One Day At A Time

I'm taking it slow.
Living in the present.
Not thinking about tomorrow.
Just one day at a time.
With enough grace for the moment.
I'm a rollercoaster of emotions. Haha.

This Heart Says...

I wish I had what I needed to be on my own

Cause I feel so defeated and I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land
And all I see, it could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy

I'm starting to think that I don't actually know myself that well.
I only know parts and pieces of myself.

What do I know?
I know I like to have it all together.
I know I like to have everything planned out.
I know I can fall apart easily.
I know I bend until I break.
I know I beat myself up when I don't reach the standard I've set for myself.
I know I don't like losing.
I know I judge myself a lot.
I know I often compare myself to my friends.
I know I have an inferiority complex.
I know I often run my life as a one-man show.
I know I never learn my lessons.
I know I'm weak although I think I'm strong.
I know I think I can handle everything on my own.
I know I've put myself under a lot of pressure this whole year.
I know it hasn't done me any good.
I know I don't know how to stop.
I know I'm lost and afraid and tired.
I know I always feel this way.
I know I hide behind a mask - even from myself, that's why some things about me I don't understand.

What don't I know?
I don't know why I react the way I do. Why did I cry?
I don't know what my body is trying to tell me. Is it to slow down?
I don't know why I can't take it easy.
I don't know how not to worry.
I don't know what's actually going on inside me.
I don't know how to fix what I need to fix.
I don't know why I make the same mistakes.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to feel.
I don't know if I'm doing it right or if I'm doing it all wrong.
I don't know why I don't know what I don't know.

So many lessons You've tried to teach me.
Now, what is it that You want me to learn?
Am I missing the point?
Can You hear me?
Please show me, tell me what to do.
I miss direction most in all this desperation.

Satellite Heart

So pretty, so smart
Such a waste of a young heart
What a pity, what a sham
What's the matter with you, man?

Don't you see it's wrong?
Can't you get it right?
Out of mind and out of sight
Call on all your girls
Don't forget the boys
Put a lid on all that noise

I'm a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I'm spun out so far
You stop, I start
But I'll be true to you

I hear you're living out of state
Running in a whole new scene
You know, I haven't slept in weeks
You're the only thing I see

I'm a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I'm spun out so far
You stop, I start
But I'll be true to you
No matter what you do
Yeah, I'll be true to you

- "Satellite Heart" by Anya Marina

I'm sick again... And my right arm is still swollen from the injection. =(
Just as Amelia said, "How many times you wanna fall sick this year?" Haha.
Comforting myself by listening to Satellite Heart on repeat. =]
Absolutely love this song!

Meet Blitz

This is Blitz.

He is a 2-week old copper-coloured
Siberian Husky with bright blue eyes.
And he is adorably cute! Haha.
Blitzy (as I call him =]) is Mervy's new pet dog.
And he's really playful and active.
Oh man, puppies are soooooooo cute...!

Here are two videos I took of Blitzy playing around.

Now, isn't he cute? =D

Just A Thought - A Crazy Thought XD

This might sound pretty crazy but...
I think that SPM is going to be fun. =]

Me: Mum, I think SPM will be fun.

Mum: *Nods* Yes. It will be if you like studying.

I love my mum. Lol.

So yeah, I think that SPM is going to be fun.

Cause I remember telling Jo this:
"Enjoy your PMR, you only get to sit for it once."
And it's the same for SPM. So I should enjoy SPM,
cause I only get to sit for it once. =)

Ask me again and I might change my mind. XD

Start Your Day Right

When I start the day with You, the rest of the day just takes care of itself.

I don't feel rushed or feel like I'm wasting time.

When I start the day with You, I know the day will take care of itself.

I love You - so much. =)

Fretting Is Futile

I read this in my email:

No one has to remind you of the high cost of anxiety. (But I will anyway.) Worry divides the mind. The biblical word for worry (merimnao) is a compound of two Greek words, merizo (“to divide”) and nous (“the mind”). Anxiety splits our energy between today’s priorities and tomorrow’s problems. Part of our mind is on the now; the rest is on the not yet. The result is half-minded living. That’s not the only result. Worrying is not a disease, but it causes diseases. It has been connected to high blood pressure, heart trouble, blindness, migraine headaches, thyroid malfunctions, and a host of stomach disorders. Anxiety is an expensive habit. Of course, it might be worth the cost if it worked. But it doesn’t. Our frets are futile. Worry has never brightened a day, solved a problem, or cured a disease.

I think I now know why I've been unwell the past few days. Hehe.

You are my Healer. =)

You Are Here... With Me =)

I don't do countdowns.

They freak me out.

And increase my stress level.

But I can't continue being in denial.

SPM is very close; too close for comfort.

I am afraid. I am very afraid.

But in my fear, I find God.

And I know He is waiting in the midst of the storm - the storm I call SPM.

So I say to you, SPM: "Hello... and bring it on! =)"

"In quietness and trust is your strength..." Isaiah 30:15

Inside of Love

D'you know how it feels to suddenly rediscover your love for a certain song?
I just sat at the monitor and scrolled a little then saw Nada Surf
and thought, "Hey, here's a band I haven't heard in awhile."
Then I clicked Inside of Love and as I listened to this song after so long,
I am reminded once again why I love it so much. =)
Read through the lyrics and you'll know what I mean. Hehe.

Watching terrible TV, it kills all thought
Getting spacier than an astronaut
Making out with people I hardly know or like
I can't believe what I do late at night

I wanna know what it's like on the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Only when we get to see the aerial view
Will the pattern show
We'll know what to do
I know the last page so well
I can't read the first
So I just don't start
It's getting worse

I wanna know what it's like on the inside of love
I can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view to be a me with a you

I wanna know what it's like on the inside of love
Of course I'll be alright
I just had a bad night
I had a bad night

Mervy's 19th

Went to Chili's 1U to celebrate Mervy's 19th b'day. I actually wished him a day earlier. *Smacks head* Haha. Dunno why lah. My brain not functioning properly. So I wished him again y'day night when the clock striked 12.

Anyway, it was the four of us: me, Kym, Mervy and Mikey since Jon and Wei Shern aren't around. We had to wait for about half an hour before we got a table. All we did was hang out and talk about all sorts of things. It was nice, cause we haven't done this in a really long time - just hanging out, talking and eating. Lol.

Then we left about 10.30pm. Kym left with Mervy and I left with Mikey. Apparently Kym and Mervy were stuck in a jam and only got home at 12.30am, but me and Mike didn't get into any jam. And it was nice to talk with Mike again. We've had so many conversations in his Vios. Me in the passenger seat and him at the wheel. (Like he said, there's no other way it could be since I can't drive - yet. Haha.)

Bottomless tostada chips (as addictive as French fries)

Lamb chop

Little burgers

Honey chicken crispers

MKMA

The B'day Boy

Authentic Homemade Indian Food

This year, I wasn't invited to any Deepavalli open houses. I know, so sad. T_T Haha. Last two years, I was invited to at least 3 houses, but dunno why this year none lah. Lol. But but, I still got to eat Deepavalli food. Hehe. So where did I get it from? Haha. Dillion drove over and gave me homecooked food. I promised him that I would blog about it so here goes. He gave me three dishes: chicken kurma, chicken curry and mutton all made by his mum with help from him. Hehe. It was really, really good! Even Mum was raving over it. So although I didn't go to any open houses, I still got to eat authentic homemade Indian food. *Satisfied grin*

Happy Deepavalli

As I sit here typing on the keyboard, I can hear intermittent sounds of fireworks shooting up into the sky. I've been listening to it and watching it all night. And while I spend my time looking out the window, I realize something extremely strange. D'you know that when fireworks go up into the sky, it doesn't make any sound? Only when it dissolves, then I hear the "BOOM". How very strange! I thought that maybe that one particular firework had a problem. But as I sat there and continued to watch the fireworks, I realized that it was all the same. All the "BOOM"s came after the fireworks disappeared. Hahaha.

I spent my time at my window, with my camera in hand. I was trying to capture the fireworks cause my camera has this "Fireworks" thingy. Lol. But I dunno why the fireworks never appeared when I was looking. And everytime I turned around, I could hear the "BOOM". So I gave up lah.

Just awhile ago, I was telling my elder brother about my discovery regarding the fireworks and the BOOM after. I sounded very fascinated and eager to tell him about it, as if I was on the verge of discovering something of staggering proportions. The conversation went something like this:

Me: *Blah blah blah... *

Ko: *Grunts* *Covers his head with the pillow*

Me: *Throws the bolster at him*

Ko: Manda, it's not strange lah. It's like the speed of sound and the speed of light. Light travels faster than sound. Example, you see lightning then you hear thunder.

Me: *Mouth open* Wah...... That makes absolute sense! Aiyoh. Ko, you're so smart! *Turns to Mum* Ma, he's so smart. Ko, you should've stayed in Science stream. What you just said sounded so science-y.

Hahaha. If you know me well enough, you would've known how exactly I reacted to what he said. You can say something that sounds really amazing but it might actually just be nonsense, and I would still go, "Wah......" because it sounded amazing. Lol.

Oh yeah. D'you wanna know what's my theory on why Deepavalli is called Deepavalli? Hehehe. Brace yourselves. This will be extremely lame. So Deepavalli is the Festival of Lights right? They call it that because the oil lamps during Deepavalli will always shine as bright as ever even in a place as DEEP as a VALLEY. Hahahahaha. Now I shall go jump off a cliff so that I don't have to see all your faces go... "=O She is so lame!" Hehe. Sorry lah. I really am so lame.

To end this post:

DEEPAVALLI VALTELKEL!
To all who celebrate the
Festival of Lights =)

Dance, Dance

The photo above is me and Yoke Pei in a club. =D

OK. I know you don't believe me. Haha. Although it does look like we're clubbing. Lol. The real photo is below.
What a vast difference. So anyway, I'm listening to dance music now. That's why I feel like blogging about it. I always think that I'll fit in nicely in a club. Cause I've been listening to a lot of dance music and I can dance - kind of - OK, I can't, not exactly. Hahaha. Several words to describe the way I dance is: ridiculous, amusing, funny, entertaining... nowhere near good or talented. Lol.

And me and Yoke Pei always talk about how when we reach the age where we can enter clubs (what age is that? I don't even know, lol) then we'd totally go clubbing together. Cause I'd really want to get to dance. Since I haven't ever got a chance to dance. (As recently as this year, I was supposed to be in the Jai Ho dance in school, but they kicked me off T_T. But only because they had enough people. Still, I think I was first choice to be kicked off the team. Hahaha.) Then again, I don't really know how clubs are. Haha. I only know them through movies with bouncers and fake IDs. Lol.

But I gotta feeling that it would be interesting to see the inside of a club and to experience clubbing. Disco balls and all. Or do they actually have disco balls? I've only ever seen a disco ball in movies like Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Maybe they don't have it anymore. Haha. Aiyoh. I sound like an oldie now. Hehe.

Anyway, below are some photos from Graduation Day since I won't be creating an album on Facebook. Happy viewing! =)

Handy Manny

As some of you know, one of my favourite TV shows is Handy Manny. Haha. It's about a repairman called Manny who lives in Sheet Rock Hills and his talking tools. I watch it everyday at 11am and 2.30pm on Playhouse Disney. Why do I still watch cartoons although I am already 17? Correction. I don't still watch cartoons. I never got the chance to watch cartoons when I was younger. There's a difference. Hehe. So if you think I'm childish, cut me some slack lah. I never got a proper childhood. Lol.

Anyway, in the month of September, Playhouse Disney held a contest. All you have to do is watch the new episodes and answer a simple question. So of course I was totally excited about it and wanted to win. But there was a problem. I was not between the age of 2 to 7 years. I was born 10 years too early. Lol. However, that did not stop me. I entered the contest anyway. And lo and behold, I was one of the winners! Hahaha. Seriously, I was so happy. Then I waited for my prize to be mailed to me. I waited and waited... and waited. But I didn't get any call informing me that I won or anything of the sort. So I kinda gave up hope lah. Takpe lah. Considering I shouldn't've won it in the first place. Hehe.

But but, today I came home from school. Then Jo called me over and pointed at a Longchamp box. Perasan as I am, I was like, "Is that for me? A handbag? I don't really want a Longchamp bag." Then he opened it and I saw this big brown envelope with my name on it and a postage stamp from Singapore. Below it was some other postage thingy that said: "Towel, bath gel." And then I SCREAMED. For joy. Hahaha. And then I kept shouting in glee, "Handy Manny! Handy Manny!" Man, I have never screamed for joy like this since Dad bought me a water heater for my PMR results. Lol.

So I won a Handy Manny towel and a Flicker bath gel. (Flicker is one of the tools, he's a flashlight.) Oh yeah, in the big brown envelope was a note that read:

Dear Contestant,

Congratulations! You have won in our Playhouse Disney Handy Manny Towel Set
Giveaway Contest! Here is your Handy Manny towel and bath gel set prize.

We thank you for your participation and continued support for Playhouse Disney.

Your friends at Playhouse Disney.

Haha. I have friends at Playhouse Disney. *Silly grins* So yeah lah. That was what made my day. I love Handy Manny =)

Speak, Move, Think, Feel

Humans are incredible creatures. We speak, move, think and feel.

I don't think I've ever really thought about it. How incredibly different and incredibly special we are compared to the million other creatures that roam this earth. We are so, so blessed to be what we are.

To be able to speak and let known our feelings. I know how it feels to want to say something so badly, but to not be able to - for all sorts of reasons. Everyday I say so many things, but I can't remember even half of what I said. And that's cause the things that I said didn't matter. It's funny how the things that matter are the things that we don't say. We expend so much energy beating around the bush and not saying what we really want to say. So many empty words that could have held so much meaning in them. I guess the reason why we don't say what we want to say is because we are afraid of what others might say in return. We have expectations. And when people fall short of those expectations, we get hurt and we pull back. But it is so much better to say what you want to say, no matter what happens after that. To know that you did everything you could, you said everything you needed to say and you let it all out. No regrets. I love that feeling... of taking that risk. I'm afraid of that feeling, but I love it anyway. Love and fear. Curiosity and bravery. We know that we can get hurt, but we want to do it anyway, because we know that maybe, just maybe it would all be worth it. That's what's amazing about humans.

To use our body to move. What do you use your hands for? I use my hands to write and to play music. I think it is so amazing that we are each born left-handed, right-handed or ambidextrous. And we learn to hold a pencil in our hand and write letters which turn into words and express what we feel. With our hands, we play instruments. Whether we strum a guitar or we bang a piano, it's music anyway. Haha. And that music can lift us up. An instrument is just an instrument if left alone. But when we learn to play them and use our fingers to create music, the instrument comes alive. I find that so mind-boggling. A lifeless object that begins to produce such sweet sounds when a person works his or her magic on it. What do you use your feet for? To walk and to run. It's amazing when I think of the fastest human on earth. How can anyone run that fast? I would think it humanly impossible. Lol. What do you use your eyes for? To see. Each of us see life differently. I view the world through my eyes. But if I were to view the world through your eyes, it would be completely different. I also think that eyes are the windows to our souls. You can look out but you can also look in. A person can lie, but the truth always shows in their eyes. I love that about humans. We try so hard to cover ourselves up and hide ourselves from the world, but our eyes give us away.

To have our mind as a secret place where our thoughts, hopes and dreams are. Each of us have our own hopes and dreams for our lives. In our mind, we form ideas of what we would want our lives to be. And with our mind, we make it happen. Don't understand what I mean? It is what takes root in our mind that turns into our desires and then our actions and so determine our decisions which life is so full of. Where there's a will, there's a way, yes? All it takes is that passion, that spark to start it all. You know what you want and you do what it takes. Nothing is easy. Everything needs effort. We may fall but the starting point of getting back up takes place in the mind. You make a conscious decision that nothing will bring you down.

To have a heart that is more than an organ; a heart that feels emotions that sometimes even our brains cannot deconstruct and comprehend. It's strange how when you feel pain, your mind registers it but your heart feels it. You don't get a headache; you get a heartache. The human heart is not just a mere organ. It's an emotional living thing. It beats not just because it has to, but because you will it to. I am so amazed when I look at my dogs and think, "They are living things. Real living things. They have hearts that beat that I can feel." But their hearts are different from ours. Ours function to keep us alive but it also helps us to feel. Imagine if your mind says you are in pain but you don't feel it. You know you're in pain but nothing else tells you that you are. Then it doesn't matter. I wouldn't want to be like that again. To have a heart of stone. To shut myself from all feeling. To lock my heart and throw away the key. I want to feel, whether or not it brings hurt or joy. I want to feel, cause I was made to feel. Humans are made to feel. Our hearts help us do that.

I always hear people say that everyone's special. And most of us might scoff and say that if everyone's special, then no one's special. But we are. All of us are special. We can all speak, move, think and feel. But we all speak, move, think and feel differently. No matter how subtle our differences may be, we ARE different. And that's what makes us special. The little details. When you take the time to know a person, they become special to you because it's the little quirks about them that make them special. It's the way they laugh when you say something incredibly lame. It's the way they notice when something's not right with you. It's the way they say something to you just by looking at you. It's the way they make you smile when they do something ridiculously cute. It's the way they make you feel when they're around. They're special because we know them for who they really are. People are flawed and broken when you get to really know them, but that's the beauty of it. I love people. But most of all, I love You for making us in Your image.

I Am A Secondary School Graduate XD

Today was Graduation Day for all Form 5s. I remember Nicole telling me how everyone was crying and it was such an emotional time at their graduation last year. And I thought to myself, "Ha! I definitely won't be one of those tearing up at graduation. It would take more than that to make me cry." Hehe. Yah lah. I'm heartless and emotionless. Sue me. Haha.

I had to shake hands with so many people (mostly strangers - which include both other people's parents and teachers whom I did not have the pleasure of knowing). I could feel my fake smile. It felt so not genuine lah. Lol. At the end of it, a lot of students were crying and all. I didn't feel anything lah. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with my emotional circuit. Haha. Like there's a loose wire or something. How come I'm not moved by things like this? My five years in secondary school mean a whole lot to me, and yet as I am reminded (in a big, in-your-face, annual official school event like this), I feel... NOTHING. I was wondering what the big deal was. Heck, we'll be seeing all these teachers on Wednesday. But I guess that's where I missed the point of this whole Hari Graduasi.

But one thing today did to me was it made me think of those five years and what actually made them mean a lot to me. No, it was not because of the amount of knowledge I gleaned from five years of academic torture. Haha. It was, without a doubt, the friends and the teachers. That thought didn't make me feel sappy and teary-eyed. I guess five years is just right. It's not too short and it's not too long. It's short enough to make you go, "OK, that's it. Five years is my limit. Time to get out of this pinafore." And it's long enough to make you go, "Alright. That was enough. Five years was enough for me to make memories that will last a lifetime."

I thought that I would miss secondary school and it would be a challenge for me to move out of this comfort zone. With school, it was so easy. I'm placed in this confined space where I go to five days a week. I learn a fixed amount of subjects and am given the flexibility to take additional subjects. I can take whatever extracurricular activities according to my fancy. All I have to do is wear a pinafore and abide to the rules made by the school authorities. Simple enough. Five years of your life settled as such.

However, as the year inches closer to an end, I am raring to get out of these past five years so dominated by routine and pattern. I am ready to say goodbye to tuitions and study in an air-conditioned environment. Haha. Secondary school will always be what it is - a special time of my life that taught me to live, laugh and love. And it's gonna be over soon. My time is up. And that's OK. Cause I had just enough time. =)

P.S. Now that I am a secondary school graduate, I believe that I no longer need to abide by the school rules. So, people, let's all dress in our casuals and I'll see you in school this Wednesday. Haha! =D

The Voice In My Head

The voice in my head says:

"You can't do it. You won't make it. You were never good enough.

What were you thinking? It was all just a lie.
Telling yourself that there's still time and all you have to do is work hard.
If you can't do it, you can't. End of story. No use pretending that you can.
You can try. But why try when you won't make it?

You're weak. And lousy. You're not gonna get there.
Stop trying. It's just going to add to your pain anyway.
How many times do you wanna fail until you accept that it's not enough?
You're not enough.

Stay away from everyone else. It will do them good.
You can continue being the way you are.
It's happened to you more than once this year.

Maybe I'm just the voice in your head.
Maybe you're only hearing me now.
But maybe... I'll hang around."

Dogs Are The Cutest Animals On Earth =D

I want more dogs! Haha.

For those of you who don't know, I already have three dogs at home:
Napoleon (a Golden Retriever), Pepper (a Miniature Schnauzer) and
Ginger (a Silky Terrier mix something).

But these dogs are so darn adorable.
Tell me if they don't make you go, "Aww..." Hehe.

West Highland White Terrier
Uber cute! =]

French Bulldog
OK, maybe some of you might think that it's not cute, but it is!
Like Mum once said, "It's cute because it's ugly." Haha.

Portuguese Water Dog
Obama's dog is this breed. I didn't know there was
such a breed until they bought it.
But it is so cute. Curly hair and beady eyes. Lol.

These Strings + My Fingers = Music

My fingers hurt so bad from playing so much... =(

I'm gonna take a break and not play my guitar for the next
few days to keep my fingers fine for Saturday... =)

Days Like This One =)

Today we (JOLA) celebrated Yoke Pei's 17th b'day. She's the youngest. I know, it's a bit strange since I should be the youngest as I am more of the baby of the group. Haha. But no, I am the oldest! No kidding. Haha. So we brought her out to 1U. And we ate at Chili's. Spent three hours there wei. I can only ever do that with those three. I really ate a lot. Haha. Anyway, here are a few of my fave shots from today.



Days like this one remind me of how blessed I am to have such a special group of friends. Everytime I'm with them, I'm reminded of how much I love them and how much I'm loved (ahem, ahem, I truly believe with all my heart that y'all do love me ah XD). Hehe. Friendships can't get any better than this =]

And to my dear Bumble Chua: We look really good in the above shot. Can totally be gangster leaders lah. Haha. I hope your seventeenth was a memorable one. Although we've only known each other for almost a year now, we've experienced so much together. Haha. How long we've been friends doesn't matter lah. What we've done in that time is what matters. Hehe. So here's to a friendship that's as long-lasting as a circle. Lol. God bless you always...

Yes, I got a new template. =) After dunno how many years, I've gotten bored of my old template. Haha. I guess I only get bored with things after a really long time. So that's good, right?

Anyway, guess where I went y'day? To the semi finals of the Malaysian Open! Haha. Me, Amanda Hoi, who has never watched a single full tennis game. Lol. So we had free tickets: two VIP and two premium. Me and Jo took took the VIP tickets for the Davydenko vs Soderling game and the premium tickets for the Gonzalez vs Verdasco game. When we arrived, the fellar who tore our ticket stubs gestured to a guy and said, "Ey, VIPs." Haha. Then he led us away from the crowd to another entrance that had a sign over it that read, "VIP/VVIP". Man, was I stoked! Haha. After that, a lady took us, then another two more girls after that. Hwa liau eh. Me and Jo were escorted by four people, and we were walking on a red carpet. It was as if me and Jo were Datuk and Datin punya anak. Haha. Awesomeness.

Then we sat and watched the game loh. Davydenko is really cute lah, cause he's bald and all. And bald people are cute, OK. Like Volker. But I was more excited for the later game, cause Gonzalez is so rugged and Verdasco is so handsome. Lol. That game was even better than the earlier one. At the end of the day, I was tired but also happy because the guys that I rooted for got into the finals. Today, I found out that Davydenko won. That's OK, since I like 'em both. Hehe.

Ah, this is refreshing. Typing in a different font and using a different template. Change is good, yes? Haha.