I Can't Believe I'm Actually Posting This When End Yr Exams Are Just Beginning

First, I'm most probably writing this cos I'd lik to put my memories of how I felt during a rather trying time so tht I could look bak on it and be reminded of how I actually think cos it jus sort of vanishes when evryting works out again.

So, four days. It felt more lik four years. Exams were around the corner. Feelings and thoughts were a barricade to revisions. Things seemed bent on being dead wrong. But I pulled thru. Rather, He pulled me thru. It might've not felt the way I s'posed it was, but ntg else could've sustained me. Definitely not my own strength. Could this be becoming closer? Or is it jus wat I hope I shud be thinking, and therefore was thinking, knwing also tht it might jus be me thinking and not it actually being true. (A resounding 'Wow' echoes in my head as I take the time to realize I've written a sentence lik tht.) Altho I'm sure I'm sincere and really hoping tht it's truly growth tht's bringing me to think of it lik this.

Anyway, all I thought of, dreamed of revolved around the same thing. Such fervent prayers showed tht it was really what I want. But when it came, once again, tht same feeling jus disappeared - so quickly. When I feel pain, I think, 'Pls take it away,' but when pain is actually gone, I go, 'Mayb I might've been able to manage actually; I should've tried'. Madness, u think? But it is as it seems. Things are peaceful now. Feels weird, cos there's nvr really peace in between. Now I'm wondering whether I jus missed my chance of finally being free, tho it certainly didn't feel tht way. Could be it was jus the beginning stages. But there should be other chances to break it? Takes me thru a whirlwind ride evry single day.

But I knw full well how I actually feel, the feeling tht I don't feel until the moment comes - in desperation - tht it emerges and overwhelms me tht I can't understand why it's even there. Still, if I actually felt it when evryting was alright, I guess I'd really cherish in such a way tht I'd be enjoying it very much. Gah, do any of u reading this get wat I mean?

OK, 1st day of exams, I spent a lot of minutes talking to GOD. It must've been the first time I've ever spoken to Him lik tht. Jus telling Him, asking Him. Difficult tho, cos it feels lik a one-sided conversation. I was thinking today, mayb He is answering, jus tht they can't be heard. Surely He won't jus sit silently? No, of course not. Responses will come, for the joy's in the waiting. Jus help me rmb tht, Lord.