I'm Moving

Attention, attention! I have had a home on the World Wide Web here for seven years now. But I'm shifting. This blog will not be closed. It has a history I want to remember.

My new home is at: a-man-dah.tumblr.com. If you're still interested in life and my take on it, come on over. Fare thee well, beloved blog! Thy services have been much valued and thou will be kindly preserved at this very place.

There's no guarantee. In fact, there never was. We made our promises and we made our pacts. And if I were to remember correctly, I said forever. Funny how we say things that we mean at the time, but which lose that very meaning over time itself. My only explanation, my only excuse is that I was being honest. It was the truth. For what it's worth, I promise you, at that time, I meant it.

... And We Play Our True Selves The Worst

Him: "Everyone is designed to fall apart."

Me: "So scream, vent, curse. Do what you're designed to do. It's OK to fall apart. 'Cause I'm here."

Shakespeare wrote, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Oh, how true. We're all top-notch actors. Each day, with a keen sense of familiarity and skills honed by years of routine, we put on masks. All at once comfortable and effortless. They shield who we really are or they merely let us cover up the fact that we don't know who we really are. Either way, we all deserve an Academy Award at best for being such adroit purveyors of lies.

You meet people everyday - strangers, acquaintances, friends. You recognize faces. You observe patterns. You overhear conversations. So often what you see are smiles, laughter, jokes. They're all signs of being OK. But someone could be standing right next to you or heck, could even be talking to you and yet you haven't a single inkling that they're in the process of falling apart, losing themselves, breaking down.

Why hide it? If we are all one and the same, there is no reason to pretend. Strange how we, of our own volition, subject ourselves to emotional atrophy. Do you think it makes you look stronger? No, it makes your pain last longer. But really, why hide it? And I'm not saying that you should let your emotions loose on the people around you. 'Cause quite frankly, not everyone cares. What I'm saying is that you're clever enough to differentiate between who cares and who doesn't. Know that the world is filled with as many pretenders as you, but in spite of that, life is not as pretentious and hopeless as you may think 'cause in the majority of all that, there remains a minority in your life that is true and real.

Just as my answer was, you can do what you're designed to do and fall apart in front of me. I know how it feels. I can understand what you're saying. I can relate to what you're going through. So just handle it the way you know best. If it's crying, cry. If it's being silent, shut up. If it's cursing, go wild. If it's rambling, don't stop. 'Cause I'm here. But I'm only here for awhile. I'll be gone soon, just like the many people that have come and gone in your life. But right now, for this uncertain amount of time, I'm here. You could very well say the same to me. And I know that. We all know that. We all know that the people we love now probably aren't always gonna be around. In the end, just as we were when we first came into this world, so will we be on our own. (But of course, save for One. Hehe.) So let's not take them for granted. Use them and exploit them - in the purest, most well-intentioned sense of the word. :)  

All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players

They have their exits and their entrances

And one man in his time plays many parts

Last scene of all

That ends this strange eventful history

Is second childishness and mere oblivion

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything

- William Shakespeare

I wish. Sky, please open up and pour down. Give me my favourite weather.

There is a moment when you look at that one person and you say to yourself, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever." And all along, he was right there, right here. It just took some time for you to look through those very same eyes but this time, see something different.

After tonight, who knows where we'll be tomorrow?
What if we're never here again?
After tonight, this will be a lifetime ago
So let's stay up until the sky bleeds red
'Cause this time is ours

-  "Ours" by The Bravery

There's no song louder than love 
<3

Have umbrella, will travel. Preferably a yellow one that flies me up high. :)

Fear is contagious. You can catch it. Sometimes all it takes is for 

someone to say that they're scared for the fear to become real.

That Awkward Moment...

Lately I've been coming across this line a lot: "That awkward moment when..." At first, it was just another opening to some sentence. But I kept reading it almost everywhere. So it got me thinking, our lives are essentially made up of moments. Just tiny moments that build up and form memories and experiences. It's the tiny details that piece together the larger picture. You can always break it down to a molecular level and start from there, 'cause it's the beginning. And sometimes, those small moments recur over and over again. The funny thing is each time it happens, it doesn't become less awkward. It's always that awkward. D'you realize that? Haha.

So anyway, here's my own list of that awkward moment...

When I sit at the table during lunch with my bunch of friends and suddenly everyone becomes silent. And each of us are just racking our brains to think of what to say next, anything at all, just something.

When someone says something to me or about me and I have no idea how to react. In decelerated response, I stare at them quizzically and quickly look down or away but I can still feel them looking at me. Lol. 

When I'm cheering for the wrong team on FIFA 11 and both my friends don't tell me until I start to find it suspicious how they keep laughing and saying stuff like, "She still doesn't get it yet."

When I accidentally drop chocolate pieces down my shirt and unfortunately, someone saw it happen. A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

When I switch on a movie for my parents and I sit through it with them but I'm holding my breath 'cause I don't know if there is any explicit content in it (you can never know with movies these days, tsk tsk). And when there is, I can't leave 'cause then I'd look guilty. Hahaha.

When someone calls me and we spend the time in between speaking with um's and ah's and then an abrupt, "so, yeah, bye". (Silence is worse when you're on the line, 'cause if you were face-to-face, you could look away and pretend to be occupied with something else.)

When I'm walking around SS15 with my pillow in my arms.

When I jump on stage and start playing the guitar with gusto - eyes closed and rock'n'roll mode - but someone signals to me that my cable is not even plugged in. Yes, this actually happened. Sooooo awkward, not to mention embarrassing. Hehe.


When I'm with a friend and we're deliberating whether or not to cross the road but he does and I'm left there looking stupid. Lol.

OK lah. That's about all I can come up with that's happened to me. At the end of the day, I love awkward moments. Besides being awkward, they're usually always funny. *Grins*  

No, actually I did.

Amanda

I read this somewhere. Now you read it. ;)


Never trust girls whose name starts with A. Ariel, she’s a mermaid but you’re a hydrophobic. Alice is in wonderland and you can’t catch her. Anneliese, too pretty a name for anyone. Anna, palindromes are just tricks that break your heart. Annabelle will just be Anna. Then Amanda, oh Amanda, she has gold streaks in her hair and a golden smile. She dresses in indigo and moves in electrifying speed. You haven’t met her but you want to. She swirls in sonorous purrs and detaches like soft bubbles, she speaks in silver bells and changes her eye colour everyday. She flies kites that remind you of a childhood you never had. She lights fireworks and escapes into tunnels at night. She plays hide and seek and always wins. She wears shoes as tall as skyscrapers but falls gracefully when she trips. She can pronounce Hermès, Jean Paul Gaultier, Lacroix with perfected flair but she doesn’t know syncope, tachycardia or syphilis. She dreams of diamonds and waterfalls in summer. Her skin is scented orchids... And she’s leaving today, tonight.

The one thing that I look forward to seeing in IKEA everytime. =]

What Happened?

The last time I wrote here was 26/3. Mm. It's been too long.

Scanning my archive, I realized that my blog was really, really active a year ago. And that's about right. 'Cause a year ago was when things started to change. I started to change. Right now, that's the problem. I'm just not as dreamy and wide-eyed and trusting as I used to be. I don't have the courage to tell things anymore. I've lost being able to express myself with words.

I miss that me. What happened? Half of me has no friggin' idea. And the other half knows, albeit vaguely, the reason behind it. So yeah, I'm only 19 (heck, not even 19 yet) but I already feel jaded and world-weary. Haha. Although that may be due to the fact that I'm an old soul, but y'know, Imma give myself the benefit of the doubt. Let's just say that my head is no longer as high up in the clouds as they were before. Is this what growing up feels like? Ugh. Tak suka.

Now, to you, has that ever happened? You look back and you look at yourself now, and you go, "Damn, what happened?" 'Cause when I started out, I had a jump in my step and a go-out-and-seize-life-by-the-hands spirit. And now, I'm just dragging my feet. I've been keeping it in for a year too long. The only thing I can think of doing is what I know I (used to) do best: write about it. And then again, I'm not actually telling you the whole story. 'Cause according to my friends, I suck like that. So yeah, take this and make what you will of it. I think that's more fun. Lol.

Alas, I'm hoping that maybe the me before is still around. 'Cause I don't think we change completely. Surely there are certain parts that remain that cross over to Me 2.0 or You 2.0. And as John Mayer says it, when I finally "figure out what's wrong with me," I won't exactly be able to say, "This is the way I used to be," BUT I'll be able to say, "There you are. I knew you were there somewhere." :) 

Sun, Sun, Sun, Here It Comes

I haven't written much lately. At least, nothing of much substance. Nothing that comes from inside. Is it any wonder that I'm tired? I've not allowed myself the release that I was once so familiar with, so good at. Which explains why I'm just a really, really full cracking jar. Mm. Cracks running up and down the sides. Threatening to break, but, no, it won't - I won't. I'm only scaring you.

It's a strange and at once dangerous thing. You forget to take care of yourself. And then over time, you start to lose yourself. You think that it's not possible, considering the fact that you're always with yourself - you're you, you know? So how can it be that you would change for, probably the worse and yet not realize it happening. Wow. I sound pretty insane. If you understand this, then you're pretty cool. Haha.

It's possible to spend so much time on everything else except yourself. This might sound a tad ridiculous, but you can pass yourself by everyday. No kidding. Every friggin' day. Lol.

So I'm gonna go find me a sunrise. Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter and it feels like years since it's been here. Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting and it seems like years since it's been clear. But here comes the sun, here comes the sun. And I say, "It's alright." 'Cause it is. It's alright.

I'm Coming Home

I found out yesterday night that with the right company, everything is better.

Lousy music suddenly sounds pretty alright - and you actually want more.

Bad (or rather zero) lighting suddenly becomes the one thing that sets the ambience.

'Cause when you're where I am, it's never good to be alone.

You need to find those who fit this equation: Specific Person = Comfort = Home.

So can I come home now?

Baby We Can Start Again

New walls. Plain colours.

Let's start over. A fresh, empty slate.

Maybe we'll get it right this time. Maybe we'll make it ours. Or maybe we'll just find new ways of doing it wrong.

Either way, baby, we can start again.

Calvin: You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion.

Hobbes: A religion?

Calvin: Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one new number! No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion!

Hobbes: And in the public schools no less. Call a lawyer.

Calvin: As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.

I'm a math atheist. :)

Love for Love's Sake

We weren't not in love. It's just that the subject, as such, never really came up. It kind of loomed over us like a blissfully stupid cloud. The love cloud. 

Maybe what was happening was that we were in love with the idea of being in love. But that's still love, right? Instead of loving each other, we loved an idea. An aspiration. A wish. The other person was more or less an afterthought. Somewhat expendable, or at the very least, interchangeable.

"I love that you make me feel like I'm in love.

You, on the other hand, I can take or leave."

Of course, it was just a matter of time before the truth of each other, the hard fact of our unique selfness, our one-of-a-kind personalities, became unavoidable. Saying goodbye in these circumstances is always very awkward. It happens eventually, usually. Other times, there is no closure.

Don't you think this happens often? Love for love's sake. It shouldn't though. But it does, unfortunately. 

Zero Letdown

When I want to go out to satisfy a craving but no one is free...

When I want to watch a movie but no one will watch it with me...

When I want to play a boring board game but no one will play it with me...

When I want to sleep but I'm too afraid 'cause I just watched a scary documentary...

I'll always have you, my dear little brother. :)

'Cause we're stuck with each other for the rest of our lives. Hehe.

P.S. Thank you for not changing the channel when I watch Handy Manny and being patient with me when I ask for random high fives and make stupid faces while you text or do your homework.

Huggable

You're my giant teddy bear. :)

The Human Race

Look at us. Running around. Always rushed, always late. I guess that's why they call it the human race. What we crave most in this world is connection. 

And sometimes, the human race slows down just enough for all the pieces to fall into place. Fate works its magic. And you're connected.

A day well spent with my two besties: Carissa and Xin-Ee. :)

Plus, I got to see a freaking sweet Lamborghini.

O Time, Thou Art A Cruel Thing

I've made up my mind that some people are born to be late. For instance, me. No matter what I have to do, as long as it has to do with going somewhere and reaching that place at a specific time, I fail - again and again. Try as I might, I am ALWAYS late. It seems to me that the universe has been conspiring against me each time I go the extra mile to be on time.

Before I tell you my story, let me give you a blow-by-blow of my college mornings. Usually, I wake up at 6:40 and wander around half-asleep doing what I have to do (wash up, dress up, pack up). Then I'll get in the car and you see, the thing is, Butter's clock is 10 minutes slow. So everytime I get in the car, the clock shows 6:50. Don't ask me why I can't see the discrepancy between the time I wake up and the time I get in the car. In the mornings, I am not actually awake. Anyway, when I see Butter's clock showing 6:50, I go, "Ah. Good time, good time. I'm not late." To my horror, I arrive at SS15 with barely 5 minutes left to my first lesson and a parking spot that I am less than happy with.

So about today. As the new SAM students have their orientation and I will be sending Wei Lyn to college, I decided to wake up at 6:30. I didn't want her to have a reputation of being late among her new classmates (yes, thank you, I am very kind, hahaha). But something came up so Ben was supposed to send us today. I was up and ready bright and early (in my book, that's prepped for college at 6:50 ALREADY). There was a delay and Ben only came at 7:30. Imagine that! Crazy jam made me arrive in college at 8:30. You may say that me being late was not my fault, but Ben's. But the way I see it, it's not Ben's fault either. It's just that rule that applies to me. That whole forever-and-always-will-be-late-no-matter-how-hard-I-try-not-to-be rule.

There are SO MANY examples that I could tell you:

1) Y'day, I had every good intention in the world to be at Kwang Hua at 1:15 to pick Carissa. But somehow, time, like a thief, crept around me and what do ya know, I only left home at 1:15. And I was so careful at making sure that I checked the time periodically. I have no idea how I was late.

2) Last Sunday, I promised to be in church at 10:00. Then I had to pick Xin-Ee, so OK, I woke up at 9:00 instead of my usual half an hour later. I thought I had some time to kill so I read the newspapers. Before I knew it, it was 9:45 and I had so little time to get ready.

3) The previous Saturday, I had to pick Jo from tuition class and go for dinner with Pastor Gid and a few others from church. I organized my time and made sure that I didn't watch more Parenthood episodes than I can handle. When Jo called, I quickly gathered my things and boom-shaka-laka, I was out the door and driving Butter all the way to Southern Park. But abnormally so, there were many cars and I ended up being pretty late for dinner.

4) Being barely on time for college exams more than once. I wish with all my heart that none of you will ever, ever have to experience arriving 10 minutes before an AS Level examination that is on the 3rd freaking floor which you MUST climb by stairs and not to mention having parked DEEP in the housing area FAR AWAY from college. Oh, and to be absolutely true to what happened, think of yourself as a hardly healthy girl who was last in a gym in Form 3 and for a record time of 10 minutes. If you do not want to put yourself in my shoes, then think of yourself as an onlooker. Imagine me running frantically and pulling out my stationery and student ID at the same time. Really, you DO NOT want that to happen to you. Not even once.

5) Countless times of meaning to be in school early as I only live 5 minutes away end with me making Jessica, Yoke Pei and Lynnette wait. Then I'll make a siuper dramatic but totally unnecessary entrance for whatever I was supposed to be in school for.

Why, oh, why? Are good intentions not enough to bend the universe in my favour? Hahaha. Oh well, not that this rule is gonna stop me from trying to be on time. I'm still gonna make the effort to not be the last one arriving for everything that I attend. But if - when - it happens, would you be so kind as to remember this post and forgive me for always being, as I say it, fashionably late? :)    

XX

I knew it could happen. I saw it happen. Before this, it didn't mean anything to me. 'Cause I knew it wouldn't happen to me. But it did. So quickly, too. Now I think I've changed. If not completely, at least mostly. And I'm not sure I like it. There's a joy that I can't describe, but there's an insecurity that reminds me of the past. There's an anticipation that gives me direction, but there's a warning sign fighting for my attention. Is it true that some things I have no control over? Does anyone really know me?

An Ugly Fact of Life

I think relationships are so changeable. You don't have to do anything. Just stand back and watch. Tap your feet to keep count of the seconds that turn into minutes which become hours and stretch into days... and days. Run through the names of the people you love the most, and let yourself feel any distance between you and them. Do something about it.

Happy New Year!

I know I am 11 days late, but Happy New Year! Haha. I have been so inconsistent, but that is only because I have been so busy. December was the craziest month ever. Sarawak - Hong Kong - Ipoh - Singapore. Luas permandangan, jauh pengalaman. Lol.

But now I'm back. And for once, being at home doesn't feel like I'm waiting in transit. I can actually sit at home and say to myself, "I'll be here for awhile." Haha.

Anyway, my 2010 has been a good year. Got off to a rough start but it's the ending that matters, yes? My ending was a great one. I ended on a high note. Once again, the only things that you remember at the end of a year is the people that made it awzum. It's the same for me. But I don't really wanna name any names. Haha.

Other than that, last year really taught me a lot, and most of it in the month of December. Haha. It is strange that you learn your lessons at the very last moment. I can only say that before this I thought I saw everything clearly, but after December, I've gained some perspective. Very little matters. Life can be stripped down to two things - people and GOD. But many things get in the way. And you forget to check to see if you're really seeing things clearly. Sooner or later, you just assume that everything is clear and just as they're supposed to be - that the way you view the world is correct, that what you think is important really is important.

Together with what I mentioned, I also learned the importance of discipline. Everything requires discipline. Sitting here and typing out my thoughts requires discipline. (And clearly, I have not exercised much discipline in regards to my blog. Nyehehe.)

In closing, I cannot tell you much about 2011 yet. All I know is that this year is scarier than last year for me. I was sort of freaking out last year... and the year before that, and before that. Haha. I wish that I would stop getting so worked up about a new year, because each year is just going to be scarier. You just gotta learn to take it easy each year. Little by little, as the year progresses, you figure out more about the year, and it becomes more familiar and less scary. But just before things get boring, thank goodness for surprises. Hehe. So here's to wishing you an inspired year - full of good, great things and also bad things (to remind you that the good things truly are good) and altogether, they're worth remembering.