The People I Need

I've been really busy for a really long time. I don't even remember the last time I wasn't busy. There's always something running through my mind, something coming up, something to plan. My days before were packed and so are my days ahead. But no matter how busy I am, I'm never too busy for the people I love. 'Cause the people I love are the ones who remind me to breathe. They're the ones that slow down time for me. They're the voices and the faces that I need. And I'm so glad that I see some of them everyday. And I'm so glad that I'll be seeing some of them again. 

Passing Time

Reading other people's blogs is extremely entertaining. Scrolling through other people's lives help you to find out what they think is important and significant and how they talk about it helps you to make out the sort of person they are. It's really interesting to get a glimpse into their lives the way they see it. And then to come away, thinking to yourself, "I did not understand a single word of what I just read." You only understand that you do not understand that person. I say that that is time well spent. Haha.

Butter

Let me introduce you to Butter. Butter makes me happy. Butter makes me smile. Butter is... my car. Hahaha. Yesh. I know. It is ridiculous of me to name my car, but to me, that's one of the ways in which I can personalize my car. Why, you ask? I guess we should backtrack a bit and I'll lead you into the history of Butter. Butter is a Perodua Myvi which previously belonged to my mum. Now that I've got my licence and I need a car to drive wherever, my mum's car has become mine. 

Before Butter met me (technically, he's met me a million times in the past four years, but let's just keep it that way), he did not have a name. After our meeting, I decided to name him and make him mine. That is only one of two things I have done to personalize Butter. The first thing I did was buy him an air freshener - a cool Glade one that matches the interior of Butter.

So now we can come back to where I was. The next question you might ask (if you're not either laughing at my silliness or shaking your head at my bimbo-ness) is why Butter? Good question. Haha. I think Wei Te named him, but Wei Te says he didn't. Anyway, Wei Te said that the name Butter sounded fat. I've always thought that the Myvi was a really fat car. Have you seen its backside? Lol. So I felt that the name Butter was really apt. And I know my Myvi is silver and not gold.

Yup, that's all I wanted to do - introduce you to Butter. Nyehehe. My mind is more than half made up that Butter's a guy. But what do you think? Is it a him or a her?

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, 

when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference 

between reality and fantasy, when just for that one moment you feel 

with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.

"If you're interested in characters and stories,

people's lives, communication and connections,

how people interact - New York City is 

the ultimate place to be."

- Regina Spektor

All the reasons why I wanna live in New York City summed up in one beautiful, succinct quote by an indie singer-songwriter. =)

18

It's been about a month since I last updated my blog. Really sorry about that. I've been pretty busy. Hehe. So anyway, as demanded by you, Jessica Loo, I will now write my mandatory "I turned 18" post.

So last Tuesday, I celebrated my eighteenth b'day. I was actually in the middle of my semester one exams, to be more specific, Economics and Sociology papers. It was the first time in eleven years that my b'day was not a holiday. I guess college is sucky like that. Haha.

Anyway, how do I feel about turning 18? Oh man. I really don't know. It means I'm a legal adult and all that, right? So I can buy cigarettes, go clubbing and drink alcohol. Haha. But I don't do any of those so it really is not of much use. Lol.

But apart from that, I guess I should be all emo and self-reflective and tell you what I think. So here goes. I feel really old. Haha. It's like, how did I get from 8 to 18? As I get older, time passes faster. And that makes me sad, 'cause I hate growing up. I know that when I'm a lot older and out of university and all that, I'm gonna miss being young. And I hate the fact that I can't do anything about it. I could try to remember how I feel right now, but it doesn't work that way. Most of the time I end up forgetting how I felt, only remembering that I tried to remember.

When you get older, you lose a lot of things that comes with youth. That includes friends and well, innocence. Hahaha. That is a word that I hear so very often in English Literature class. Anyway, what I mean is, we all know that as schoolkids, we are generally innocent - or at least that's what I've thought to be true, although now I suppose that is rather naive thinking. Lol. But yeah, so we lose some parts of ourselves when we grow up. Like we're less childish and we're more mature and all that. So I think that's sad. How we may be so different from how we used to be as kids. When we were kids, things were so much simpler and we were so much better off. The world was kind and people were good. Life could throw anything our way, but it could never take the sparkle out of our eyes.

Then when we get a little older, we're called teenagers. Being a teenager includes all that puberty stuff and raging hormones coupled with mood swings and soul-searching. Slowly but surely that sparkle in our eyes start to dim and if you look in the mirror the next time, you'll find it's harder to see. You start to realize how the world actually works. It's not kind and people sure aren't all good. The world is ugly and people can do terrible things. But even so, you're at that age where you see bad things but you're not entirely stained by them. You're still a kid, and that sparkle isn't completely gone. A little part of you believes that the world is still kind and there's goodness in people. Then you have your own hopes and dreams; your ideas about what your life will be in ten years' time. As a teenager, you've got nothing to lose.

And I've been a kid and I've been a teenager; I still am a teenager. But I guess I'm kind of right at the edge. In a few years' time, I'll have to cross the border and say goodbye to youth - forever. That scares me, 'cause I know that once I become an adult, there's no going back. You can try to relive your youth, but that's all you can do - try. So I'm not all that psyched about turning 18. But I get that it's part of life. You grow older and you move on. You lose that sparkle and life is less simple. And right now, it feels like that's not OK, but I guess I don't have a say in whether or not it's OK. I learn to live according to life's time. It won't wait for me. But it will give me opportunities to regain that sparkle and see the simple life. As for now, I'm not an adult yet. So as far as I'm concerned, I've still got that sparkle and life is still simple as long as I don't go and complicate it. =)

Forever young, I wanna be forever young

Do you really wanna live forever, forever and ever?

Forever young, I wanna be forever young

I don't wanna live forever, forever and ever

Talking about Glee during Law class as Miss Harjit keeps asking us to quiet down...

Me: You mean the one where Artie sings in a wheelchair?

Him: Artie is always in a wheelchair.

LOL LOL LOL. I know he's always in a wheelchair lah. I was just referring to that song. Get me? :D

HAHAHAHAHA!
If you don't watch The Big Bang Theory, you're missing out - big time!
=D

"Everything you can imagine is real."

- Pablo Picasso

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like 'Maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

- Neil Gaiman

Possibility

For as long as I can remember, I have always been the sort of person who aimed high. It didn't matter if my present circumstances permitted it (by this I mean financially and economically). It didn't matter if I was even capable of it at the time (and by this I mean whether or not my target can be achieved by my current abilities). I don't know why and I don't know how, but I always held a certain hope and a certain belief in myself and the fact that I could do anything as long as I wanted it badly enough and I was motivated by the right things and I was willing to put in effort.

Y'day I was just having a talk with a dear friend of mine. And it occurred to me that we were very much alike in our belief that anything is... possible. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is true. In this life, there are many choices that you have to make and it is more often than not, one decision after another. Sometimes you may trip up and make the wrong decision, but you don't have enough time to regret over it because another decision comes your way.

Every stage of your life presents its own set of choices. Regardless of whether you're in school or in college or in university or about to launch out into a career, it's all about questions that life throws at you and answers that you give. And because we're so aware of it, we feel so pressured into making the right decision. But really, what is the right decision? Is it something that is safe; that will give you financial security and economic stability? Or is it something you love which makes you feel alive deep inside and gives you meaning and purpose?

Most of the time, we are restricted by our circumstances and what people say. I often worry about things which I shouldn't worry about. I look at my circumstances and become stressed out over how I am supposed to help out to make things work. Then at the same time, I am bombarded by people saying stuff like, "You're really clever, so why are you doing arts?" And usually stuff like these would influence you to make decisions based on how things are and what people say. But that's not how it is for me and it's definitely not how it should be for you and anyone at all. 'Cause this life is yours. The decisions you make should be yours. And the consequences of that decision are entirely yours to bear. So if you make decisions that aren't exactly yours, are you willing to face the consequences? It is much better to take a risk and choose who you want to be, then handle whatever comes after.

This life can be everything you want it to be. It's your time and it's your day. When you get older, are you able to say that your life and your place is where you wanted it to be? Is it all you dreamed it would be when you were younger and felt like there was nothing to lose? 'Cause I do believe that one of the things that we are most afraid of are regrets. We don't want to look back on life and say that things didn't turn out the way we thought it would because we weren't brave enough to dream and be what we feel. Don't compromise what you wanna be. Let nothing stop you from chasing it.

I've learned that this life can be bigger and better if we believed so. Nothing is too far away or too crazily insane that you can't dream about it and build a path towards it. Sometimes I wonder why I want to set such a high standard when I don't even know if I can reach it. It's almost as if I am setting myself up for disappointment and pain. But I know that if I aim for anything lower than that, I would be selling myself short. What I have and the dreams in my heart are GOD's gift to me. What I do with it is my gift to Him. And so I don't wanna settle for just about anything. I don't wanna settle for a life ordinary. I'd much rather try to be the best that I can be, and if I don't reach it this time, then I'll reach it the next time. Just as life is one decision after another, it's also one chance after another. Life is a possibility of anything at all.

Choice is yours. The rest of your life is a long time and whether you know it or not, it's being shaped right now. You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, or bad luck, or bad choices, or you can fight back. Things aren't always gonna be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give. What's worse, not getting everything you wished for or getting what you think is all and finding out it's not enough? The rest of your life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase, the choices you make and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time and the rest of your life starts right now.

Me: I guess it's one thing to be good in academics and another to be able to go for an interview and speak well.

Him: Yeah. But you have both, see? So you're actually really smart. But you're lacking in common sense and logic. So GOD is fair.

HAHAHAHA. Oh, you make me laugh so hard. =D

Aku Lulus!

I PASSED!

So watch out, roads of Malaysia! Amanda Hoi is now a legal driver and totally obsessed with having control over a car. Haha. I'm on the way to getting my license ('cause I haven't actually gotten it in physical form yet) and I've already bought my P stickers, which made me very happy, by the way. Lol.

Anyway, about the day. I was picked up at 7 in the morning. Then me and Wei Te just sat around and waited. It was so darn hot. But thank goodness it was the morning sun. Haha. I'd be fully and truly fried if it was the afternoon sun.

Me being number 19, it didn't take long for it to be my turn. First I went up the slope and when I braked, I thought, "Oh no. That does not look correct." So the JPJ guy let me go downhill again and come up. I reversed downhill and then went up again. All the time I was thinking, "Oh damn. What on earth am I doing? I hope the instructor isn't seeing this happening." The worst thing was when I went up and braked, it looked exactly the same as the first time. Hahaha. But I had to raise my hand lah, so I did. And for my parking, I seriously thought that I touched a tiang. But apparently I didn't and I also passed that. I never had any problems with 3-point turn lah so no worries there. Haha.

Next was road test. I don't know why I was called out although there were like twenty-plus people who were supposed to go before me. I was mentally unprepared to drive, but I had to lah. I think my driving during the road test was by far the most dangerous and reckless kind of driving I've ever done. The JPJ guy kept braking for me and saying, "Gear, gear!" Hahaha. I ngam ngam passed nie. But oh the relief! Lol.

Everything was over and done with fast enough. I'm glad I don't have to go back to that place again or do any of the three things again. Goodbye forever! Hehe. So people, if you dare to let me drive you, just let me know. But of course I'll only agree after I know that my driving is safe enough. =D

Tomorrow is (one of) the day(s) I've been waiting for.

It is the day that ends 17 years of being just a passenger.

It is the day I get upgraded from an L to a P.

It is the day I become a legal driver... or not. Haha.

I'll let you know how it goes. =)

"Your heart is my piñata."

- Chuck Palahniuk

11.3.2010

As most of you know, today was SPM results day. Haha. So I had to go back to school. A week before that, there was a newspaper article announcing that SPM results would be out on March 11. Since that day, all I could think about was SPM results. Man, I was so nervous and so worried. I prayed about it everyday. Haha. When I woke up and got ready and stuff, Mum and Dad were like, "Don't worry, OK? We know you gave it your best. So whatever you get, it's alright." The night before, my elder bro came into my room and gave me a quick kiss and a hug. And well, Jo was skipping school to follow me to collect my results. Hehe. I really am so thankful for having such a loving family. =)

So anyway, I went to school at about 10am. Met up with the other three at the bus stop before we masuk school together. As usual, I was the last to arrive although I live a mere five minutes away. Haha. When we entered school, there were SO many people already! They were swarming the place: ex-Form 5s, teachers, parents, juniors walking all over the Dataran Bestari. I don't believe that I've ever seen the Dataran Bestari this packed, honestly.

Before going to the 5D table, I had to return my SPBT books first. I could only find my History textbook so I only gave that back. Then I had to pay RM8 for Konserto Terakhir. Aih. I didn't even know that I kept that book lah. Haha. And then a classmate of mine appeared and said something that really made Jessica upset. I would think that people generally would know what to say and what not to say based on the situation that they're in, but man, was I wrong. Lol.

After that, we made our way to the 5D table lah. It was the one nearest to the office. When the four of us got there, there was no one collecting their results and there was no one else hovering around the table. It was only Puan Rosnani. When she saw us, she looked at us and smiled in a really suspicious way. Haha. Then when we got to the table, all of a sudden there were so many people. Like, a second ago, there was just Puan Rosnani, and then a second later, it was crowded - really crowded. Maybe 'cause me and Jessica were making such a scene. Lol. Everytime Puan Rosnani started to speak, we screamed like mad. Haha. You see, we really didn't wanna hear anything that she had to say, in the highly likely case that she might give away our results by saying something like, "Bagus lah" or "Tahniah" or "Boleh tahan lah" or something along those lines, you get me. Haha.

When all four of us collected our results slip already, we moved to the side and said a quick prayer before looking at our results. I tell you, I was so excited. That feeling you get when you're holding your results slip in your hand, and you don't know if you wanna know, but you know that in that moment, you're gonna find out whether or not you want to... Haha. So as I let my hand slip down, a row of As appeared and I screamed for joy. It didn't matter that I had a swollen gum and I had been coughing since Christmas, I screamed like nobody's business. Lol. And then I gave Mum a huge hug and just kept on saying, "I got all As, Mum. Mum, I got all As. I got all As, Mum." Haha. Then I started crying. Lol. Oh man, I can't begin to tell you how extremely overjoyed I was to see my results. I didn't even care that there was A+, A and A- (in case you're wondering, it's 5 A+, 5 As and 2 A-). They were all As! And after the government changed the grading system, I kind of decided that going for straight A+ was a bit of a dream. I would only aim for straight As, and even then, I wasn't sure I could get that. Haha.

When I was done screaming and crying, I started making calls according to speed dial. Haha. Called Dad, Ko and Che. Then I called Melody and Mervyn, and then Soon Chia, Michael, Jonathan and Dillion called me. After all the necessary phone calls, I text-ed the necessary people, like Ning. And then it was time to meet the teachers. Hehe. But first, me and Jessica had to find for Miss Sim to take some scholarship form. Later, I went around to find for my favourite teachers. When I saw Puan Tan, she came to me with open arms and said, "I love you." Hahaha. I guess I really, really surprised her by getting an A+ for Add Maths, considering the fact that I consistently get 50-something for that subject and I've only ever gotten an A once in two years. Haha. And I think even Puan Rosnani is surprised that I got A+ for BM, 'cause I'm always on the borderline of A. Then I met Puan Ting, Puan Sheila, Puan Nadiah, Puan Hashirene and Puan Rosnani. After that, I called Puan Sunita, Pastor Jerry, Miss Tan and Mr Teh. The conversation with Puan Sunita went something like this:

Me: Hi, teacher. Amanda here. D'you know who I am?

Puan Sunita: Oh yes, Amanda Hoi. The naughty one.

Me: (Incredulous) What naughty one, 'cher? I'm not naughty!

Puan Sunita: Yes, you are lah. Always talk a lot in class. So how many As you got?

Me: 12 As, 'cher!

Puan Sunita: Great, great! Chemistry how?

Me: A+ lah, 'cher. I got A+ for Chemistry. Oh yeah, d'you know that my brother, Josiah Hoi goes for tuition?

Puan Sunita: Ah, yes, yes, I know him. He's your brother ah? Why so different wan?

Me: How different? We look the same.

Puan Sunita: No, no. He's a very good boy. Nothing like you.

Hahahaha. Almost every teacher that teaches me says that I'm naughty. And I guess that makes sense lah. I mean, I talk a lot (can't help it) and I don't always do homework (I am very lazy) and I like to skip classes very often (like when the weather's too hot or I don't wanna do a test, haha). But I'm glad that in a way, I kind of proved myself to them. Just as Puan Parimala once told me, "Do your best and get good results, then leave this school with dignity." Well, she told me that after I got told off by the discipline teacher in front of the whole school. Lol. So I guess that dignity part kind of fit in when she said it. But not right now, 'cause it's not like I lost my dignity or anything. D'you know what I mean? Haha.

I spent about two and half hours in school. It was really nice to be back in school again. I felt like I didn't wanna leave. I could just stay there and see all my favourite juniors and meet all my favourite teachers. It made me so happy to be there, for real. Haha. But alas, I was no longer an MGS student and I had to leave (partly because Jessica wanted to go already, lol).

Another thing that really made my day was the fact that all my dear friends were also blessed with really awesome results. Congratulations to Jessica, Yoke Pei, Nette, Melia, Angel, Hannah, Iri, Jerry and Soon Chia. I am so darn proud of you guys. Haha. =D

So I'm glad to say that 11 March 2010 was one of the happiest days of my life. And I am so thankful to You for being so faithful and so generous and so amazing! I still find it surreal and hard to believe that I got 12 As. And I think I know why. It's 'cause when I look at myself getting 12 As, it's just impossible. It's absolutely impossible. Haha. But then I remember, nothing is impossible for GOD. Like You said, "Is anything too hard for Me?" And I know, without a doubt, that this right here, it's all You. So I reflect everything back to You. I wanted so much to do so well, but in the end, it was entirely up to You whether or not You wanted to give me all As. And I am SO, SO, SO thankful that it pleased You to do just that. Aw man, I love You, You know that? =]

I just have to say that success is so sweet! And I definitely couldn't have made it here if not for my awesome GOD (You are the best, always and forever =]), a loving family (I love you all to bits for all the support and no pressure) and amazing best friends (that's you six rockin' people: Jessica, YP, Nette, Bev, Mikey and Mervy =D). This feeling is absolutely priceless and completely worth it. I am still ridiculously happy. Haha. So people, work hard and pray hard! 'Cause that's what you get when you put in effort and trust in our wonderful GOD. Hehe. And this is not nerd talk, OK. Lol. Now, just to commemorate this awesome and blessed day, I have uploaded a video of me and Jessica collecting our results slip (not opening it) for you to watch. =) Forgive me for being so dramatic, but I'm like that when I get nervous. Haha.

Update, Update!

Harlo! =D

I know I haven't been blogging in forever. I hate how inconsistent I am now. Haha. What happened to the blogging streak I had two months back? I don't know. Lol.

Anyway, tomorrow's a holiday! It's funny how now every single holiday I get is oh so precious to me. Maybe 'cause they're few and close between. Haha. So I have to go on without holidays for a long time before I get a whole lot of holidays here and there.

So, what has been going on with me, you ask? (I'm just assuming you wanna know. Haha.) I celebrated CNY, yeah, duh. Haha. This year's CNY was pretty fun. Of course a huge difference was Michael not being around, 'cause I remember spending last year's with him, but just gotta deal with it. Hehe. Apart from that, my ang pau collection is as usual, not reaching sky high amounts. Lol. I went back to Mum's hometown in Terengganu for a night. Then I came back and attended open houses and dinners throughout the entire week. I've been having SO MUCH Chinese food! Haha.

Oh, and I have an announcement to make. Ahem ahem. For those of you who have been nagging and pestering me to start driving lessons (I know it's 'cause y'all want me to drive y'all around, haha, but that's OK, I don't mind =D), I have started driving lessons! *Insert loud applause and ear-deafening cheers* (This is where y'all actually applaud and cheer in front of your monitors as you read this, please and thank you =]). I daresay I am pretty good behind the steering wheel. Haha. I guess all that time spent driving stolen cars on Grand Theft Auto have paid off. Lol. My enemy is first gear, but y'know what they say, keep your enemies closer. I know this doesn't really apply here, but whatev lah. Haha. Slowly and surely I am conquering first gear. Hehe. I've only had two driving lessons but I've driven to Northport, Westport and Setia Alam on the Kesas and Federal highways. No kidding. Hehe.

What else, what else? Let's see. College is fine. I really like my lecturers, especially my law lecturer. She's really nice and makes me like law. Hehe. I also love literature. And I'm starting to like sociology and economics. At first, I was struggling a bit (still am, though less so now), but if there's one thing that I've learned in the past two months, it's that you gotta give it time. For whatever it is, you've got to give it some time. And things will get better. Don't stop believin'! Hahaha.

Oh yes, I'm dying. Hahaha. Not literally lah. But I've actually been bordering on sick since Christmas last year ( I know, so long ago!). It's becoming worse lately. My cough and flu is terrible. I remember someone predicting I'm gonna be like this for the next three months if I don't do something =O I really wish I wasn't always so unhealthy. I'm always sick. It's like people are usually healthy, but I'm usually not. Sigh. Then again, it's really my fault. I've been drinking nothing and eating all the wrong things. I have a couldn't-care-less attitude when it comes to taking care of myself.

I think that's about it. I'll try my best to write AFAP (as frequently as possible XD). If and when something hits me and I just have to share it with the blogosphere, I promise I will. Hehe. Until then, buhbye!

And then six became three...

Hello, freedom.
Hello, acceptance.
:)

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me, darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time

- "The Saltwater Room" by Owl City

Alive Not Alone

I was reminded today of how easy it is to get caught up in my own troubles. At the end of today, I was feeling rather drained out. I knew I wasn't particularly tired, because technically, I only had about 75 minutes of classes today. But for some reason, I felt weary and moodless. And after making myself finish up at least one assignment, I kind of dragged myself out of that feeling. In all the breaks that I took in between completing my assignment, I did some soul-searching. A little stop and stare, if you like.

Soul-searching is a good thing. It's tiring and it takes effort. It's difficult and it makes you think - hard. But in the end, it's refreshing and it's invigorating. It helps you see things clearer and it's worth the work. Lately, I haven't been blogging much because I've been busy. That and I can't seem to think of what it is I want to say. But now there's something on my mind. After letting myself into my head and into my heart, I think I've got something to write about.

Whenever life throws something at us, we tend to go on the defense right away. In my case, I hide behind my shield and refuse to see or fight whatever it is on the other side of the shield. I choose to look at things in a worldly, negative way. It brings me down. My strength gets sapped away and I start to feel alone, as if I'm the only one in the whole world who feels this way. I wanna just curl up in bed and fall asleep, hoping and wishing that when I wake up, everything will just go away. But it's never that easy, innit? So I stay awake. I keep my eyes open and instead of looking at things around me, I start to realize what's actually wrong. It's me that's seeing things the wrong way.

Of course, I don't get to this point of thinking just like that. In an attempt to find someone to listen to me, I find myself listening to others. Isn't it strangely funny when you hear someone's problems, and your problems just fade instantly? It sets the crooked picture straight. Suddenly you see all your troubles the way they actually are: small. Buthen again, not all troubles are small. When they're your own, every trouble is big. But we can't use that excuse to say that what we're facing is something huge, 'cause we ourselves know whether or not it really is as big a deal as we make it out to be.

I find that I feel a whole lot better when I look inside me and then look outside. I set things in perspective in myself first, then I see life for what it really is. Then only can I look outside and evaluate what really matters. 'Cause people are hurting. They're in pain. They're troubled and confused and despaired. They smile and they put on a brave front, but that is their shield. It comes in many forms and it has varying looks, but it serves the same function. It defends them, but from what?

We all experience similar things. We all understand each other in ways we don't know. We all feel scared and alone at one point or another. We all want peace and happiness for always. We all want what we all want. 'Cause inside we all feel the same. And I don't know if we know that. The only way to get over that is to realize that we're all capable of helping each other, 'cause we all know how life makes us feel. In spite of all our strife and struggle to make it through on our own, we know that we can't do it alone. We weren't wired that way.

It's true to a certain extent that we enter the world alone and we leave it alone. But everything that happens in between, we owe it to ourselves to find a little company. We need help. We need support. Otherwise we’re in it by our self. Strangers, cut off from each other and we forget just how connected we all are. So instead we choose love. We choose life and for a moment we feel just a little bit less alone.

I'm (Always) Your Friend

All I did was mention a person's name. But it's funny how just the mere mention of that name made you almost, quite literally fall apart in front of me. Hearing you talk about what happened and how it made you feel and the times when you wanted to call me and do what you always do (cry on the phone and tell me what's wrong), I felt guilty. I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry I moved on and left everything else behind, including you.

Each of us have our own experiences in life. And all of that teaches us different things. Which explains why we have different mindsets and perspectives on the same things. As I listened to you talk about what you've learned, I wonder if I would wanna feel all you've felt and go through all you've gone through. And as you listened to me speak, I could sense a longing: you wanted to feel like I feel and go through what I've gone through.

But do you know what I've been through? Are you sure you want to feel like that? I find it strange and sad that we want what others have. Why do we look at other people and feel that they've got it so much better? Is it really better than what we have? We have what we have because we've been given it. No one's gonna be given what you've got. It's for you, and for you only. It's just as good as what I have. You just have to look, not see. What you have in your life is the best that you'll ever have right now. It's enough. Don't lose it and go chasing after what you think you want. Those things are waiting for you, but they're not meant for you now.

Here, I'll tell you a secret, so don't tell anyone, alright? The truth is, I'm not always OK. And I don't always have it all together. In fact, most of the time I'm not completely OK. And I'm often always just about to lose it. I am as complicated as you are. I am as scared as you are. I just don't tell anyone. Maybe I'm hardly around. Maybe I'm never around. We may not be as close as we used to be. We may not have ever been close at all. But when you need me, I will always, always have time for you. I can put all my complication and fear aside, and help you. 'Cause I'm your friend. And that's what I do.

So if you want what I have... you don't know what you're asking for. But if you want me to help you with what I have, then I'll do that. I'll say this again. I'm your friend... and this is what I do. :)

Today my dear little brother turns 16!

Once short, fair and fat, he is now tall, dark and handsome. Hahaha.

God bless always and I love you. :)

Happy Sweet Sixteen!

I Am A Kor-leij Student

Hello, dear readers! Forgive me for falling off the face of the blogging world for... what, two weeks? Haha. So anyway, I am now a kor-leij student. (Yes, I like spelling college like that. Haha.) At last, I've found the time to blog. I've been extremely busy with college. Got lots of work and assignments to do, and then there are the other non-academic activities. Oh, not to mention the fact that I have a lot on my mind and that sometimes (OK, most of the time) drives me crazy. Besides that, my schedule's pretty packed. Start at 8 and usually end at 4. By the time I get home, I'm all drained out. I hit the bed at 10 every night. Haha.

So anyway, I take the train to college everyday now. It's quite fun. Usually I'm half-asleep in the morning, so I have my 7 o'clock face. But when I take the train home, I'm pretty energetic. Lol. And I walk! Haha. *Nods nods* Amanda Hoi now walks on a regular - daily - basis, people. I'm really proud of myself. It's super tiring, but it's my only constant form of exercise for the first time in 17+ years. Haha. Buthen, I don't think I'm losing any weight 'cause I eat as much as I walk. You gotta blame that on the huge number of makan places surrounding Taylor's. I'm spoilt for choice everyday wei. It's like being a kid who visits Willy Wonka everyday. Lol.

Apart from that, I'm doing OK, I guess. College is tiring and fun but it's also frustrating and difficult. But that's what comes with change, right? Hehe. I'm trying my best to do what I can where I've been placed. School feels so far away now. I feel so disconnected from school life. And I miss some of my friends whom I haven't seen in forever. For example, Amelia Lee! Where are you, man? Haha. Because of how college separates me from dear friends who are either in other colleges or still in school at the moment, I'm so thankful that I still get to meet Jessica, Yoke Pei and Nette everyday.

In the same way that college makes it hard for me to meet certain friends, it makes it easier for me to meet other friends. Haha. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with a few other people, both old and new friends. Then there are friends who will be leaving the country soon. Like Mikey and Michy. T_T So sad lah. They're going Aussie. Down Under is stealing all my friends. Lol.

So yup, that's about all. I hope you're all keeping well and enjoying your school life, college life, working life or whatever-it-is-you're-doing-now life. Haha. God loves you! Until next time, tata.

P.S.: D'you know that song by Iyaz featuring Sean Kingston that goes like, "Shawty's like a melody in my head that I can't keep out, got me singin' like, na na na na everyday..."? I always thought that the next line says, "It's like my eyeball's stuck on replay." Y'day I found out that it was iPod and not eyeball. Hahaha.

Rewind and Play

I've been terribly free this week. And it feels terribly weird! For as long as I can remember, I've always been up and about, doing something, anything and occupying my time. I guess now that I'm out of school, there's nothing for me to do. I don't like it at all. I'm really not one who can stay still and do random stuff. At least from next week I'll have something to do, someplace to go, somewhere to be. Haha.

All the blogs that I read talk about school. Everyone seems so stressed and worried. Form 4s are deciding on what subjects to pick and getting used to the different subjects. Form 5s are regretting not studying enough in Form 4 and stressing over SPM. It kind of reminds me a little of me. So I'm rewinding and playing through my memories.

I know how hard it is making decisions and preparing for exams. I've been there. When it comes to making decisions, I didn't really make them. Those of you who know me would know how terribly fickle-minded I am. I can never decide. It doesn't matter what I'm deciding on. It could be something important or something as trivial as the colour of an umbrella. I hate it when I have choices to make. So when I think of being in Form 4 and having to choose the subjects, I don't think I actually did choose the subjects. I didn't drop any from the 10 core subjects and I took two extra subjects. I just wanted to try it out in Form 4. But when it came to Form 5 and I had to register for SPM, I had to pick which subjects I wanted. It was no surprise that I couldn't choose which subjects I wanted. So I kept on deciding. Even after I registered for SPM, I was still deciding. I couldn't come to a decision. Then trials came, and my time to decide was over. I didn't decide, which was why I ended up taking 12 subjects. Haha. It's terrible being like this. I hope that none of you are like me.

And about preparing for exams. Well, one thing I believe in is always giving it your best for every single exam and every single subject. Monthly or mid-year or final-year or major exams. They're all exams. And you should always work hard for every one of 'em. My friends always laughed at me when I studied for subjects like Civic and PJK. I know they're useless subjects, but they're subjects nonetheless. I have something to tell you. Although I studied for every exam that came my way, I was never one to get straight As. It was the same for PMR. I never got straight As for three years, only for PMR. Haha. Even in Form 4 and Form 5, I always fell short of a few As. Haha. But eventhough there were a number of subjects I was weak at, I still didn't drop them (see, I was still deciding although all signs said that I should drop them, haha). I always felt that if I worked hard enough, I could do it. So I stuck to it and did my best. I don't know what results I'll get, but I'll find out in March. Hehe.

While you're in school, you may feel that exams are everything. But I'm here to tell you they're not. They are one of the most important things to students. But not THE most important thing. I used to think that exams were everything. But in Form 4, I started to live a little more. The first three years of school, I was the kind of student who just went to school and did nothing significant. I go to school, fight with teachers (with Encik Yarha lah, but it was no biggie, haha), laugh with friends, do SOME of my homework (lol, XD), go back home. In Form 4, that changed. I don't know why it did and I don't know how it did, but it did. I got involved in activities, clubs, competitions. I started to realize there was more to school than just school. And for those of you who are still in school, I don't know if you've realized that, but I want you to realize that. There is more to school than just school.

School is not about sucky teachers or dumb subjects or illogical rules. It has all those, for sure. But that's not what it's about. And school is not just some building you have to go to for a certain number of years so that you can get out of it and get on with life. I've found out that school is an experience. What you learn there is something you'll never learn anywhere else. Not in college and not in university. You'll learn other things there. It's important to always have your studies in front of you. But don't turn into such a nerd that you miss everything else that you could experience. And I'm talking about the silly and naughty stuff too. Some of you might not believe it, but I wasn't a goody-two-shoes student. I had a problem with authority. Lol. I fought with teachers, I had a profound dislike of prefects, I didn't do my homework, I used liquid paper (and got mine confiscated three times) and I always, always cut class. Haha. Yeah, these may be little things. But my point is, I broke the rules. Haha. But that's what made school fun for me too. I remember clearly fighting with Encik Yarha twice in Form 1 and being asked to stand up during assembly in Form 2. At first, I thought they were bad things. But in retrospect, everything is funnier and cooler. You can laugh at anything if you're standing far enough away. And I'm far enough away. =)

Then there's all the good stuff too. I don't know what you're good at. But I know, without a doubt, that there is something you're good at. You have a talent in something, somewhere. Maybe you know what it is or maybe you don't know yet. But in school is where you'll find out, if you take the initiative to find out. I'm sure you know what you like. I knew what I liked. Which is why I got myself into the kind of activities that had to do with what I liked. Most people would know that I'm not a sporty person. If you make me run 100 meters, you'd better be prepared to take responsibility if I faint halfway. I could get body aches and muscle cramps just by the slightest physical activity. Haha. I am, figuratively speaking, 80 years old. No kidding. Lol. So don't waste your time thinking of school as a waste of time. Do what you like, do what you love.

Another thing I want to say is that SPM is not hard but it's not easy. It's just... SPM. You never know how it's gonna be. It might be hard one year and easy the next. And then again, it might be hard for you but easy for someone else. You can't put a finger on the difficulty of this major exam. It is what it is. So right now, when you know it's in front of you, you'll think it's hard and you can't get pass it. But you can and you will. And I know. 'Cause it's behind me now. I got pass it. I thought I couldn't and I thought I wouldn't, but I did. I worried and I stressed just like you now, and I never stopped worrying and stressing right up till SPM. But throughout the year, I realized that that emotional rollercoaster I put myself on was my own doing. I could choose to get off anytime. And I did get off it, but I got back on and I got off again and got back on again. It was just a routine I repeated throughout the year. It was tiring and terrifying. But I don't regret it. The only way to stop all your dreading is to be here right now, just as you are. It's only January! What you're dreading is a year away or two years away if you're in Form 4. So spend today doing something about it, not dreading it.

I never understood why people wanted to get out of school quickly. I didn't get why they hated school so much and couldn't wait to get into college or start to work or whatever their next step was. I thought about it a bit. And I think I know why. I guess they didn't realize that there's more to school than just school. Just as I don't understand people who don't like school, people don't understand why I love school. I guess they don't know that I realized that there's more to school than just school. =]

As I finish writing this out, it reminds me that I'm gonna face the same things as I start college next week. What's same is that it's gonna be different, but what's gonna change is the kind of difference it brings. D'you get me? So this post is for me as much as it is for you, whoever you are. =)

Just Enough Light

This morning was the first church service of the year 2010. I had only gone to sleep at about half past one the night before. So as I sat in between Jo and Jerry, I was practically dozing off. As I tried to keep my mind awake and alert, one of the uncles stood up and shared. He said that as this new year begins, we don't know whether it's going to be a better year or a worse one. We don't know if our health will improve or if we will suddenly be hit by a sickness. We don't know if we'll get to pursue the course of our choice. We don't know if our studies will bring about good results. We don't know what we don't know, and what we don't know is everything, so basically we don't know anything.

It's only been three days that we've crossed over to a new year. Tomorrow, school reopens. But not for me. I won't be going back to school this year, or any of the years after this. And it feels unusual. I'm not used to it yet. I'm out of school. And I'm getting into college soon enough. It's an all-new environment with new people and new challenges.

As I think about what I heard this morning, I am reminded once again of the fact that I am leaving all the comfort and certainty I have experienced and enjoyed for the past 11 years of my life. I'm stepping out into the unknown, into the darkness. And do you wanna know how I feel? Can I tell you a secret? I'm scared. I am dead scared. But there's just something about fear and the unknown. I'm drawn to it. I love to experiment and experience. I wanna let the fear overwhelm me and then learn to overcome it. I wanna throw myself headfirst into the unknown and make it known.

But what I'm most excited about is what treasures I will find in the darkness. Sometimes I lose my way. As I worry myself about seeing and understanding all that the future holds, I forget that there is one thing that I know about my future. It is that You are in it. Everything else I don't know. Everything else I don't understand. But one thing I know: You are in that darkness and You are in that unknown. With You there, I have nothing to fear or worry about or fret over.

When I'm grappling in the darkness, I search for a light. There are different kinds of light that I encounter. Light that comes from friends, light that comes from family, light that comes from achievements and success, light that comes from material things. But these lights are unreliable. They go out. Only one light is totally reliable and can never be put out: the light that comes from God. The light that is God. Being a child of God, I have a light in me. It is one that shines for all eternity and is never extinguished. The darker the place I am in, the brighter that light in me shines.

It doesn't matter what age you are or what you're going through or have been through. A new year is always frightening. It is filled with surprises and the unexpected. You don't know what you're going to face. You hope for the best and oftentimes, you're unprepared for the worst. I am learning to trust in God. I have many questions. But I don't have any answers. And I think I can live without them. I don't need light to see the rest of 2010. I only need light to see what is right before me.

"For You will light my lamp; the Lord my GOD will enlighten my darkness." Psalm 18:28

Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

I don't know you that well yet. You're still a stranger to me. But I know I'll get to know you better.

You're a big year, aren't you? The year of change and transitions. I don't know what you'll do to me. I don't know what kind of person I'll be at the end of you. I have no clue what's going to happen. But you know, don't you? You've got everything ready for me. It's only a matter of time. You've got feelings for me to explore and parts of me to discover. More pain, more hurt, more joy, more love equals more life.

You've got people for me to meet, things for me to do, places for me to go. I'm sure you're really excited to show me everything you've got in store for me. But if I may say, please don't go too fast. I'm not sure I can keep up. Throw new things at me, I'm ready. But start off slow, then you can speed up. And I'll catch on. Just don't pass me by in a blur. Whatever it is you have for me, I know it's gonna be filled with choices and decisions. I hope I make the right ones. I hope I meet the right people, do the right things, go to the right places. But if - when - I slip up, don't give up on me, OK? Let me learn and teach me. I'm ready to make mistakes.

I don't know who I'm going to lose, 'cause I will, won't I? I hope I don't lose myself, either. I don't want to turn - for the worse - into a completely different person. I always hear people saying that where I'm going is totally different from the life I'm accustomed to. They say I'm heading out into the real world. And I hear that it's scary and it's big. I'm small and have no idea what to expect. But I'm not scared. Maybe 'cause I don't know what's out there. Ignorance is bliss, no? =D

I promise you one thing: I'll fight on no matter what you throw at me. You can hit me and make me fall, but I promise you I will get back up. I've got hope in my heart. It burns with a flame you can't put out. Sometimes the flame is weak, but it's there, it's always there. Well, I'm ready to meet you. Just one more thing, be nice to me. I hope we'll be the best of friends. =)

Love,
Me