Update, Update!

Harlo! =D

I know I haven't been blogging in forever. I hate how inconsistent I am now. Haha. What happened to the blogging streak I had two months back? I don't know. Lol.

Anyway, tomorrow's a holiday! It's funny how now every single holiday I get is oh so precious to me. Maybe 'cause they're few and close between. Haha. So I have to go on without holidays for a long time before I get a whole lot of holidays here and there.

So, what has been going on with me, you ask? (I'm just assuming you wanna know. Haha.) I celebrated CNY, yeah, duh. Haha. This year's CNY was pretty fun. Of course a huge difference was Michael not being around, 'cause I remember spending last year's with him, but just gotta deal with it. Hehe. Apart from that, my ang pau collection is as usual, not reaching sky high amounts. Lol. I went back to Mum's hometown in Terengganu for a night. Then I came back and attended open houses and dinners throughout the entire week. I've been having SO MUCH Chinese food! Haha.

Oh, and I have an announcement to make. Ahem ahem. For those of you who have been nagging and pestering me to start driving lessons (I know it's 'cause y'all want me to drive y'all around, haha, but that's OK, I don't mind =D), I have started driving lessons! *Insert loud applause and ear-deafening cheers* (This is where y'all actually applaud and cheer in front of your monitors as you read this, please and thank you =]). I daresay I am pretty good behind the steering wheel. Haha. I guess all that time spent driving stolen cars on Grand Theft Auto have paid off. Lol. My enemy is first gear, but y'know what they say, keep your enemies closer. I know this doesn't really apply here, but whatev lah. Haha. Slowly and surely I am conquering first gear. Hehe. I've only had two driving lessons but I've driven to Northport, Westport and Setia Alam on the Kesas and Federal highways. No kidding. Hehe.

What else, what else? Let's see. College is fine. I really like my lecturers, especially my law lecturer. She's really nice and makes me like law. Hehe. I also love literature. And I'm starting to like sociology and economics. At first, I was struggling a bit (still am, though less so now), but if there's one thing that I've learned in the past two months, it's that you gotta give it time. For whatever it is, you've got to give it some time. And things will get better. Don't stop believin'! Hahaha.

Oh yes, I'm dying. Hahaha. Not literally lah. But I've actually been bordering on sick since Christmas last year ( I know, so long ago!). It's becoming worse lately. My cough and flu is terrible. I remember someone predicting I'm gonna be like this for the next three months if I don't do something =O I really wish I wasn't always so unhealthy. I'm always sick. It's like people are usually healthy, but I'm usually not. Sigh. Then again, it's really my fault. I've been drinking nothing and eating all the wrong things. I have a couldn't-care-less attitude when it comes to taking care of myself.

I think that's about it. I'll try my best to write AFAP (as frequently as possible XD). If and when something hits me and I just have to share it with the blogosphere, I promise I will. Hehe. Until then, buhbye!

And then six became three...

Hello, freedom.
Hello, acceptance.
:)

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me, darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time

- "The Saltwater Room" by Owl City

Alive Not Alone

I was reminded today of how easy it is to get caught up in my own troubles. At the end of today, I was feeling rather drained out. I knew I wasn't particularly tired, because technically, I only had about 75 minutes of classes today. But for some reason, I felt weary and moodless. And after making myself finish up at least one assignment, I kind of dragged myself out of that feeling. In all the breaks that I took in between completing my assignment, I did some soul-searching. A little stop and stare, if you like.

Soul-searching is a good thing. It's tiring and it takes effort. It's difficult and it makes you think - hard. But in the end, it's refreshing and it's invigorating. It helps you see things clearer and it's worth the work. Lately, I haven't been blogging much because I've been busy. That and I can't seem to think of what it is I want to say. But now there's something on my mind. After letting myself into my head and into my heart, I think I've got something to write about.

Whenever life throws something at us, we tend to go on the defense right away. In my case, I hide behind my shield and refuse to see or fight whatever it is on the other side of the shield. I choose to look at things in a worldly, negative way. It brings me down. My strength gets sapped away and I start to feel alone, as if I'm the only one in the whole world who feels this way. I wanna just curl up in bed and fall asleep, hoping and wishing that when I wake up, everything will just go away. But it's never that easy, innit? So I stay awake. I keep my eyes open and instead of looking at things around me, I start to realize what's actually wrong. It's me that's seeing things the wrong way.

Of course, I don't get to this point of thinking just like that. In an attempt to find someone to listen to me, I find myself listening to others. Isn't it strangely funny when you hear someone's problems, and your problems just fade instantly? It sets the crooked picture straight. Suddenly you see all your troubles the way they actually are: small. Buthen again, not all troubles are small. When they're your own, every trouble is big. But we can't use that excuse to say that what we're facing is something huge, 'cause we ourselves know whether or not it really is as big a deal as we make it out to be.

I find that I feel a whole lot better when I look inside me and then look outside. I set things in perspective in myself first, then I see life for what it really is. Then only can I look outside and evaluate what really matters. 'Cause people are hurting. They're in pain. They're troubled and confused and despaired. They smile and they put on a brave front, but that is their shield. It comes in many forms and it has varying looks, but it serves the same function. It defends them, but from what?

We all experience similar things. We all understand each other in ways we don't know. We all feel scared and alone at one point or another. We all want peace and happiness for always. We all want what we all want. 'Cause inside we all feel the same. And I don't know if we know that. The only way to get over that is to realize that we're all capable of helping each other, 'cause we all know how life makes us feel. In spite of all our strife and struggle to make it through on our own, we know that we can't do it alone. We weren't wired that way.

It's true to a certain extent that we enter the world alone and we leave it alone. But everything that happens in between, we owe it to ourselves to find a little company. We need help. We need support. Otherwise we’re in it by our self. Strangers, cut off from each other and we forget just how connected we all are. So instead we choose love. We choose life and for a moment we feel just a little bit less alone.

I'm (Always) Your Friend

All I did was mention a person's name. But it's funny how just the mere mention of that name made you almost, quite literally fall apart in front of me. Hearing you talk about what happened and how it made you feel and the times when you wanted to call me and do what you always do (cry on the phone and tell me what's wrong), I felt guilty. I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry I moved on and left everything else behind, including you.

Each of us have our own experiences in life. And all of that teaches us different things. Which explains why we have different mindsets and perspectives on the same things. As I listened to you talk about what you've learned, I wonder if I would wanna feel all you've felt and go through all you've gone through. And as you listened to me speak, I could sense a longing: you wanted to feel like I feel and go through what I've gone through.

But do you know what I've been through? Are you sure you want to feel like that? I find it strange and sad that we want what others have. Why do we look at other people and feel that they've got it so much better? Is it really better than what we have? We have what we have because we've been given it. No one's gonna be given what you've got. It's for you, and for you only. It's just as good as what I have. You just have to look, not see. What you have in your life is the best that you'll ever have right now. It's enough. Don't lose it and go chasing after what you think you want. Those things are waiting for you, but they're not meant for you now.

Here, I'll tell you a secret, so don't tell anyone, alright? The truth is, I'm not always OK. And I don't always have it all together. In fact, most of the time I'm not completely OK. And I'm often always just about to lose it. I am as complicated as you are. I am as scared as you are. I just don't tell anyone. Maybe I'm hardly around. Maybe I'm never around. We may not be as close as we used to be. We may not have ever been close at all. But when you need me, I will always, always have time for you. I can put all my complication and fear aside, and help you. 'Cause I'm your friend. And that's what I do.

So if you want what I have... you don't know what you're asking for. But if you want me to help you with what I have, then I'll do that. I'll say this again. I'm your friend... and this is what I do. :)

Today my dear little brother turns 16!

Once short, fair and fat, he is now tall, dark and handsome. Hahaha.

God bless always and I love you. :)

Happy Sweet Sixteen!

I Am A Kor-leij Student

Hello, dear readers! Forgive me for falling off the face of the blogging world for... what, two weeks? Haha. So anyway, I am now a kor-leij student. (Yes, I like spelling college like that. Haha.) At last, I've found the time to blog. I've been extremely busy with college. Got lots of work and assignments to do, and then there are the other non-academic activities. Oh, not to mention the fact that I have a lot on my mind and that sometimes (OK, most of the time) drives me crazy. Besides that, my schedule's pretty packed. Start at 8 and usually end at 4. By the time I get home, I'm all drained out. I hit the bed at 10 every night. Haha.

So anyway, I take the train to college everyday now. It's quite fun. Usually I'm half-asleep in the morning, so I have my 7 o'clock face. But when I take the train home, I'm pretty energetic. Lol. And I walk! Haha. *Nods nods* Amanda Hoi now walks on a regular - daily - basis, people. I'm really proud of myself. It's super tiring, but it's my only constant form of exercise for the first time in 17+ years. Haha. Buthen, I don't think I'm losing any weight 'cause I eat as much as I walk. You gotta blame that on the huge number of makan places surrounding Taylor's. I'm spoilt for choice everyday wei. It's like being a kid who visits Willy Wonka everyday. Lol.

Apart from that, I'm doing OK, I guess. College is tiring and fun but it's also frustrating and difficult. But that's what comes with change, right? Hehe. I'm trying my best to do what I can where I've been placed. School feels so far away now. I feel so disconnected from school life. And I miss some of my friends whom I haven't seen in forever. For example, Amelia Lee! Where are you, man? Haha. Because of how college separates me from dear friends who are either in other colleges or still in school at the moment, I'm so thankful that I still get to meet Jessica, Yoke Pei and Nette everyday.

In the same way that college makes it hard for me to meet certain friends, it makes it easier for me to meet other friends. Haha. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with a few other people, both old and new friends. Then there are friends who will be leaving the country soon. Like Mikey and Michy. T_T So sad lah. They're going Aussie. Down Under is stealing all my friends. Lol.

So yup, that's about all. I hope you're all keeping well and enjoying your school life, college life, working life or whatever-it-is-you're-doing-now life. Haha. God loves you! Until next time, tata.

P.S.: D'you know that song by Iyaz featuring Sean Kingston that goes like, "Shawty's like a melody in my head that I can't keep out, got me singin' like, na na na na everyday..."? I always thought that the next line says, "It's like my eyeball's stuck on replay." Y'day I found out that it was iPod and not eyeball. Hahaha.

Rewind and Play

I've been terribly free this week. And it feels terribly weird! For as long as I can remember, I've always been up and about, doing something, anything and occupying my time. I guess now that I'm out of school, there's nothing for me to do. I don't like it at all. I'm really not one who can stay still and do random stuff. At least from next week I'll have something to do, someplace to go, somewhere to be. Haha.

All the blogs that I read talk about school. Everyone seems so stressed and worried. Form 4s are deciding on what subjects to pick and getting used to the different subjects. Form 5s are regretting not studying enough in Form 4 and stressing over SPM. It kind of reminds me a little of me. So I'm rewinding and playing through my memories.

I know how hard it is making decisions and preparing for exams. I've been there. When it comes to making decisions, I didn't really make them. Those of you who know me would know how terribly fickle-minded I am. I can never decide. It doesn't matter what I'm deciding on. It could be something important or something as trivial as the colour of an umbrella. I hate it when I have choices to make. So when I think of being in Form 4 and having to choose the subjects, I don't think I actually did choose the subjects. I didn't drop any from the 10 core subjects and I took two extra subjects. I just wanted to try it out in Form 4. But when it came to Form 5 and I had to register for SPM, I had to pick which subjects I wanted. It was no surprise that I couldn't choose which subjects I wanted. So I kept on deciding. Even after I registered for SPM, I was still deciding. I couldn't come to a decision. Then trials came, and my time to decide was over. I didn't decide, which was why I ended up taking 12 subjects. Haha. It's terrible being like this. I hope that none of you are like me.

And about preparing for exams. Well, one thing I believe in is always giving it your best for every single exam and every single subject. Monthly or mid-year or final-year or major exams. They're all exams. And you should always work hard for every one of 'em. My friends always laughed at me when I studied for subjects like Civic and PJK. I know they're useless subjects, but they're subjects nonetheless. I have something to tell you. Although I studied for every exam that came my way, I was never one to get straight As. It was the same for PMR. I never got straight As for three years, only for PMR. Haha. Even in Form 4 and Form 5, I always fell short of a few As. Haha. But eventhough there were a number of subjects I was weak at, I still didn't drop them (see, I was still deciding although all signs said that I should drop them, haha). I always felt that if I worked hard enough, I could do it. So I stuck to it and did my best. I don't know what results I'll get, but I'll find out in March. Hehe.

While you're in school, you may feel that exams are everything. But I'm here to tell you they're not. They are one of the most important things to students. But not THE most important thing. I used to think that exams were everything. But in Form 4, I started to live a little more. The first three years of school, I was the kind of student who just went to school and did nothing significant. I go to school, fight with teachers (with Encik Yarha lah, but it was no biggie, haha), laugh with friends, do SOME of my homework (lol, XD), go back home. In Form 4, that changed. I don't know why it did and I don't know how it did, but it did. I got involved in activities, clubs, competitions. I started to realize there was more to school than just school. And for those of you who are still in school, I don't know if you've realized that, but I want you to realize that. There is more to school than just school.

School is not about sucky teachers or dumb subjects or illogical rules. It has all those, for sure. But that's not what it's about. And school is not just some building you have to go to for a certain number of years so that you can get out of it and get on with life. I've found out that school is an experience. What you learn there is something you'll never learn anywhere else. Not in college and not in university. You'll learn other things there. It's important to always have your studies in front of you. But don't turn into such a nerd that you miss everything else that you could experience. And I'm talking about the silly and naughty stuff too. Some of you might not believe it, but I wasn't a goody-two-shoes student. I had a problem with authority. Lol. I fought with teachers, I had a profound dislike of prefects, I didn't do my homework, I used liquid paper (and got mine confiscated three times) and I always, always cut class. Haha. Yeah, these may be little things. But my point is, I broke the rules. Haha. But that's what made school fun for me too. I remember clearly fighting with Encik Yarha twice in Form 1 and being asked to stand up during assembly in Form 2. At first, I thought they were bad things. But in retrospect, everything is funnier and cooler. You can laugh at anything if you're standing far enough away. And I'm far enough away. =)

Then there's all the good stuff too. I don't know what you're good at. But I know, without a doubt, that there is something you're good at. You have a talent in something, somewhere. Maybe you know what it is or maybe you don't know yet. But in school is where you'll find out, if you take the initiative to find out. I'm sure you know what you like. I knew what I liked. Which is why I got myself into the kind of activities that had to do with what I liked. Most people would know that I'm not a sporty person. If you make me run 100 meters, you'd better be prepared to take responsibility if I faint halfway. I could get body aches and muscle cramps just by the slightest physical activity. Haha. I am, figuratively speaking, 80 years old. No kidding. Lol. So don't waste your time thinking of school as a waste of time. Do what you like, do what you love.

Another thing I want to say is that SPM is not hard but it's not easy. It's just... SPM. You never know how it's gonna be. It might be hard one year and easy the next. And then again, it might be hard for you but easy for someone else. You can't put a finger on the difficulty of this major exam. It is what it is. So right now, when you know it's in front of you, you'll think it's hard and you can't get pass it. But you can and you will. And I know. 'Cause it's behind me now. I got pass it. I thought I couldn't and I thought I wouldn't, but I did. I worried and I stressed just like you now, and I never stopped worrying and stressing right up till SPM. But throughout the year, I realized that that emotional rollercoaster I put myself on was my own doing. I could choose to get off anytime. And I did get off it, but I got back on and I got off again and got back on again. It was just a routine I repeated throughout the year. It was tiring and terrifying. But I don't regret it. The only way to stop all your dreading is to be here right now, just as you are. It's only January! What you're dreading is a year away or two years away if you're in Form 4. So spend today doing something about it, not dreading it.

I never understood why people wanted to get out of school quickly. I didn't get why they hated school so much and couldn't wait to get into college or start to work or whatever their next step was. I thought about it a bit. And I think I know why. I guess they didn't realize that there's more to school than just school. Just as I don't understand people who don't like school, people don't understand why I love school. I guess they don't know that I realized that there's more to school than just school. =]

As I finish writing this out, it reminds me that I'm gonna face the same things as I start college next week. What's same is that it's gonna be different, but what's gonna change is the kind of difference it brings. D'you get me? So this post is for me as much as it is for you, whoever you are. =)

Just Enough Light

This morning was the first church service of the year 2010. I had only gone to sleep at about half past one the night before. So as I sat in between Jo and Jerry, I was practically dozing off. As I tried to keep my mind awake and alert, one of the uncles stood up and shared. He said that as this new year begins, we don't know whether it's going to be a better year or a worse one. We don't know if our health will improve or if we will suddenly be hit by a sickness. We don't know if we'll get to pursue the course of our choice. We don't know if our studies will bring about good results. We don't know what we don't know, and what we don't know is everything, so basically we don't know anything.

It's only been three days that we've crossed over to a new year. Tomorrow, school reopens. But not for me. I won't be going back to school this year, or any of the years after this. And it feels unusual. I'm not used to it yet. I'm out of school. And I'm getting into college soon enough. It's an all-new environment with new people and new challenges.

As I think about what I heard this morning, I am reminded once again of the fact that I am leaving all the comfort and certainty I have experienced and enjoyed for the past 11 years of my life. I'm stepping out into the unknown, into the darkness. And do you wanna know how I feel? Can I tell you a secret? I'm scared. I am dead scared. But there's just something about fear and the unknown. I'm drawn to it. I love to experiment and experience. I wanna let the fear overwhelm me and then learn to overcome it. I wanna throw myself headfirst into the unknown and make it known.

But what I'm most excited about is what treasures I will find in the darkness. Sometimes I lose my way. As I worry myself about seeing and understanding all that the future holds, I forget that there is one thing that I know about my future. It is that You are in it. Everything else I don't know. Everything else I don't understand. But one thing I know: You are in that darkness and You are in that unknown. With You there, I have nothing to fear or worry about or fret over.

When I'm grappling in the darkness, I search for a light. There are different kinds of light that I encounter. Light that comes from friends, light that comes from family, light that comes from achievements and success, light that comes from material things. But these lights are unreliable. They go out. Only one light is totally reliable and can never be put out: the light that comes from God. The light that is God. Being a child of God, I have a light in me. It is one that shines for all eternity and is never extinguished. The darker the place I am in, the brighter that light in me shines.

It doesn't matter what age you are or what you're going through or have been through. A new year is always frightening. It is filled with surprises and the unexpected. You don't know what you're going to face. You hope for the best and oftentimes, you're unprepared for the worst. I am learning to trust in God. I have many questions. But I don't have any answers. And I think I can live without them. I don't need light to see the rest of 2010. I only need light to see what is right before me.

"For You will light my lamp; the Lord my GOD will enlighten my darkness." Psalm 18:28

Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

I don't know you that well yet. You're still a stranger to me. But I know I'll get to know you better.

You're a big year, aren't you? The year of change and transitions. I don't know what you'll do to me. I don't know what kind of person I'll be at the end of you. I have no clue what's going to happen. But you know, don't you? You've got everything ready for me. It's only a matter of time. You've got feelings for me to explore and parts of me to discover. More pain, more hurt, more joy, more love equals more life.

You've got people for me to meet, things for me to do, places for me to go. I'm sure you're really excited to show me everything you've got in store for me. But if I may say, please don't go too fast. I'm not sure I can keep up. Throw new things at me, I'm ready. But start off slow, then you can speed up. And I'll catch on. Just don't pass me by in a blur. Whatever it is you have for me, I know it's gonna be filled with choices and decisions. I hope I make the right ones. I hope I meet the right people, do the right things, go to the right places. But if - when - I slip up, don't give up on me, OK? Let me learn and teach me. I'm ready to make mistakes.

I don't know who I'm going to lose, 'cause I will, won't I? I hope I don't lose myself, either. I don't want to turn - for the worse - into a completely different person. I always hear people saying that where I'm going is totally different from the life I'm accustomed to. They say I'm heading out into the real world. And I hear that it's scary and it's big. I'm small and have no idea what to expect. But I'm not scared. Maybe 'cause I don't know what's out there. Ignorance is bliss, no? =D

I promise you one thing: I'll fight on no matter what you throw at me. You can hit me and make me fall, but I promise you I will get back up. I've got hope in my heart. It burns with a flame you can't put out. Sometimes the flame is weak, but it's there, it's always there. Well, I'm ready to meet you. Just one more thing, be nice to me. I hope we'll be the best of friends. =)

Love,
Me

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

You've been amazing. I don't think I can thank you enough for being such a wonderful year.

I'll always remember you for the people you've brought into my life. New ones and old ones. Even until the last few days of the year, you let me meet people: those that I knew and those that I have never seen in my entire life. You've really piled on surprises on me, haven't you? I guess you must feel pretty good about yourself. Haha.

And all the things you let me experience! I didn't know you had so much prepared for me. Just waiting for me to reach them. You threw so many things at me. Right from the start, you got me into all kinds of things. I thought I couldn't do it, but as is always the case with me, I went ahead with it anyway. I took on challenges I wasn't sure I was even cut out for. But you knew I was ready. You knew I needed the challenges and you knew that I would come out from it even better than before. My tears turned to joy. My stress turned to a smile. =)

You gave me so many good things. One after another, you never stopped giving. They made me appreciate you even more. Some of them started out bad, but in retrospect, they were good things. You made me grow. You stretched me and pulled me and pushed me. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't go any further, that I reached my limit. But you wouldn't listen. You said that I could go further and I still had a long way to go before I reached my limit. And you were right.

One thing I still don't understand is why you had to come and go in a hurry. Were you in a rush? Didn't you wanna hang around? Now your time is up. But you've used your time well. Again, I thank you. I'll miss you.

Love,
Me

New Year's Eve

I woke up this morning to the last day of 2009. And I didn't think about that. Maybe 'cause my mind was so occupied with the three dreams I had last night. Or maybe 'cause my body ache was still around and it was, obviously, aching. Or maybe it was both.

So only now I'm thinking about it. The years before this, I was always filled with a tinge of sadness when it came to the last day of the year. I was always terribly reluctant to let go of the year, thinking that I could actually hold on to it. Ever tried getting a grasp on time? It's impossible. If you tried, you'd end up feeling hopeless. Instead, you should let it take you over. Let time play its game.

How will you spend your last day of 2009? So far, my schedule looks pretty interesting. I have to clean up my room and pack school books. Yup. I am excited. Haha. But apart from that, usually I spend every New Year's Eve in church, for watchnight service. I'm not really one for countdown parties and the sort. I don't understand why anyone would want to be in a crowded place and scream 10 to 0 and then party the night away. After that, you leave for home with a bad headache and feeling a little bit disoriented. I mean, that moment when 2009 turns to 2010, it's s'posed to hold meaning. I'd rather sit quietly and deliberate on all 2009 was to me and look ahead to 2010. I don't wanna miss the moment the clock ticks 12 midnight by dancing and jumping with a bunch of strangers.

I'm thankful that I went to camp after Christmas. I didn't want to end the year without gaining a new perspective on my life in God's sight. So when I was in camp, God shifted my view to be aligned to His view. I guess I didn't realize that my path was a little crooked. But now I do. I don't know exactly what I have to do. I don't know exactly how I have to do it. But right now I'm just thankful that I know I have to do something.

I guess when a year ends and another begins, it's not really a closing of a chapter of your life and starting a new one. Sometimes it feels that way. But it's actually a continuation. Life isn't filled with stops and gos. It goes on. A part of your life overlaps with another which overlaps with another.

This day feels just like any other normal day. I guess it doesn't know that it's the last day of the year. It doesn't know that it's New Year's Eve. But I know, and you know. So let's make it special. Whatever it is you plan to do as 2009 turns to 2010, make it a little more than just another day.

Hello from Singapore

Hello from Singapore! Haha. I am now blogging from Ko Jeremy's laptop. This is the first time I'm blogging from outside Malaysia. Cool cool. Lol.

So the trip was pretty fast. Although it took like, five hours, it didn't feel that long. Oh, and there was this woman who was in the bus. She was so, so talkative. And she spoke extremely loudly too. I felt like throwing my phone at her. Seriously. Haha. The weirdest thing is that, she came on the bus alone lah, but she started talking to this man, who was with his wife, and the entire time, the man totally ignored his wife 'cause the other woman was going on and on about anything and everything. They were all in their fifties, I think.

I've only been here for several hours. But I've already got around to some shopping. Haha. It is the main thing that I'm gonna do here anyway. So I bought a pair of yellow Nikes. *Grins* Ah. Yellow makes me happy. Now that I've got a brand new pair of shoes, I should start exercising. Haha. Although I always say that I'll never exercise, a small part of me is secretly afraid that I will develop diseases and health problems before I actually become old. Lol. I'm planning to make Wei Shern or Michael take me exercising. 'Cause they're the only ones who actually go to the gym and run and do, ya know, healthy stuff. Ooh, and my dearest brother, Jo. Hehe.

Jo and my sister, Michelle are playing Guitar Hero now. Oh my, Jo sucks. Hahaha. OK lah. I'll tell you more about my Singapore trip tomorrow or something. When I've actually gone out and about. Hehe. Aight. Back to IM-ing Mikey. Buhbye.

Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.

Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is a serious disease which can lead to congestive heart failure.

- The Big Bang Theory, Season 3

Now I know why I woke up with the word "cardiomyopathy" on my mind. Haha. And I must say, The Grinch is my all-time favourite Christmas movie. =D

The Gift

Christmas is coming - again. Are you excited? Is it your favourite festival of the year? It is for me. There's just something about Christmas, innit. It could be the lights, the (non-existent on this side of the globe) snow, the gifts, the food, the songs. Whatever it is, there's just something that makes Christmas so different from every other festival that mankind celebrates throughout the year.

Every year, I am always faced with the question of "What is Christmas?" And I haven't actually thought about it - until today. I was sitting in church paying half attention to the speaker. My mind was flitting in and out of the hall. But the speaker started talking about how one would show Christmas kindness and to whom. The obvious answers were to orphans and old folks. What do you give them? Food to eat, clothes to wear, toys to play. Simple enough, no? And then he asked us if these things are really what they want. The honest answer is no, it's not. What they want is not material things or daily necessities. What they want is love and family.

The speaker had mentioned something about gifts. When I actually think about it, I can't remember what I got last Christmas or the Christmas before last. And quite frankly, if I can't remember it, I sure don't know where it is right now. The gifts that we get mean something to us when we get it. But after that, it just gets misplaced or unused. What we place value on today may lose all value tomorrow. I may think that I want this thing and I need it, for whatever reason. But if I were to be absolutely honest with myself, I don't really need it. I just want it. And if I were to really look at what I have, I would realize that I have more than enough. I just need to learn to be content and know the difference between what I want and what I need.

And then there are gifts that you get for people. What is a gift, really? It's an expression of your love, as I heard today. It shows that you care for someone enough to take the time and effort to buy them something, and not just anything, but something that you've given a lot of thought to. I think of all the gifts that I could give the people I love. And you could buy so many things. But I doubt they will need any of them. Only the world makes it seem as if we need to have this or that.

But there is one gift that is always there for the taking every year. It's THE gift. The one that everyone needs (although not everyone realizes it), the one that lasts, the one that you won't misplace or leave unused. Christmas is not about stuffed turkeys, mince pies, carols, Santa Claus, presents and whatever else you may associate with it. It is a time for people to stop and look back on the year. It makes you think of what you've done in the past year and ultimately, what you're doing in life. For some, it's a time to find THE gift. For others, it's a time to remember what makes the gift THE gift. Do you have it? It's there for the taking. Open it, unwrap it, take it.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

"To see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and what I'm trying to say is, I think I love you. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

- Stardust

To Dare, To Risk, To Chance

Ah! I haven't been posting as much as I did in November. Haha. Oh no. I don't wanna lose my serial blogger streak. So here I am, trying to think of what I want to say. I'm sitting in front of the monitor and wondering what thoughts are going to flow out of my head. This is exciting. Lol. Just sitting and waiting.

*

OK. Let's ask some questions. Have you taken any risks in life? Any chances? Do something crazy or well, maybe not crazy, just something you wouldn't usually do? To me, taking a risk is doing something you wouldn't do. It's something that gives you a rush and makes you feel alive.

It can range from the weirdest and extreme things to the simple and complex decisions we need to make everyday. I've eaten a cricket skewered on a stick. I've bungee jumped straight into a lake. I've danced my heart away in front of a crowd although it made me look demented. I've walked in the rain without an umbrella and ran the risk of inducing the failure of my weak immune system. Those are weird and extreme. And then there are the other risks you take. Deciding what to do with your life after school. Contemplating whether or not you should give your heart to this one person. Letting your feelings unravel in front of people. Taking up a challenge you're not sure you're cut out for. And one other thing for me, choosing what to eat. Lol.

Taking chances is a scary thing. 'Cause it puts you out of your comfort zone. A part of you wants to stay safe and secure. The other part of you is excited and longing to know what will happen if you take that chance. The feeling that you get when you take a risk is very much like bungee jumping. When I went bungee jumping, they brought me high, high up. From that point I could see above everything else. My arms are open wide, ready to grab the air as I fall. Then I took the plunge and fell straight down. It was so exhilarating that I couldn't even find my voice in order to scream. Then I start swinging like a pendulum and everything's upside down. Haha. But I see everything right side up again.

It's a wonderful thing when you take a risk. And the kind of risks I'm talking about is when you're following your heart. It's scary at first, but it always turns out OK. When the risks you take are ones that you are motivated by with all your heart, then you will not regret it. Because the risks and the chances that you take make you who you want to be. If you don't take the risk, you'll always wonder and feel like you should've done this or that. The saddest sentences always start with, "If only... "

Risks open up a world of possibility. Just like when I stood high above the world with my arms wide open, so when I take a risk, I stand above the world of possibility with my arms wide open. It gives me hope and belief. And that's what we all need, isn't it? So often we are held back by what we think are our limitations. But these limitations are imaginary. They are only in your head. And they have a name: fear. What you ought to listen to is in your heart. There is something big in you waiting to happen. And only when you believe that you can do everything you want to do and be everything you want to be, then the time will come. Each and every one of your dreams will come true one day.

To dare, to risk, to chance is to lose your footing momentarily. It is to hang in the balance only by a thread. It is to jump into the deep end knowing that you have small lungs, like me. Lol. It is to throw yourself off a cliff when you only have a rough idea of how to fly. But to dare, to risk, to chance is most of all, to live.

The Little Prince

Just wanted to share some of my favourite quotes from a beloved book, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

I did not really know what to say. I felt like a blundering idiot. I did not know how to reach him, where to catch up with him. It is such a secret place, the land of tears.

It is lonely when you're among people, too.

To me, you are still only a small boy and I have no need of you. And you in turn have no need of me. To you, I'm just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you shall be unique in the world. To you, I shall be unique in the world.

There is no shop where friends can be bought, so people no longer have friends. If you want a friend, tame me. You have to be very patient. First, you will sit down a short distance away from me. I shall watch you and you will say nothing; words are the source of misunderstandings. But each day you may sit a little closer to me.

Happiness has its price.

You are nothing like my rose. As yet you are nothing at all. You are beautiful but you are empty. One could not die for you. My rose, in herself, matters more than all of you together.

Now here is my secret: you can only see things clearly with your heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.

It is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes your rose so important.

What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it is hiding a well.

When you have got over your loss (for we always do), you'll be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend.

Some of the Best Days of My Life

I'm back from Port Dickson! Can't believe that I've finished my SPM and returned from a holiday - in this one week alone. I'm missing the place already. But everything has to end. Especially holidays. Haha. So anyway, I had a smashing time! It was hands down the best holiday I have ever had. Hehe. Let me tell you all about it, aight?

We left at about 10.30. Dad took the coastal road so we got to see a lot of small towns and plantations. Pretty cool. Hehe. And of course, since our heads were still full of what we studied for SPM, we were talking about mirages and pneumatophores. What bugsies. Lol. Reached Avillion at about 2. The place looked beyond awesome. Me and Nette were all, "Whoa!" Haha. The first chalet we got didn't even have a proper view of the sea and it wasn't even out to sea. So we decided to upgrade to the premium water chalet. They gave us the one right next to Avi Spa and was furthest out to sea. So that one was really nice.

The first day itself we did a lot. Explored the resort and then at night we went to The Galley, a bar. Hung out there for quite awhile before spending a few hours at the beach. I had a great time just talking and sharing with Jessica, Nette and Yoke Pei. Oh, how I love them. =)

When we headed back to the chalet, guess what happened? A lizard almost fell on my head when I went to open the door. It only just barely missed me. Haha. Then when I entered the chalet, I found a cockroach in the toilet. Screamed and ran out to the room. Me and Nette tried to kill it with a glass of hot water and an umbrella. Lol. They were the only weapons we could think of using at the time. It didn't work so we had to run out of the toilet and rethink our plan. Haha. That's when I saw the cockroach come out into the room and I started pointing and screaming. And the other three ran so fast to the other side of the room! Hahaha. My first instinct was to run too, but if I did, then the cockroach would still be alive. So I wore my Crocs and started stamping the cockroach to death. After that, I was literally shaking wei. Usually I kill cockroaches with aerosol spray. Haha.

The next day we were out at the beach. Went kayaking. It was my first time but I daresay I was pretty good at it. I paired with Nette and we were such a team! Hehe. Left, right, left, right, straight ahead... Haha. The other two were going around in circles. Lol. That night, we went for dinner at Crow's Nest restaurant in the resort. Later, we headed to the beach and spent about two hours there with the guitar. Then we had a midnight swim. Me and Nette left for the chalet to bathe first whilst the other two continued to swim. But there were no towels, so me and Nette just walked back. It was so, so cold! The wind was so strong. And when we entered the chalet, the air cond and fan were on at full blast so it was even colder than outside. Then Nette went to bathe while I stood outside wrapped in a towel and dripping wet. Haha. After that I went to get the other two and brought 'em their towels. Then that night Jessica did some sand thingy for all of us. Very cool. Hehe. Nette and Pei urut my arms cause they were aching so much from kayaking.

And so quickly, the final day came. We had breakfast and then me, Nette and Pei went to the animal farm. I'd been wanting to go since I found out Avillion had an animal farm. So I was really psyched when I got to go. They had rabbits, peacocks, guinea pigs, chickens, roosters and tortoises. I fed the rabbits and chickens, and a rooster perched on my arm! I was like a madly happy kid who had been let loose into a toy store and allowed to get whatever she wanted. XD The animal farm really made my day. After that, we checked out at 12 and said goodbye to Avillion. =(

1, 2, 3... Haha

Look at my hair! Haha.

Randall Jack aku yang tersayang XD

Calcium carbonate!

Love Nette's face, haha

I'm sunburnt and sleepy, Pei is just posing =P

Junior the rooster

My fave one-week-old rabbit

We'll come back and stay in Room 609 again, yes? =)

My three days at Avillion were really amazing. Firstly, I had an absolutely smashing time with three people that I love with all my heart. It's so cool that we got the opportunity to spend three days together alone. Hehe. We got closer - if that's at all possible, considering how close we already are =] - over those three days. Other than that, I've never really gotten a chance to be close to nature. But staying in Port Dickson was a first-hand encounter with nature. The sound of the waves and the myriad noises that come from the many insects were soothing and calming. It rocked me to sleep. I see Your handiwork in the stars, the sun, the sky, the sea. And I see Your handiwork in the three very special people that I spent the last three days with. Thank You for giving me the chance to take time away and behold Your creation in all its glory. But teach me also to see Your creation in my daily life. It doesn't matter where I am. Everything I see comes from You. I love You for taking me on this holiday, because these were some of the best days of my life. =]