I'm (Always) Your Friend

All I did was mention a person's name. But it's funny how just the mere mention of that name made you almost, quite literally fall apart in front of me. Hearing you talk about what happened and how it made you feel and the times when you wanted to call me and do what you always do (cry on the phone and tell me what's wrong), I felt guilty. I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry I moved on and left everything else behind, including you.

Each of us have our own experiences in life. And all of that teaches us different things. Which explains why we have different mindsets and perspectives on the same things. As I listened to you talk about what you've learned, I wonder if I would wanna feel all you've felt and go through all you've gone through. And as you listened to me speak, I could sense a longing: you wanted to feel like I feel and go through what I've gone through.

But do you know what I've been through? Are you sure you want to feel like that? I find it strange and sad that we want what others have. Why do we look at other people and feel that they've got it so much better? Is it really better than what we have? We have what we have because we've been given it. No one's gonna be given what you've got. It's for you, and for you only. It's just as good as what I have. You just have to look, not see. What you have in your life is the best that you'll ever have right now. It's enough. Don't lose it and go chasing after what you think you want. Those things are waiting for you, but they're not meant for you now.

Here, I'll tell you a secret, so don't tell anyone, alright? The truth is, I'm not always OK. And I don't always have it all together. In fact, most of the time I'm not completely OK. And I'm often always just about to lose it. I am as complicated as you are. I am as scared as you are. I just don't tell anyone. Maybe I'm hardly around. Maybe I'm never around. We may not be as close as we used to be. We may not have ever been close at all. But when you need me, I will always, always have time for you. I can put all my complication and fear aside, and help you. 'Cause I'm your friend. And that's what I do.

So if you want what I have... you don't know what you're asking for. But if you want me to help you with what I have, then I'll do that. I'll say this again. I'm your friend... and this is what I do. :)

Today my dear little brother turns 16!

Once short, fair and fat, he is now tall, dark and handsome. Hahaha.

God bless always and I love you. :)

Happy Sweet Sixteen!

I Am A Kor-leij Student

Hello, dear readers! Forgive me for falling off the face of the blogging world for... what, two weeks? Haha. So anyway, I am now a kor-leij student. (Yes, I like spelling college like that. Haha.) At last, I've found the time to blog. I've been extremely busy with college. Got lots of work and assignments to do, and then there are the other non-academic activities. Oh, not to mention the fact that I have a lot on my mind and that sometimes (OK, most of the time) drives me crazy. Besides that, my schedule's pretty packed. Start at 8 and usually end at 4. By the time I get home, I'm all drained out. I hit the bed at 10 every night. Haha.

So anyway, I take the train to college everyday now. It's quite fun. Usually I'm half-asleep in the morning, so I have my 7 o'clock face. But when I take the train home, I'm pretty energetic. Lol. And I walk! Haha. *Nods nods* Amanda Hoi now walks on a regular - daily - basis, people. I'm really proud of myself. It's super tiring, but it's my only constant form of exercise for the first time in 17+ years. Haha. Buthen, I don't think I'm losing any weight 'cause I eat as much as I walk. You gotta blame that on the huge number of makan places surrounding Taylor's. I'm spoilt for choice everyday wei. It's like being a kid who visits Willy Wonka everyday. Lol.

Apart from that, I'm doing OK, I guess. College is tiring and fun but it's also frustrating and difficult. But that's what comes with change, right? Hehe. I'm trying my best to do what I can where I've been placed. School feels so far away now. I feel so disconnected from school life. And I miss some of my friends whom I haven't seen in forever. For example, Amelia Lee! Where are you, man? Haha. Because of how college separates me from dear friends who are either in other colleges or still in school at the moment, I'm so thankful that I still get to meet Jessica, Yoke Pei and Nette everyday.

In the same way that college makes it hard for me to meet certain friends, it makes it easier for me to meet other friends. Haha. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with a few other people, both old and new friends. Then there are friends who will be leaving the country soon. Like Mikey and Michy. T_T So sad lah. They're going Aussie. Down Under is stealing all my friends. Lol.

So yup, that's about all. I hope you're all keeping well and enjoying your school life, college life, working life or whatever-it-is-you're-doing-now life. Haha. God loves you! Until next time, tata.

P.S.: D'you know that song by Iyaz featuring Sean Kingston that goes like, "Shawty's like a melody in my head that I can't keep out, got me singin' like, na na na na everyday..."? I always thought that the next line says, "It's like my eyeball's stuck on replay." Y'day I found out that it was iPod and not eyeball. Hahaha.

Rewind and Play

I've been terribly free this week. And it feels terribly weird! For as long as I can remember, I've always been up and about, doing something, anything and occupying my time. I guess now that I'm out of school, there's nothing for me to do. I don't like it at all. I'm really not one who can stay still and do random stuff. At least from next week I'll have something to do, someplace to go, somewhere to be. Haha.

All the blogs that I read talk about school. Everyone seems so stressed and worried. Form 4s are deciding on what subjects to pick and getting used to the different subjects. Form 5s are regretting not studying enough in Form 4 and stressing over SPM. It kind of reminds me a little of me. So I'm rewinding and playing through my memories.

I know how hard it is making decisions and preparing for exams. I've been there. When it comes to making decisions, I didn't really make them. Those of you who know me would know how terribly fickle-minded I am. I can never decide. It doesn't matter what I'm deciding on. It could be something important or something as trivial as the colour of an umbrella. I hate it when I have choices to make. So when I think of being in Form 4 and having to choose the subjects, I don't think I actually did choose the subjects. I didn't drop any from the 10 core subjects and I took two extra subjects. I just wanted to try it out in Form 4. But when it came to Form 5 and I had to register for SPM, I had to pick which subjects I wanted. It was no surprise that I couldn't choose which subjects I wanted. So I kept on deciding. Even after I registered for SPM, I was still deciding. I couldn't come to a decision. Then trials came, and my time to decide was over. I didn't decide, which was why I ended up taking 12 subjects. Haha. It's terrible being like this. I hope that none of you are like me.

And about preparing for exams. Well, one thing I believe in is always giving it your best for every single exam and every single subject. Monthly or mid-year or final-year or major exams. They're all exams. And you should always work hard for every one of 'em. My friends always laughed at me when I studied for subjects like Civic and PJK. I know they're useless subjects, but they're subjects nonetheless. I have something to tell you. Although I studied for every exam that came my way, I was never one to get straight As. It was the same for PMR. I never got straight As for three years, only for PMR. Haha. Even in Form 4 and Form 5, I always fell short of a few As. Haha. But eventhough there were a number of subjects I was weak at, I still didn't drop them (see, I was still deciding although all signs said that I should drop them, haha). I always felt that if I worked hard enough, I could do it. So I stuck to it and did my best. I don't know what results I'll get, but I'll find out in March. Hehe.

While you're in school, you may feel that exams are everything. But I'm here to tell you they're not. They are one of the most important things to students. But not THE most important thing. I used to think that exams were everything. But in Form 4, I started to live a little more. The first three years of school, I was the kind of student who just went to school and did nothing significant. I go to school, fight with teachers (with Encik Yarha lah, but it was no biggie, haha), laugh with friends, do SOME of my homework (lol, XD), go back home. In Form 4, that changed. I don't know why it did and I don't know how it did, but it did. I got involved in activities, clubs, competitions. I started to realize there was more to school than just school. And for those of you who are still in school, I don't know if you've realized that, but I want you to realize that. There is more to school than just school.

School is not about sucky teachers or dumb subjects or illogical rules. It has all those, for sure. But that's not what it's about. And school is not just some building you have to go to for a certain number of years so that you can get out of it and get on with life. I've found out that school is an experience. What you learn there is something you'll never learn anywhere else. Not in college and not in university. You'll learn other things there. It's important to always have your studies in front of you. But don't turn into such a nerd that you miss everything else that you could experience. And I'm talking about the silly and naughty stuff too. Some of you might not believe it, but I wasn't a goody-two-shoes student. I had a problem with authority. Lol. I fought with teachers, I had a profound dislike of prefects, I didn't do my homework, I used liquid paper (and got mine confiscated three times) and I always, always cut class. Haha. Yeah, these may be little things. But my point is, I broke the rules. Haha. But that's what made school fun for me too. I remember clearly fighting with Encik Yarha twice in Form 1 and being asked to stand up during assembly in Form 2. At first, I thought they were bad things. But in retrospect, everything is funnier and cooler. You can laugh at anything if you're standing far enough away. And I'm far enough away. =)

Then there's all the good stuff too. I don't know what you're good at. But I know, without a doubt, that there is something you're good at. You have a talent in something, somewhere. Maybe you know what it is or maybe you don't know yet. But in school is where you'll find out, if you take the initiative to find out. I'm sure you know what you like. I knew what I liked. Which is why I got myself into the kind of activities that had to do with what I liked. Most people would know that I'm not a sporty person. If you make me run 100 meters, you'd better be prepared to take responsibility if I faint halfway. I could get body aches and muscle cramps just by the slightest physical activity. Haha. I am, figuratively speaking, 80 years old. No kidding. Lol. So don't waste your time thinking of school as a waste of time. Do what you like, do what you love.

Another thing I want to say is that SPM is not hard but it's not easy. It's just... SPM. You never know how it's gonna be. It might be hard one year and easy the next. And then again, it might be hard for you but easy for someone else. You can't put a finger on the difficulty of this major exam. It is what it is. So right now, when you know it's in front of you, you'll think it's hard and you can't get pass it. But you can and you will. And I know. 'Cause it's behind me now. I got pass it. I thought I couldn't and I thought I wouldn't, but I did. I worried and I stressed just like you now, and I never stopped worrying and stressing right up till SPM. But throughout the year, I realized that that emotional rollercoaster I put myself on was my own doing. I could choose to get off anytime. And I did get off it, but I got back on and I got off again and got back on again. It was just a routine I repeated throughout the year. It was tiring and terrifying. But I don't regret it. The only way to stop all your dreading is to be here right now, just as you are. It's only January! What you're dreading is a year away or two years away if you're in Form 4. So spend today doing something about it, not dreading it.

I never understood why people wanted to get out of school quickly. I didn't get why they hated school so much and couldn't wait to get into college or start to work or whatever their next step was. I thought about it a bit. And I think I know why. I guess they didn't realize that there's more to school than just school. Just as I don't understand people who don't like school, people don't understand why I love school. I guess they don't know that I realized that there's more to school than just school. =]

As I finish writing this out, it reminds me that I'm gonna face the same things as I start college next week. What's same is that it's gonna be different, but what's gonna change is the kind of difference it brings. D'you get me? So this post is for me as much as it is for you, whoever you are. =)

Just Enough Light

This morning was the first church service of the year 2010. I had only gone to sleep at about half past one the night before. So as I sat in between Jo and Jerry, I was practically dozing off. As I tried to keep my mind awake and alert, one of the uncles stood up and shared. He said that as this new year begins, we don't know whether it's going to be a better year or a worse one. We don't know if our health will improve or if we will suddenly be hit by a sickness. We don't know if we'll get to pursue the course of our choice. We don't know if our studies will bring about good results. We don't know what we don't know, and what we don't know is everything, so basically we don't know anything.

It's only been three days that we've crossed over to a new year. Tomorrow, school reopens. But not for me. I won't be going back to school this year, or any of the years after this. And it feels unusual. I'm not used to it yet. I'm out of school. And I'm getting into college soon enough. It's an all-new environment with new people and new challenges.

As I think about what I heard this morning, I am reminded once again of the fact that I am leaving all the comfort and certainty I have experienced and enjoyed for the past 11 years of my life. I'm stepping out into the unknown, into the darkness. And do you wanna know how I feel? Can I tell you a secret? I'm scared. I am dead scared. But there's just something about fear and the unknown. I'm drawn to it. I love to experiment and experience. I wanna let the fear overwhelm me and then learn to overcome it. I wanna throw myself headfirst into the unknown and make it known.

But what I'm most excited about is what treasures I will find in the darkness. Sometimes I lose my way. As I worry myself about seeing and understanding all that the future holds, I forget that there is one thing that I know about my future. It is that You are in it. Everything else I don't know. Everything else I don't understand. But one thing I know: You are in that darkness and You are in that unknown. With You there, I have nothing to fear or worry about or fret over.

When I'm grappling in the darkness, I search for a light. There are different kinds of light that I encounter. Light that comes from friends, light that comes from family, light that comes from achievements and success, light that comes from material things. But these lights are unreliable. They go out. Only one light is totally reliable and can never be put out: the light that comes from God. The light that is God. Being a child of God, I have a light in me. It is one that shines for all eternity and is never extinguished. The darker the place I am in, the brighter that light in me shines.

It doesn't matter what age you are or what you're going through or have been through. A new year is always frightening. It is filled with surprises and the unexpected. You don't know what you're going to face. You hope for the best and oftentimes, you're unprepared for the worst. I am learning to trust in God. I have many questions. But I don't have any answers. And I think I can live without them. I don't need light to see the rest of 2010. I only need light to see what is right before me.

"For You will light my lamp; the Lord my GOD will enlighten my darkness." Psalm 18:28

Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

I don't know you that well yet. You're still a stranger to me. But I know I'll get to know you better.

You're a big year, aren't you? The year of change and transitions. I don't know what you'll do to me. I don't know what kind of person I'll be at the end of you. I have no clue what's going to happen. But you know, don't you? You've got everything ready for me. It's only a matter of time. You've got feelings for me to explore and parts of me to discover. More pain, more hurt, more joy, more love equals more life.

You've got people for me to meet, things for me to do, places for me to go. I'm sure you're really excited to show me everything you've got in store for me. But if I may say, please don't go too fast. I'm not sure I can keep up. Throw new things at me, I'm ready. But start off slow, then you can speed up. And I'll catch on. Just don't pass me by in a blur. Whatever it is you have for me, I know it's gonna be filled with choices and decisions. I hope I make the right ones. I hope I meet the right people, do the right things, go to the right places. But if - when - I slip up, don't give up on me, OK? Let me learn and teach me. I'm ready to make mistakes.

I don't know who I'm going to lose, 'cause I will, won't I? I hope I don't lose myself, either. I don't want to turn - for the worse - into a completely different person. I always hear people saying that where I'm going is totally different from the life I'm accustomed to. They say I'm heading out into the real world. And I hear that it's scary and it's big. I'm small and have no idea what to expect. But I'm not scared. Maybe 'cause I don't know what's out there. Ignorance is bliss, no? =D

I promise you one thing: I'll fight on no matter what you throw at me. You can hit me and make me fall, but I promise you I will get back up. I've got hope in my heart. It burns with a flame you can't put out. Sometimes the flame is weak, but it's there, it's always there. Well, I'm ready to meet you. Just one more thing, be nice to me. I hope we'll be the best of friends. =)

Love,
Me