This Heart Says...

I wish I had what I needed to be on my own

Cause I feel so defeated and I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land
And all I see, it could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy

I'm starting to think that I don't actually know myself that well.
I only know parts and pieces of myself.

What do I know?
I know I like to have it all together.
I know I like to have everything planned out.
I know I can fall apart easily.
I know I bend until I break.
I know I beat myself up when I don't reach the standard I've set for myself.
I know I don't like losing.
I know I judge myself a lot.
I know I often compare myself to my friends.
I know I have an inferiority complex.
I know I often run my life as a one-man show.
I know I never learn my lessons.
I know I'm weak although I think I'm strong.
I know I think I can handle everything on my own.
I know I've put myself under a lot of pressure this whole year.
I know it hasn't done me any good.
I know I don't know how to stop.
I know I'm lost and afraid and tired.
I know I always feel this way.
I know I hide behind a mask - even from myself, that's why some things about me I don't understand.

What don't I know?
I don't know why I react the way I do. Why did I cry?
I don't know what my body is trying to tell me. Is it to slow down?
I don't know why I can't take it easy.
I don't know how not to worry.
I don't know what's actually going on inside me.
I don't know how to fix what I need to fix.
I don't know why I make the same mistakes.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to feel.
I don't know if I'm doing it right or if I'm doing it all wrong.
I don't know why I don't know what I don't know.

So many lessons You've tried to teach me.
Now, what is it that You want me to learn?
Am I missing the point?
Can You hear me?
Please show me, tell me what to do.
I miss direction most in all this desperation.