of years so that you can get out of it and get on with life. I've found out that school is an experience. What you learn there is something you'll never learn anywhere else. Not in college and not in university. You'll learn other things there. It's important to always have your studies in front of you. But don't turn into such a nerd that you miss everything else that you could experience. And I'm talking about the silly and naughty stuff too. Some of you might not believe it, but I wasn't a goody-two-shoes student. I had a problem with authority. Lol. I fought with teachers, I had a profound dislike of prefects, I didn't do my homework, I used liquid paper (and got mine confiscated three times) and I always, always cut class. Haha. Yeah, these may be little things. But my point is, I broke the rules. Haha. But that's what made school fun for me too. I remember clearly fighting with Encik Yarha twice in Form 1 and being asked to stand up during assembly in Form 2. At first, I thought they were bad things. But in retrospect, everything is funnier and cooler. You can laugh at anything if you're standing far enough away. And I'm far enough away. =)

Then there's all the good stuff too. I don't know what you're good at. But I know, without a doubt, that there is something you're good at. You have a talent in something, somewhere. Maybe you know what it is or maybe you don't know yet. But in school is where you'll find out, if you take the initiative to find out. I'm sure you know what you like. I knew what I liked. Which is why I got myself into the kind of activities that had to do with what I liked. Most people would know that I'm not a sporty person. If you make me run 100 meters, you'd better be prepared to take responsibility if I faint halfway. I could get body aches and muscle cramps just by the slightest physical activity. Haha. I am, figuratively speaking, 80 years old. No kidding. Lol. So don't waste your time thinking of school as a waste of time. Do what you like, do what you love.

Another thing I want to say is that SPM is not hard but it's not easy. It's just... SPM. You never know how it's gonna be. It might be hard one year and easy the next. And then again, it might be hard for you but easy for someone else. You can't put a finger on the difficulty of this major exam. It is what it is. So right now, when you know it's in front of you, you'll think it's hard and you can't get pass it. But you can and you will. And I know. 'Cause it's behind me now. I got pass it. I thought I couldn't and I thought I wouldn't, but I did. I worried and I stressed just like you now, and I never stopped worrying and stressing right up till SPM. But throughout the year, I realized that that emotional rollercoaster I put myself on was my own doing. I could choose to get off anytime. And I did get off it, but I got back on and I got off again and got back on again. It was just a routine I repeated throughout the year. It was tiring and terrifying. But I don't regret it. The only way to stop all your dreading is to be here right now, just as you are. It's only January! What you're dreading is a year away or two years away if you're in Form 4. So spend today doing something about it, not dreading it.

I never understood why people wanted to get out of school quickly. I didn't get why they hated school so much and couldn't wait to get into college or start to work or whatever their next step was. I thought about it a bit. And I think I know why. I guess they didn't realize that there's more to school than just school. Just as I don't understand people who don't like school, people don't understand why I love school. I guess they don't know that I realized that there's more to school than just school. =]

As I finish writing this out, it reminds me that I'm gonna face the same things as I start college next week. What's same is that it's gonna be different, but what's gonna change is the kind of difference it brings. D'you get me? So this post is for me as much as it is for you, whoever you are. =)

Just Enough Light

2010-01-03T22:33:00.008+08:00

This morning was the first church service of the year 2010. I had only gone to sleep at about half past one the night before. So as I sat in between Jo and Jerry, I was practically dozing off. As I tried to keep my mind awake and alert, one of the uncles stood up and shared. He said that as this new year begins, we don't know whether it's going to be a better year or a worse one. We don't know if our health will improve or if we will suddenly be hit by a sickness. We don't know if we'll get to pursue the course of our choice. We don't know if our studies will bring about good results. We don't know what we don't know, and what we don't know is everything, so basically we don't know anything.

It's only been three days that we've crossed over to a new year. Tomorrow, school reopens. But not for me. I won't be going back to school this year, or any of the years after this. And it feels unusual. I'm not used to it yet. I'm out of school. And I'm getting into college soon enough. It's an all-new environment with new people and new challenges.

As I think about what I heard this morning, I am reminded once again of the fact that I am leaving all the comfort and certainty I have experienced and enjoyed for the past 11 years of my life. I'm stepping out into the unknown, into the darkness. And do you wanna know how I feel? Can I tell you a secret? I'm scared. I am dead scared. But there's just something about fear and the unknown. I'm drawn to it. I love to experiment and experience. I wanna let the fear overwhelm me and then learn to overcome it. I wanna throw myself headfirst into the unknown and make it known.

But what I'm most excited about is what treasures I will find in the darkness. Sometimes I lose my way. As I worry myself about seeing and understanding all that the future holds, I forget that there is one thing that I know about my future. It is that You are in it. Everything else I don't know. Everything else I don't understand. But one thing I know: You are in that darkness and You are in that unknown. With You there, I have nothing to fear or worry about or fret over.

When I'm grappling in the darkness, I search for a light. There are different kinds of light that I encounter. Light that comes from friends, light that comes from family, light that comes from achievements and success, light that comes from material things. But these lights are unreliable. They go out. Only one light is totally reliable and can never be put out: the light that comes from God. The light that is God. Being a child of God, I have a light in me. It is one that shines for all eternity and is never extinguished. The darker the place I am in, the brighter that light in me shines.

It doesn't matter what age you are or what you're going through or have been through. A new year is always frightening. It is filled with surprises and the unexpected. You don't know what you're going to face. You hope for the best and oftentimes, you're unprepared for the worst. I am learning to trust in God. I have many questions. But I don't have any answers. And I think I can live without them. I don't need light to see the rest of 2010. I only need light to see what is right before me.

"For You will light my lamp; the Lord my GOD will enlighten my darkness." Psalm 18:28

Dear 2010

2010-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

Dear 2010,

I don't know you that well yet. You're still a stranger to me. But I know I'll get to know you better.

You're a big year, aren't you? The year of change and transitions. I don't know what you'll do to me. I don't know what kind of person I'll be at the end of you. I have no clue what's going to happen. But you know, don't you? You've got everything ready for me. It's only a matter of time. You've got feelings for me to explore and parts of me to discover. More pain, more hurt, more joy, more love equals more life.

You've got people for me to meet, things for me to do, places for me to go. I'm sure you're really excited to show me everything you've got in store for me. But if I may say, please don't go too fast. I'm not sure I can keep up. Throw new things at me, I'm ready. But start off slow, then you can speed up. And I'll catch on. Just don't pass me by in a blur. Whatever it is you have for me, I know it's gonna be filled with choices and decisions. I hope I make the right ones. I hope I meet the right people, do the right things, go to the right places. But if - when - I slip up, don't give up on me, OK? Let me learn and teach me. I'm ready to make mistakes.

I don't know who I'm going to lose, 'cause I will, won't I? I hope I don't lose myself, either. I don't want to turn - for the worse - into a completely different person. I always hear people saying that where I'm going is totally different from the life I'm accustomed to. They say I'm heading out into the real world. And I hear that it's scary and it's big. I'm small and have no idea what to expect. But I'm not scared. Maybe 'cause I don't know what's out there. Ignorance is bliss, no? =D

I promise you one thing: I'll fight on no matter what you throw at me. You can hit me and make me fall, but I promise you I will get back up. I've got hope in my heart. It burns with a flame you can't put out. Sometimes the flame is weak, but it's there, it's always there. Well, I'm ready to meet you. Just one more thing, be nice to me. I hope we'll be the best of friends. =)

Love,
Me

Dear 2009

2009-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

Dear 2009,

You've been amazing. I don't think I can thank you enough for being such a wonderful year.

I'll always remember you for the people you've brought into my life. New ones and old ones. Even until the last few days of the year, you let me meet people: those that I knew and those that I have never seen in my entire life. You've really piled on surprises on me, haven't you? I guess you must feel pretty good about yourself. Haha.

And all the things you let me experience! I didn't know you had so much prepared for me. Just waiting for me to reach them. You threw so many things at me. Right from the start, you got me into all kinds of things. I thought I couldn't do it, but as is always the case with me, I went ahead with it anyway. I took on challenges I wasn't sure I was even cut out for. But you knew I was ready. You knew I needed the challenges and you knew that I would come out from it even better than before. My tears turned to joy. My stress turned to a smile. =)

You gave me so many good things. One after another, you never stopped giving. They made me appreciate you even more. Some of them started out bad, but in retrospect, they were good things. You made me grow. You stretched me and pulled me and pushed me. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't go any further, that I reached my limit. But you wouldn't listen. You said that I could go further and I still had a long way to go before I reached my limit. And you were right.

One thing I still don't understand is why you had to come and go in a hurry. Were you in a rush? Didn't you wanna hang around? Now your time is up. But you've used your time well. Again, I thank you. I'll miss you.

Love,
Me

New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T10:33:00.004+08:00

I woke up this morning to the last day of 2009. And I didn't think about that. Maybe 'cause my mind was so occupied with the three dreams I had last night. Or maybe 'cause my body ache was still around and it was, obviously, aching. Or maybe it was both.

So only now I'm thinking about it. The years before this, I was always filled with a tinge of sadness when it came to the last day of the year. I was always terribly reluctant to let go of the year, thinking that I could actually hold on to it. Ever tried getting a grasp on time? It's impossible. If you tried, you'd end up feeling hopeless. Instead, you should let it take you over. Let time play its game.

How will you spend your last day of 2009? So far, my schedule looks pretty interesting. I have to clean up my room and pack school books. Yup. I am excited. Haha. But apart from that, usually I spend every New Year's Eve in church, for watchnight service. I'm not really one for countdown parties and the sort. I don't understand why anyone would want to be in a crowded place and scream 10 to 0 and then party the night away. After that, you leave for home with a bad headache and feeling a little bit disoriented. I mean, that moment when 2009 turns to 2010, it's s'posed to hold meaning. I'd rather sit quietly and deliberate on all 2009 was to me and look ahead to 2010. I don't wanna miss the moment the clock ticks 12 midnight by dancing and jumping with a bunch of strangers.

I'm thankful that I went to camp after Christmas. I didn't want to end the year without gaining a new perspective on my life in God's sight. So when I was in camp, God shifted my view to be aligned to His view. I guess I didn't realize that my path was a little crooked. But now I do. I don't know exactly what I have to do. I don't know exactly how I have to do it. But right now I'm just thankful that I know I have to do something.

I guess when a year ends and another begins, it's not really a closing of a chapter of your life and starting a new one. Sometimes it feels that way. But it's actually a continuation. Life isn't filled with stops and gos. It goes on. A part of your life overlaps with another which overlaps with another.

This day feels just like any other normal day. I guess it doesn't know that it's the last day of the year. It doesn't know that it's New Year's Eve. But I know, and you know. So let's make it special. Whatever it is you plan to do as 2009 turns to 2010, make it a little more than just another day.

Hello from Singapore

2009-12-21T20:07:00.004+08:00

Hello from Singapore! Haha. I am now blogging from Ko Jeremy's laptop. This is the first time I'm blogging from outside Malaysia. Cool cool. Lol.

So the trip was pretty fast. Although it took like, five hours, it didn't feel that long. Oh, and there was this woman who was in the bus. She was so, so talkative. And she spoke extremely loudly too. I felt like throwing my phone at her. Seriously. Haha. The weirdest thing is that, she came on the bus alone lah, but she started talking to this man, who was with his wife, and the entire time, the man totally ignored his wife 'cause the other woman was going on and on about anything and everything. They were all in their fifties, I think.

I've only been here for several hours. But I've already got around to some shopping. Haha. It is the main thing that I'm gonna do here anyway. So I bought a pair of yellow Nikes. *Grins* Ah. Yellow makes me happy. Now that I've got a brand new pair of shoes, I should start exercising. Haha. Although I always say that I'll never exercise, a small part of me is secretly afraid that I will develop diseases and health problems before I actually become old. Lol. I'm planning to make Wei Shern or Michael take me exercising. 'Cause they're the only ones who actually go to the gym and run and do, ya know, healthy stuff. Ooh, and my dearest brother, Jo. Hehe.

Jo and my sister, Michelle are playing Guitar Hero now. Oh my, Jo sucks. Hahaha. OK lah. I'll tell you more about my Singapore trip tomorrow or something. When I've actually gone out and about. Hehe. Aight. Back to IM-ing Mikey. Buhbye.

2009-12-20T15:09:00.003+08:00

Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.

Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is a serious disease which can lead to congestive heart failure.

- The Big Bang Theory, Season 3

Now I know why I woke up with the word "cardiomyopathy" on my mind. Haha. And I must say, The Grinch is my all-time favourite Christmas movie. =D

The Gift

2009-12-20T00:18:00.003+08:00

Christmas is coming - again. Are you excited? Is it your favourite festival of the year? It is for me. There's just something about Christmas, innit. It could be the lights, the (non-existent on this side of the globe) snow, the gifts, the food, the songs. Whatever it is, there's just something that makes Christmas so different from every other festival that mankind celebrates throughout the year.

Every year, I am always faced with the question of "What is Christmas?" And I haven't actually thought about it - until today. I was sitting in church paying half attention to the speaker. My mind was flitting in and out of the hall. But the speaker started talking about how one would show Christmas kindness and to whom. The obvious answers were to orphans and old folks. What do you give them? Food to eat, clothes to wear, toys to play. Simple enough, no? And then he asked us if these things are really what they want. The honest answer is no, it's not. What they want is not material things or daily necessities. What they want is love and family.

The speaker had mentioned something about gifts. When I actually think about it, I can't remember what I got last Christmas or the Christmas before last. And quite frankly, if I can't remember it, I sure don't know where it is right now. The gifts that we get mean something to us when we get it. But after that, it just gets misplaced or unused. What we place value on today may lose all value tomorrow. I may think that I want this thing and I need it, for whatever reason. But if I were to be absolutely honest with myself, I don't really need it. I just want it. And if I were to really look at what I have, I would realize that I have more than enough. I just need to learn to be content and know the difference between what I want and what I need.

And then there are gifts that you get for people. What is a gift, really? It's an expression of your love, as I heard today. It shows that you care for someone enough to take the time and effort to buy them something, and not just anything, but something that you've given a lot of thought to. I think of all the gifts that I could give the people I love. And you could buy so many things. But I doubt they will need any of them. Only the world makes it seem as if we need to have this or that.

But there is one gift that is always there for the taking every year. It's THE gift. The one that everyone needs (although not everyone realizes it), the one that lasts, the one that you won't misplace or leave unused. Christmas is not about stuffed turkeys, mince pies, carols, Santa Claus, presents and whatever else you may associate with it. It is a time for people to stop and look back on the year. It makes you think of what you've done in the past year and ultimately, what you're doing in life. For some, it's a time to find THE gift. For others, it's a time to remember what makes the gift THE gift. Do you have it? It's there for the taking. Open it, unwrap it, take it.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

2009-12-19T23:11:00.003+08:00

"To see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and what I'm trying to say is, I think I love you. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

- Stardust

To Dare, To Risk, To Chance

2009-12-17T15:38:00.006+08:00

Ah! I haven't been posting as much as I did in November. Haha. Oh no. I don't wanna lose my serial blogger streak. So here I am, trying to think of what I want to say. I'm sitting in front of the monitor and wondering what thoughts are going to flow out of my head. This is exciting. Lol. Just sitting and waiting.

OK. Let's ask some questions. Have you taken any risks in life? Any chances? Do something crazy or well, maybe not crazy, just something you wouldn't usually do? To me, taking a risk is doing something you wouldn't do. It's something that gives you a rush and makes you feel alive.

It can range from the weirdest and extreme things to the simple and complex decisions we need to make everyday. I've eaten a cricket skewered on a stick. I've bungee jumped straight into a lake. I've danced my heart away in front of a crowd although it made me look demented. I've walked in the rain without an umbrella and ran the risk of inducing the failure of my weak immune system. Those are weird and extreme. And then there are the other risks you take. Deciding what to do with your life after school. Contemplating whether or not you should give your heart to this one person. Letting your feelings unravel in front of people. Taking up a challenge you're not sure you're cut out for. And one other thing for me, choosing what to eat. Lol.

Taking chances is a scary thing. 'Cause it puts you out of your comfort zone. A part of you wants to stay safe and secure. The other part of you is excited and longing to know what will happen if you take that chance. The feeling that you get when you take a risk is very much like bungee jumping. When I went bungee jumping, they brought me high, high up. From that point I could see above everything else. My arms are open wide, ready to grab the air as I fall. Then I took the plunge and fell straight down. It was so exhilarating that I couldn't even find my voice in order to scream. Then I start swinging like a pendulum and everything's upside down. Haha. But I see everything right side up again.

It's a wonderful thing when you take a risk. And the kind of risks I'm talking about is when you're following your heart. It's scary at first, but it always turns out OK. When the risks you take are ones that you are motivated by with all your heart, then you will not regret it. Because the risks and the chances that you take make you who you want to be. If you don't take the risk, you'll always wonder and feel like you should've done this or that. The saddest sentences always start with, "If only... "

Risks open up a world of possibility. Just like when I stood high above the world with my arms wide open, so when I take a risk, I stand above the world of possibility with my arms wide open. It gives me hope and belief. And that's what we all need, isn't it? So often we are held back by what we think are our limitations. But these limitations are imaginary. They are only in your head. And they have a name: fear. What you ought to listen to is in your heart. There is something big in you waiting to happen. And only when you believe that you can do everything you want to do and be everything you want to be, then the time will come. Each and every one of your dreams will come true one day.

To dare, to risk, to chance is to lose your footing momentarily. It is to hang in the balance only by a thread. It is to jump into the deep end knowing that you have small lungs, like me. Lol. It is to throw yourself off a cliff when you only have a rough idea of how to fly. But to dare, to risk, to chance is most of all, to live.

The Little Prince

2009-12-15T21:13:00.003+08:00

Just wanted to share some of my favourite quotes from a beloved book, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

I did not really know what to say. I felt like a blundering idiot. I did not know how to reach him, where to catch up with him. It is such a secret place, the land of tears.

It is lonely when you're among people, too.

To me, you are still only a small boy and I have no need of you. And you in turn have no need of me. To you, I'm just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you shall be unique in the world. To you, I shall be unique in the world.

There is no shop where friends can be bought, so people no longer have friends. If you want a friend, tame me. You have to be very patient. First, you will sit down a short distance away from me. I shall watch you and you will say nothing; words are the source of misunderstandings. But each day you may sit a little closer to me.

Happiness has its price.

You are nothing like my rose. As yet you are nothing at all. You are beautiful but you are empty. One could not die for you. My rose, in herself, matters more than all of you together.

Now here is my secret: you can only see things clearly with your heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.

It is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes your rose so important.

What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it is hiding a well.

When you have got over your loss (for we always do), you'll be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend.

Some of the Best Days of My Life

2009-12-11T23:23:00.016+08:00

I'm back from Port Dickson! Can't believe that I've finished my SPM and returned from a holiday - in this one week alone. I'm missing the place already. But everything has to end. Especially holidays. Haha. So anyway, I had a smashing time! It was hands down the best holiday I have ever had. Hehe. Let me tell you all about it, aight?

We left at about 10.30. Dad took the coastal road so we got to see a lot of small towns and plantations. Pretty cool. Hehe. And of course, since our heads were still full of what we studied for SPM, we were talking about mirages and pneumatophores. What bugsies. Lol. Reached Avillion at about 2. The place looked beyond awesome. Me and Nette were all, "Whoa!" Haha. The first chalet we got didn't even have a proper view of the sea and it wasn't even out to sea. So we decided to upgrade to the premium water chalet. They gave us the one right next to Avi Spa and was furthest out to sea. So that one was really nice.

The first day itself we did a lot. Explored the resort and then at night we went to The Galley, a bar. Hung out there for quite awhile before spending a few hours at the beach. I had a great time just talking and sharing with Jessica, Nette and Yoke Pei. Oh, how I love them. =)

When we headed back to the chalet, guess what happened? A lizard almost fell on my head when I went to open the door. It only just barely missed me. Haha. Then when I entered the chalet, I found a cockroach in the toilet. Screamed and ran out to the room. Me and Nette tried to kill it with a glass of hot water and an umbrella. Lol. They were the only weapons we could think of using at the time. It didn't work so we had to run out of the toilet and rethink our plan. Haha. That's when I saw the cockroach come out into the room and I started pointing and screaming. And the other three ran so fast to the other side of the room! Hahaha. My first instinct was to run too, but if I did, then the cockroach would still be alive. So I wore my Crocs and started stamping the cockroach to death. After that, I was literally shaking wei. Usually I kill cockroaches with aerosol spray. Haha.

The next day we were out at the beach. Went kayaking. It was my first time but I daresay I was pretty good at it. I paired with Nette and we were such a team! Hehe. Left, right, left, right, straight ahead... Haha. The other two were going around in circles. Lol. That night, we went for dinner at Crow's Nest restaurant in the resort. Later, we headed to the beach and spent about two hours there with the guitar. Then we had a midnight swim. Me and Nette left for the chalet to bathe first whilst the other two continued to swim. But there were no towels, so me and Nette just walked back. It was so, so cold! The wind was so strong. And when we entered the chalet, the air cond and fan were on at full blast so it was even colder than outside. Then Nette went to bathe while I stood outside wrapped in a towel and dripping wet. Haha. After that I went to get the other two and brought 'em their towels. Then that night Jessica did some sand thingy for all of us. Very cool. Hehe. Nette and Pei urut my arms cause they were aching so much from kayaking.

And so quickly, the final day came. We had breakfast and then me, Nette and Pei went to the animal farm. I'd been wanting to go since I found out Avillion had an animal farm. So I was really psyched when I got to go. They had rabbits, peacocks, guinea pigs, chickens, roosters and tortoises. I fed the rabbits and chickens, and a rooster perched on my arm! I was like a madly happy kid who had been let loose into a toy store and allowed to get whatever she wanted. XD The animal farm really made my day. After that, we checked out at 12 and said goodbye to Avillion. =(

1, 2, 3... Haha

Look at my hair! Haha.

Randall Jack aku yang tersayang XD

Calcium carbonate!

Love Nette's face, haha

I'm sunburnt and sleepy, Pei is just posing =P

Junior the rooster

My fave one-week-old rabbit

We'll come back and stay in Room 609 again, yes? =)

My three days at Avillion were really amazing. Firstly, I had an absolutely smashing time with three people that I love with all my heart. It's so cool that we got the opportunity to spend three days together alone. Hehe. We got closer - if that's at all possible, considering how close we already are =] - over those three days. Other than that, I've never really gotten a chance to be close to nature. But staying in Port Dickson was a first-hand encounter with nature. The sound of the waves and the myriad noises that come from the many insects were soothing and calming. It rocked me to sleep. I see Your handiwork in the stars, the sun, the sky, the sea. And I see Your handiwork in the three very special people that I spent the last three days with. Thank You for giving me the chance to take time away and behold Your creation in all its glory. But teach me also to see Your creation in my daily life. It doesn't matter where I am. Everything I see comes from You. I love You for taking me on this holiday, because these were some of the best days of my life. =]

2009-12-08T22:20:00.002+08:00

17 posts ago I was just about to begin my SPM. 17 posts later and I'm done with my SPM. *Grins*

So how do I reward myself after sitting for secondary school exams - once and for all?

I go on a holiday! I grab three of my bestest friends in the whole wide world, pack a bag filled with just enough clothes (plus sunscreen and shades, of course), bring my beloved guitar along and escape from the normal routine of life for three days. In Port Dickson there is a chalet sitting on the shallow waters of the Straits of Malacca waiting for me. And I'm coming... in a matter of hours! =)

Don't you think that I just know how to live it up? =P Haha.

Goodbye, dear readers! Miss me OK? Lol. And goodbye, blog! I'll be back real soon. And you'll be flooded with pictures. That, I promise. =]

The Clock Ticks Time Away

2009-12-06T17:30:00.006+08:00

A lot of people in church asked me this: "So, excited or not?" Cause SPM is gonna end on Tuesday for me lah. Everytime anyone asks me that, I actually have to stop and think, and my answer is just a shrug. I'm not excited. I don't feel anything. I guess I will be - or I am - happy. I dunno. Haha.

SPM has really shown me how time flies, literally. I don't think I've ever been more aware of time and how quickly it passes me by. Just sometime ago I was counting down 25 papers and 12 subjects. Now I've got 3 papers and 1 subject left. How did I get here? From 18th November to 6th December. Did I blink and miss everything? Lol. It was so fast. Too fast.

I know that when I started SPM I knew that it would be over and done with soon enough. But when I was in the second week, I felt like it was taking so long that I wouldn't be surprised if I grew older by another two years already. And then I finished the third week, and I was stumped. What? I only have one more day of SPM left? Oh no, oh no... It's ending. My last day of school for the rest of my life is coming and I don't know what to do. How do I make it special? Take my time and pack my bag (and risk Jessica nagging me to hurry up and why I'm suddenly taking such a long time to pack)? Walk extremely slowly down the stairs (and brace myself for the many whispered complaints from the people behind me who wanna get out of school as quickly as possible)? Haha.

I guess trying to make it special will make it not special. When you try to make your last school day special by doing all kinds of things that you normally wouldn't do, then it's not special anymore. Cause what makes it special is it's your last day doing what you always do in school. Packing your school bag at your normal pace, walking down the stairs and laughing with your friends... The one thing that's gonna change is that you'll stop and turn to look at your school one last time before you step out the school gates. Don't rush out. I hope you don't rush out. Don't get caught up in all the joy of finishing SPM that you forget to stop and look at your school for the last time. It's the last time you'll ever feel that comfortable, like you belong here. Cause the next time you step into this school, it's not your school anymore. It's not the same anymore. You're not a school student. That time's long gone. So... don't rush out lah OK? Haha.

2009-12-05T23:39:00.012+08:00

We are never going to be the people we are now.
Things will never be the way they are now.
I am never going to know you the way I do now.
You are never going to meet the me you know now.
You and I will change. And the people we are now will disappear.
And that makes me sad. Because I really, really like the you I know right now.

Living, Breathing, Loving Life

2009-12-05T10:35:00.002+08:00

Life doesn't happen to everyone.

Have you ever thought of that? You're alive. You're living, breathing. You're a human being with a soul. You're you. Special in every way, different in every aspect.

And this life only happens once. It doesn't happen to everyone, but when it does, it only happens once. You get one shot. It's hard, it's painful, it's complicated and we barely make it. But life is, above all else, beautiful. We love until we die. We feel until we die. Our hearts beat and break.

I look around me and I see what a scary world we live in; this temporary home of ours. It's a bad world. It really is. You read the papers and all the terrible things that happen everyday... It's really scary. Everyday I read the papers. And I'm reminded of how uncertain everything is. It doesn't matter what age you are or how much you've done (or haven't done) in your life, you never know when you might leave. Now at 17 I might say, "I'm too young to die." But even when I'm 40, I guess I'll still be saying, "I'm too young to die." We think that 24 hours in a day is not long enough. But it's enough. You're just spending it the wrong way.

Go through life knowing that you're making the most of it and giving it your best shot. Be able to tell yourself, "I'm doing my best. Everything I experience in this life, I'm making the most of it. Everyone I meet, I'm learning them, appreciating them, loving them." Stand where you are and look at what you have. Cause we always let all these moments pass us. Stand where you are and look, not just see. Then you'll be able to say that it's amazing from where you're standing. Life is amazing. There's a lot that we can give. And it's ours only for a moment.

Are you living life? Are you giving it all you've got? I wanna live life. I wanna give it all I've got. Cause it's a miracle that I'm alive. It's a miracle that life happened to me. And it's a miracle that it happened to you too.

I Really Wanna Be...

2009-12-04T14:42:00.003+08:00

... a special agent.

Seriously. Really.

For quite some time now, I've wanted to be a special agent. As a career. Like, for the rest of my life. Haha. Yes, I have been watching way too many TV shows. I realize that all I watch nowadays either has to do with cops or doctors. Then in between all those there're nerds and heroes. Lol. The shows that I watch always have cops in 'em, like The Mentalist, FlashForward and plus Star World and AXN screens so many like CSI, Life, Castle, Warehouse 13. And the ones with doctors in 'em are Grey's Anatomy, FlashForward, Royal Pains... you get the picture.

OK, so back to the special agent thing. I think it's really cool. I wanna work for the FBI or the CIA. And I've done my research. Looked up the length of training I need to undergo, where the training centre is, the departments and units... Buthen, there's a problem: I'm not a citizen of the United States. So tak boleh lah. Haha. If I wanna be a federal agent, I have to work for Malaysia. Like, in the Special Branch, Unit Tindakan Cepat (I know, it sounds so... haha, but it's actually SWAT, y'knw) or Pasukan Gerakan Khas.

Ah ha, and another problem is, I am not fit enough to be a cop. I will never be fit enough to be a cop. Haha. I just can't chase after the baddies. My fitness level would be way below their requirements. If they did a fitness test on me, I'd have 0% muscle (except the amount of muscle that the human body normally has). Haha.

But let me dream a bit lah. Hehe. I've always liked the idea of having a gun strapped at my waist, a badge that looks oh so glamourous, being able to interrogate people, running after bad guys yelling, "Stop, FBI!" or "Stop, CIA!" (personally, I think shouting FBI sounds cooler)... Gaya sial lah. Lol. Then there's the whole aura that I'll exude that says, "I'm a Special Agent. You don't wanna mess with me." Haha. So yeah, right now I really wanna be a special agent. =)

On a totally different note, this question's been bugging me for awhile: Do fishes have ears? So I checked it out. And no, they don't have ears. Just thought you might wanna know that. Haha.

2009-12-03T16:55:00.003+08:00

How do I reward myself after sitting for several exam papers?

I do one (or all :P) of the following (and not in order, hehe):

1) Play F1 2009 on the PSP
2) Watch an episode of either The Big Bang Theory, The Mentalist or FlashForward
3) Kill time on Facebook
4) Blogsurf and blog, haha

Ah, the simple pleasures of life for simple me :D

A Wedding Reception

2009-11-30T19:43:00.006+08:00

I was at a wedding dinner y'day night held at Berjaya Times Square Hotel. Went with Uncle Drew, Aunty Mee Ching and Wei Lyn and family. We arrived quite early, like 6:30. Had to wait so long. But at least they had cocktails, so me and Jo makan habis all the spicy peanuts. Haha.

Got into the ballroom at 7:30. We (being me, Jo, Wei Shern and Wei Lyn) had our own table with another family. They were really friendly. Parents and two daughters. One of their daughters is a professional clown. Lol. Cool, cool. Haha. Oh, and they thought that I was in college. They were surprised when I said I'm in Form 5. I always, always get that. Met a lot of uncles and aunties from the other churches. I hardly get to see them. So it was nice.

Although we had to wait even longer until the food was served, the food more than made up for the wait. It was quite good. Not as lousy as the food served at the many wedding dinners I've been to. So anyway, here are some pictures. Feast your eyes. :)

If I knew how to Photoshop fangs into this image, I
would have a vampire for a brother :D

What a poser!

2009-11-27T21:36:00.002+08:00

"Everyday you make me proud,
but today you get a card."

- 500 Days of Summer

More Than A Song

2009-11-27T09:13:00.010+08:00

I was going through my secret book. Haha. It's this book where I write stuff like poems, quotes, thoughts and whatever else. But it's not really a secret now, is it? Lol. So anyway, I found something I wrote about music on 17th November 2008. I don't know what prompted me to write that, but I know I was inspired. And so, what else would I do when inspired than write? =)

Music takes me away from my troubles.

When I listen to a song, everything I'm going through fades away. I can only hear the words, the melody, the beat. I bask in the moment, free from all my pain and all my worries. Even for awhile, the music calms my soul and brings me to a place, a safe haven.

Then the music gradually fades, and silence returns to fill the empty space, and I am reminded that nothing has changed, reality remains. But just for a bit, the music gives me hope, gives me strength.

Music takes me away from my troubles.

I absolutely love music. It's a really beautiful thing. And it's one of my forms of expression. Not one day goes by that I do not listen to music. To me, music is therapeutic. When I write songs, music becomes cathartic. I find that I am able to put into words what I would otherwise have found difficult to convey. Music comes from the heart and not so much the mind.

It's everywhere, too. You can find music in anything. Close your eyes and listen to the sounds of everything around you. Simple things like the tapping of your keyboard, the sound of the fan spinning, my brother yelling my name... Haha. It's the sound of home. =] And as I dwell on that thought, I realize that music also captures memories. Just as a camera captures photographs, songs capture a moment in time and retains it in my memory forever. It reminds me of places, happenings, people.

Music has brought so much into my life. A life without music is an empty life to me.

The Giving Tree

2009-11-26T16:26:00.018+08:00

Here's a story that I'd like to share. It's called "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. It's about a tree and a boy who are the best of friends during an idyllic childhood where he eats apples from the tree, climbs her trunk, swings from her branches and rests in her shade. Then things chance - as things always do - and the boy approaches the tree at all the various stages of his life, caught up more in wanting and needing from the tree than in just being with the tree. Each time has has a "need," the tree obliges and is happy for having done so. She doesn't have much, but gives all she has until eventually, she is nothing but a stump. At the end of all things, however, it turn outs a stump is just what the old man needs - a quiet place to sit down and rest and reflect. "And the tree was happy. The end."

This story reminds me of my relationship with You. How many times have I only come to You when I was in need. Or prayed to You asking for something for my own benefit. Through the tree, I see Your complete love to the point of emptying Yourself of all You are for me. Your unquestioning sacrifice, even for someone who isn't appreciating or understanding of what they have been given. All You want is just to be with the ones You love. The immensity of what You did on the cross is so overwhelming!

I've read somewhere before that says, "God died for You because He didn't want to live without you." You died for me because You didn't want to live without me. I don't ever want to do anything to break Your heart. I don't ever want to fall out with You and stray on my own path. I don't ever want anything in life that is not what You want for me. I don't ever want anything else but You.

All You Have Is Now

2009-11-26T10:08:00.006+08:00

I am a person who is more occupied with my future plans rather than my current ones. I've always been the kind who looks ahead. And I like to have everything planned out. I wanna be in the know. What's going to happen after this year? "This is what's going to happen... " is what I would like to tell myself. But the truth is, I don't know. I haven't a clue what's going to happen. I can keep planning and figuring everything out for myself. In the end, I'm not the one who determines it.

There's the past, the present and the future. The past is real and it's always gonna be there. The present is the past rushing into the future; the point where both meet - now. And the future is what it is: some great unknown. Our lives are made up of the past, the present and the future. Equal attention must be paid to all three. Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope in the future.

We spend a lot of time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Not after school, not after college, right now. This is it. It’s here. Blink and you’ll miss it. Did you say it? "You changed my life." "I love you." "I'll always remember you." All you wanted to say. Did you do it? Smile. Laugh. Cry. All you wanted to do. Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around. Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

Guess Who's Back?

2009-11-22T12:57:00.002+08:00

WEI SHERN'S BACK!
Yay! I'm so happy he's back.
*Wide grin*
=D

You Could Be...

2009-11-21T19:40:00.004+08:00

"You ever look at a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other people's life have we been in. Were we somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it." - Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

I have only lived for 17 years. I cannot claim to have been through much. Or that my eyes have seen a lot. Or that my heart has felt more than it has. But I have been through things. And my heart has felt a myriad of emotions. It has felt pain, disappointment, regret, confusion, despair and it has also felt love, hope, delight, gratitude, faith.

The quote above made me think. I may only be 17. But there is a lot in those years. Many people have crossed my path. And I have crossed many people's paths. I have been in and out of people's lives. You may not know me. But if you do, I hope that I have, in a way, impacted your life. That you are glad that we know each other. I don't want to be just another person to you. I want to be someone you remember.

I believe that everyone hopes that when they come to the end of their lives on earth, they may be able to say that they have been the best version of themselves and have been able to touch the lives of the people around them. You don't have to change someone's life. You only have to cause a slight ripple, make their lives a little brighter, give them a reason to keep on keeping on. Cause that's what life is about. People. They are all that matters. The people who were in your life and who are in your life; they're not just there by chance. There is a reason why they are there. Of all the people in the world, what are the chances that you would know the people you know right now? So be the best person that you can be to everyone who crosses your path. Cause you could be a big part of someone else's life, and it doesn't matter if you know it or you don't. Just as long as you know that you have been the best version of you.

6 Reasons Why I Like SPM

2009-11-20T17:32:00.007+08:00

These are 6 reasons why I like SPM:

1) My family treats me strangely extremely well. Especially Jo and my elder brother, Jack. They always hug me when I get back from school and ask me how were my papers. "Hi Che. *Open arms." "Hey girl. *Open arms*" Haha. And Mum's really nice. Waking up early every morning just to see me off although she needn't because Melia picks me up. And Dad's also all about the hugs. "Hi Mandy. *Open arms* How were the papers?" I feel so pampered. Lol!

2) I get to experience You. It's been three days of SPM already. And thank God, my papers so far have been fine. I am not worried or anxious about it because I am so sure that all the answers were not from me. They were all from You. I didn't do anything at all. Hehe. That's how I want it to be. Nothing done in my strength. Nothing at all. Besides, who better to commit my papers to than the One who created all these in the first place? *Grins* And oh, You have been so faithful, so faithful! I can't tell You how much I love You but I hope that when You look at my heart, You'll know it's so full of love for You for everything You are to me.

3) Supportive friends. It's so nice to have this big group of friends. That means me, Jessica, Yoke Pei, Nette, Melia, Su Vien, Iri, Angel, Hannah... We always pray before every single paper. And when I'm done, I'll always go to meet Jessica, YP and Nette before leaving the hall. Then us and the others will leave school together. And I like the fact that we usually just relax before every paper, then we just commit everything to God before we go into the hall. And we don't discuss the paper. If we do, we discuss how we felt about it. And I know that I can always whine if my paper didn't go as well as I hoped and they would always be able to tell me something to make me feel better. Haha.

4) The fantastic atmosphere. I'm really into quietness and solitude. I am a loud person. Haha. But I have my silent times too. And what I like about SPM is that it's so serious so it makes me really serious too. Haha. You see, everytime I sit for exams or tests, I'm really serious. You can go as far as saying that I'm a different person in the exam hall cause I don't seem to know anyone else. When I'm done, I usually just look around at stuff or outside, but never at people. That's just how I approach exams and tests. Lol. I'm weird so you shouldn't be surprised. And I just love the feeling of sitting in the hall with all these invigilators walking around you. And I really love the fact that they're super exact about the time. Only the moment the long hand ticks past 12 then nie they let you start. Ooh, and the History Section B was really fun to tear out. Haha. Although I made a lot of noise. I was just trying to be quiet actually. Lol.

5) It only happens once in a lifetime. I always feel that I should treasure everything that I experience in life. And as a student, that includes exams. Which is why I'm really gonna miss SPM. I was excited when it started. But it's passing by so quickly I'm afraid that I'm losing the chance to cherish it. Haha. It's like SPM is going way too fast. Don't think about the results or having to study and all that, just look at it as an experience. One that you'll only ever have once. Unless you resit in the middle of 2010. Lol.

6) This is my last chance to be a student before it's gone forever. I just realized this today. Cause Mum said something like, "After SPM you'll be out of school forever. You can't be together with your friends anymore. You're all going different ways." Then I became all =(. Sentimental me. Lol. And what my mum said sounded so darn sad. Can't be together anymore. Haha. But it's true. I'll never walk these grounds and feel so comfortable. The next time I set foot in MGS, it'll be like, "Alah. Mana office tu ah?" And with my bad memory, that is so possible. Haha.

2009-11-20T13:03:00.006+08:00

Leonard: Stars are pretty, aren't they?

Howard: Up above the world so high, like little diamonds in the sky.

Raj: That's beautiful, dude. You should write that down before someone steals it.

- The Big Bang Theory, Season 3

S P M

2009-11-17T15:57:00.003+08:00

SPM 2009 begins tomorrow. The whole year of studying has been for these next four weeks. Wow. It's here. Haha. It's actually here. And I think I'm prepared. I'll go into the hall with guns (pens and 2B pencils XD) blazing. Lol. I never thought about how I would be in the days counting down to this major examination. But strangely enough, as I mentioned in my previous post, I am at peace. I thank You so much for being all I need, all I've ever needed and all I'll ever need. With You, I can say with absolute confidence, "I'm OK and I'll be OK." So when I begin this 10-day adventure tomorrow, I know You'll come along with me. Just me and You in a quiet hall. We'll have fun, yes? =]

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
But I trust in the name of the Lord my GOD!"
Psalm 20:7

Hi, I'm BA029A003

2009-11-16T13:39:00.005+08:00

I went to school today to arrange the places and do other stuff for SPM. The school held some motivational programme (or they thought it was motivational cause it wasn't for me; I prefer the motivational programme held when I was sitting for PMR 2007) before break. During break, I got to meet Puan Giam. Angel saw her actually, then she told me and we both ran to meet her. Then she said this to me in Hokkien: "Ah neh sui cha boh," or something like that. Lol. I dunno whether I wrote it correctly or if some words are wrong. Haha. But that's just how it sounded to me. She wished me and Angel all the best and God bless.

After break, they divided the students and sent most of the classes to the other classrooms. Only 5D, 5S and 5P students remained in the hall. So I had to find a table for myself. I got a pretty stable one. Everyone else was wetting and wiping their tables. I didn't have to do that cause my table was surprisingly extremely clean. Hehe. And I got my favourite gray chair. Oh, and I'm sitting beside Usha. What a surprise. I thought maybe I'd be sitting beside Ciuyi. Then Angel's behind me and Melia and Su Vien are pretty close by. It's too bad that Jessica, YP and Nette are damn far from me.

So anyway, I am sitting in the first row on the left, third table from the front. It's a pretty nice place. I'm satisfied =D I sit right beside the open doors, so I get a cool windy breeze every once in awhile. And of course, I sit so in front so I get to see the huge clock that ticks away the minutes until SPM ends for me =)

Then I got my SPM slip, which I call my SPM receipt because it actually has some price at the bottom. It doesn't look as nice as the one that I got for PMR. And then I got my sijil berhenti too. Nice blue paper. Haha. Ah. With all these official documents presented to me already and a table with my name on it in the MGS hall, all that's left is for me to actually sit for the exam. I'm not feeling stressed now. I've been stressed the whole year, but it's strange how when it actually comes to the moment, I feel an indescribable peace. Now I know that I had to go through all that stress to know that the peace I feel now comes from You and You alone. =] Oh, and before I left the hall today, I turned to my table, tapped it and said, "I'll see you Wednesday. Be nice to me." Haha.

One order of the SPM 2009 exam. RM163.50, please? XD

Effective after 8th December =D

My place for the next four weeks

Study, study, study =)

Marchin' On

2009-11-14T09:52:00.004+08:00

For those days we felt like a mistake
Those times when love's what you hate
Somehow, we keep marchin' on
For those nights when I couldn't be there
I've made it harder to know that you know
That somehow, we'll keep movin' on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin' on

For all of the plans we've made, there isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care if we bend, I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin' on
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know we're not what we've seen
For this dance we'll move with each other
There ain't no step other than one foot right in front of the other

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bonds that we save
But we'll have the heart not to lose it
We put one foot in front of the other
We move like we ain't go no other
We go when we go
We're marchin' on

Falling head over heels in love with OneRepublic's latest, Waking Up. Ryan Tedder has got to be my favourite songwriter in the whole world! Haha. Somehow the songs that he writes are just so beautiful. The words he chooses and the way they match each other with the music being the finishing touch. And the one thing that I absolutely love is how he incorporates strings into the music. Yay, strings! Haha. I wish I could write songs like that. Ah... =]

What's Your Toothpaste?

2009-11-13T20:21:00.002+08:00

What's the first thing you do when you wake up? Brush your teeth. If that wasn't the answer for any of you, then you must be an unhygienic person with bad breath. Haha. It's OK if you're not for toothbrushes and lean more towards Listerine or chewing gum. I'm not judging. Lol.

I am very particular about my toothpaste. Brushing my teeth may just be a normal routine thing and you may think, "Who cares what toothpaste I use? As long as I brush my teeth WITH toothpaste, can adi lah." Lol. But why don't you start your day with an adventure? Try on different kinds of toothpastes. It gives meaning to the otherwise boring act of running a brush over every single tooth in your mouth. *Grins* Or it does for me. Haha. It makes me look forward to brushing my teeth. I jump out of bed and think, "Ooh. Apple mint today. I wonder how that will taste." Haha.

When I was a kid, I was a sucker for Colgate Pokemon toothpaste. My preference was the Pikachu Bubble Fruit one with blue gel. Love it! The blue gel was all sparkly and it tasted yummy. Haha. But I didn't eat it lah, OK. I also used Oral-B Stages Buzz Lightyear toothpaste. That was real nice too. But Pikachu all the way lah. Haha. What toothpaste did you use as a kid? Do tell. =D

I always wanted to keep using children's toothpaste, buthen my mum said that I couldn't anymore because I was all grown up and should use adult toothpaste. Haha. So now, I use all kinds of toothpaste. I don't just stick to one. So far, I have used Colgate Propolis (beautiful yellow gel), Colgate Kayu Sugi (which was horrible, don't buy it), Colgate Herbal White (nice green and white stripes), Darlie Hydro Gel (water from the Alps or something), Fresh & White Apple Mint (this absolutely rocks) and Pearl Drops Whitening (which acts as a mouthwash too =D), to name a few.

I don't like it when my mum buys Darlie, the normal kind. Like, so boring! Aiyoh. At least special toothpastes motivate me to brush my teeth. Haha. The rest of my family uses Darlie, except for my brothers, because they have to use whatever I use since all our toothbrushes are at the same sink. Hehe. Mum and Dad can keep using their Darlie lah.

So yes, brushing your teeth can be a fun activity. Hehe. Now what are you waiting for? Go and get a weird toothpaste and see if trying out different toothpastes makes you as happy as it makes me. Hohoho. XD

Haven't Met You Yet

2009-11-12T20:58:00.008+08:00

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I've stopped keeping track
I talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility

I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, babe, that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Cause somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, babe, that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

Ah. I love every single lyric in this song! It's so right. Haha. Loving Michael Buble's Crazy Love. The songs are all about love and so jazzy. Hehe. *Dreamy smile*

Oh MGS, My School Most Dear

2009-11-11T14:11:00.007+08:00

I went to school today and was greeted (as is the norm lately) by gasps followed by, "What're you doing here?" "Ey, you suddenly come school so many days wan." "Amanda, you're here!" Haha. All the teachers and my classmates are always so surprised whenever I appear in school. So anyway, yes, I went to school today - alone. And it was officially my last day in school (because when I'm in school for SPM, it's not official schooling period and only Form 5s are around).

School was pretty OK. The whole day felt normal until it came to the end of school. I walked really slowly and tried to take everything in. "Oh man, this is it. This is the last time I'm going to stand here in these clothes," I thought. Yeah. I'm like that. Haha. I always wanna treasure every last moment I get for whatever it is that I will never experience again. Cause I'm a person who hates goodbyes. I really do. I don't like it when good things (and yes, school is a good thing) end. But they always do, don't they? And I'm leaving this part of my life. I'll be transitioning into a whole new chapter. I'm reluctant to close this chapter but I've no control over it. *Sniff sniff* No, I'm not crying. Haha. Although my throat is a bit choked. Hehe.

I looked all around me and realized that I would miss it all so much. Puan Ting watching me sleep in Chemistry class as she explains carbon compounds. Puan Tan teaching me Add Maths with so much energy. Puan Rosnani asking me why I didn't do my work again and letting me off the hook anyway. Puan Sheila letting me speak my mind in her class. Puan Hashirene not scolding me although I never copy anything that she writes on the board. Mr Teh asking me when I'm gonna teach him to play the guitar. Puan Nadiah being patient with me when I mess around before ordering what I want at the koperasi. Yoke Pei tolerating my daily abuse. Jessica knocking me on the head whenever I say something stupid. Lynnette giving me a reason to laugh everyday. Beverlea walking all around school with me.

School is such a big part of my life. I suddenly find it hard to leave it. And yet, I have to. It all comes to an end even if I try to slow down and remember everything I see, everything I hear, everything I feel. I know that I'll always miss it. When I go to college, university and work, a part of me will always miss school. =)

I'm so happy that MGS has yellow socks XD

I'll miss you, pinafore and school shoes ='(

Someday

2009-11-10T22:49:00.003+08:00

Maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Keep It Down!

2009-11-08T15:10:00.006+08:00

MY NEIGHBOURS HAVE GOT TO TURN DOWN THEIR VOLUME!
I am trying to study and they're playing loud music with extremely gay beats!
I'm losing it! Argh! Gah! Ish!
I miss my previous neighbours...
They never made noise and they always invited us over for Raya.
*Sniff sniff* =(

I Write...

2009-11-08T10:55:00.009+08:00

What's a blogger, really? Have you thought about that?

I've been blogging since I was 12. I have run out of things to write about that my blog has died countless times and come back to life again. Sometimes it's cause I really don't feel like blogging or I really want to blog but I just have nothing to blog about. But how true is the latter?

Being a staunch believer in the truth of all of Wikipedia's articles (=D), I Wiki-ed blogger and it gave me a very boring definition: a person who writes a blog. I define a blogger as a person who can take anything that happens in his/her life and make it interesting. Maybe it's just an excuse when I say I have nothing to blog about. Because being a blogger is taking even the most mundane occurrences in your life and making it sound like the exact opposite.

I blog because I love writing. I like how my thoughts can flow out through my fingers and become words. I like that my words can connect with another person and turn out to be the unspoken words of their heart which they found hard to express. Writing makes everything clear. It gives me insight about myself. It gives me insight about others. It is my avenue of expressions. It lets me say what I want to say the way I want to say it. Sometimes, I surprise even myself with the things I have written. Writing makes me happy. It gives me permission to speak from the heart. It is the swing and swirl of words that tangle with human emotions. It shows me how complex and yet how pure these emotions are.

Do you love writing but you think you can't? I used to think I couldn't. But when I start writing, I stop thinking. I just write from my heart. Write about anything and everything. Everything I see or experience, I find something to write about. Look closely and you'll soon realize that everything in life is writable. Haha. The best way to write is to fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. And along the way, you will discover yourself.

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Anais Nin

I have something to say and I want to be heard. And so, I write...

Someone Who Understands

2009-11-07T10:45:00.012+08:00

When you're going through something, there are people who try to understand and people who actually do. Both are equally important to get you through whatever it is that you're facing. Here is a message from someone dear to me; someone who understands:

"hah. i think my first nervous breakdown was when i pushed 13 or something. lol. (: being messed up at this point of time is normal. trust me, i'm like the expert of stressing out. lol. i used to call you whenever i hit those moments last year. or maybe *** or **** or you know, good friends. try that? it helps so so much, manda. i want to say you can give me a call but i wouldn't want to disappoint you. in any case that you find that nobody's around, your mom will be there. if not, hey, you've always got Him, babe. i truly hope you're alright. i know the whole hurricane of emotions that can hit your weakest times. be strong okay? i always thought you were. have faith.

love, *****. (:"

Even if you weren't always around, I know that this is your way of being there for me. Thank you. =)

Strange Wilderness

2009-11-06T21:44:00.003+08:00

I stayed up till 1.15 am to watch this movie y'day night. Haha. I don't think I've ever slept so late just to catch a movie. I've only ever stayed up till the wee hours of the morning to study... or when I came back from AAR. Haha.

OK, this movie is beyond funny! It made me laugh so hard that Jo even came out of the room and asked me when the movie would end. Lol. So here's what it's about: This guy called Peter Gaulke and his friend, Fred Wolf host a programme about wildlife called "Strange Wilderness", which is losing its viewership and its ratings are going downhill. So in a desperate bid to save the show, they hatch a plan to find Bigfoot and record an episode about it. The cast is pretty good, y'knw. In the lead is Steve Zahn and there's also Justin Long and Jonah Hill.

Oh my goodness. The movie is just scene after scene of stupid funny nonsense. Haha. They get into a series of accidents which are so funny. And then only they actually get into the jungle in which Bigfoot supposedly dwells. So the scene where they actually find Bigfoot, Gaulke starts talking to the camera and then Bigfoot appears outside the cave. Bigfoot stretches and yawns. And everyone screams and points at Bigfoot, then Gaulke turns around and screams too. Then they all start whipping out huge guns and shoot Bigfoot to death while still screaming. Hahahaha. After all that they went through to find Bigfoot, in an action done on the spur of the moment, they killed him. Lol. Then what happens after that is also so funny. Hehe.

Ah. Just writing this out is making me laugh in front of the monitor. I went and IMDB-ed the movie, and it has pretty poor ratings. But y'knw, no matter how stupid or even how good people say something is (a movie, a book, whatever), you gotta let yourself be the judge of it; cause maybe it'll crack you up and give you a reason to stay up way past your bedtime =D

Let Me Go

2009-11-05T18:55:00.003+08:00

Do you love me enough to let me go?
Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through
To let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?

- "Enough To Let Me Go" by Switchfoot

Burger Ramly

2009-11-04T22:16:00.002+08:00

Comfort food on a rainy night : )

Reach Out Your Hands

2009-11-03T17:31:00.011+08:00

A quote that I hold very close to my heart. Just wanted to share. =]

"We would accomplish many more things
if we did not think them impossible."
Vince Lombardi, Jr.

So reach out for your dreams.
Reach as far and as deep and as high as you can.
Because they may not be as far as you think they are. =)

Conversations, Conversations

2009-11-02T14:13:00.004+08:00

I was late for school - as usual. It's funny how now I'm always late. I used to be early everyday. Anyway, the HM gave her last speech this morning. And I wasn't really concentrating but she was saying that there were two things she wished would change but still hasn't for the past ten years:

i) MGS girls' ultimate hobby: talking and talking and talking
ii) I forgot this one, haha

And y'knw, it's so true. I talk a lot. On just about anything. I think about the next thing to talk about. And then I talk about that. But they don't mean anything. Cause they're just empty talk.

I like having conversations that mean something. Where you talk about how you feel, what you think, your hopes and fears. Anything, just as long as it means something. Conversations like these give me glimpses of the person behind the person. I always feel so thankful when I get to see the real thing. That I was given the chance to know this part that not a lot of people reach. That this other person trusts me enough to open up to me. That this other person wants me to know THIS about himself/herself. Once in awhile, I get to see the heart. But it's not easy. You gotta work for it. You gotta put in effort to reach someone's heart. Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned.

Meaningful conversations only happen once in awhile. And they catch you by surprise. You don't plan to have them. But when you get close enough, they just happen. These conversations always leave me feeling good inside. Like it was time well spent. When I talk about conversations, I don't just mean those with words. Hehe. Yup, you can still have a conversation in silence. And I think that when you can spend time in comfortable silence with someone, the friendship that you both share is really something. It's just knowing that the other person's there eventhough you're both busy doing different things. I call it basking in each other's company.

I don't want to know a lot of people and then realize that I don't actually know them. Cause if it was that way, then the people I know are just acquaintances that make up a list of people I've come to know over the course of my life. It would be sad if that happened to me... or to anyone, really.

When I get to know a new person, I always think that it could be the start of something. But then nothing happens and over time, it's just, "Oh yeah, I know you. Hi." And it's OK when it ends up like that, because there are friendships that are meant to bloom and others that are just always gonna be buried underground. But there are also those that bloomed and then withered. I tried to save those friendships. I dunno if there's such a thing as a friendship expiry date. Lol. But I guess some friendships have that. Maybe both changed, or maybe both didn't change but somehow it just doesn't feel the same. Even if you tried, it's not gonna work because that friendship has kind of gone past its time. Like how no one uses Friendster anymore. XD So then you just let it go. Wave goodbye and say that it was good when it lasted.

I for one know that it's not enough for me to want the friendship to work. This is an expression that I don't actually use and that I cannot do literally: it takes two to tango. And how true. Because friendship is something that all of us treasure and value. It is the creation of a new energy that wasn't there before. It is a breath of fresh life in our dull lives. A new person. A new friendship. A new adventure. But quite frankly, friendship is quite frightening. It can be exciting and exhausting. Even so, we live deprived lives if we live without friends.

It's enough to have a small circle of friends. In the end, numbers don't mean a thing. Even with a small circle of friends, you may not know each of them so well. That's why when you get friends, regardless of whether they are old or new friends, you gotta let it take its natural course. Give it time to allow it to develop. You don't know where it's gonna lead to and whether or not you turn out to be close friends or just friends. But when you get friends who become really close, then that's when you put in the extra effort to keep 'em that way. Have conversations - all kinds of conversations - silly ones, serious ones, silent ones. Sometimes I don't realize who matters, but when I do, I can only count myself lucky that I haven't lost those friendships. And if you have friends like that, you're lucky too =]

One Day At A Time

2009-10-30T00:17:00.002+08:00

I'm taking it slow.
Living in the present.
Not thinking about tomorrow.
Just one day at a time.
With enough grace for the moment.
I'm a rollercoaster of emotions. Haha.

This Heart Says...

2009-10-28T12:17:00.008+08:00

I wish I had what I needed to be on my own

Cause I feel so defeated and I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land
And all I see, it could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy

I'm starting to think that I don't actually know myself that well.
I only know parts and pieces of myself.

What do I know?
I know I like to have it all together.
I know I like to have everything planned out.
I know I can fall apart easily.
I know I bend until I break.
I know I beat myself up when I don't reach the standard I've set for myself.
I know I don't like losing.
I know I judge myself a lot.
I know I often compare myself to my friends.
I know I have an inferiority complex.
I know I often run my life as a one-man show.
I know I never learn my lessons.
I know I'm weak although I think I'm strong.
I know I think I can handle everything on my own.
I know I've put myself under a lot of pressure this whole year.
I know it hasn't done me any good.
I know I don't know how to stop.
I know I'm lost and afraid and tired.
I know I always feel this way.
I know I hide behind a mask - even from myself, that's why some things about me I don't understand.

What don't I know?
I don't know why I react the way I do. Why did I cry?
I don't know what my body is trying to tell me. Is it to slow down?
I don't know why I can't take it easy.
I don't know how not to worry.
I don't know what's actually going on inside me.
I don't know how to fix what I need to fix.
I don't know why I make the same mistakes.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to feel.
I don't know if I'm doing it right or if I'm doing it all wrong.
I don't know why I don't know what I don't know.

So many lessons You've tried to teach me.
Now, what is it that You want me to learn?
Am I missing the point?
Can You hear me?
Please show me, tell me what to do.
I miss direction most in all this desperation.

Satellite Heart

2009-10-28T10:17:00.007+08:00

So pretty, so smart
Such a waste of a young heart
What a pity, what a sham
What's the matter with you, man?

Don't you see it's wrong?
Can't you get it right?
Out of mind and out of sight
Call on all your girls
Don't forget the boys
Put a lid on all that noise

I'm a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I'm spun out so far
You stop, I start
But I'll be true to you

I hear you're living out of state
Running in a whole new scene
You know, I haven't slept in weeks
You're the only thing I see

I'm a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I'm spun out so far
You stop, I start
But I'll be true to you
No matter what you do
Yeah, I'll be true to you

- "Satellite Heart" by Anya Marina

I'm sick again... And my right arm is still swollen from the injection. =(
Just as Amelia said, "How many times you wanna fall sick this year?" Haha.
Comforting myself by listening to Satellite Heart on repeat. =]
Absolutely love this song!

Meet Blitz

2009-10-25T16:40:00.003+08:00

This is Blitz.

He is a 2-week old copper-coloured
Siberian Husky with bright blue eyes.
And he is adorably cute! Haha.
Blitzy (as I call him =]) is Mervy's new pet dog.
And he's really playful and active.
Oh man, puppies are soooooooo cute...!

Here are two videos I took of Blitzy playing around.

Now, isn't he cute? =D

Just A Thought - A Crazy Thought XD

2009-10-23T16:05:00.004+08:00

This might sound pretty crazy but...
I think that SPM is going to be fun. =]

Me: Mum, I think SPM will be fun.

Mum: *Nods* Yes. It will be if you like studying.

I love my mum. Lol.

So yeah, I think that SPM is going to be fun.

Cause I remember telling Jo this:
"Enjoy your PMR, you only get to sit for it once."
And it's the same for SPM. So I should enjoy SPM,
cause I only get to sit for it once. =)

Ask me again and I might change my mind. XD