Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

You've been amazing. I don't think I can thank you enough for being such a wonderful year.

I'll always remember you for the people you've brought into my life. New ones and old ones. Even until the last few days of the year, you let me meet people: those that I knew and those that I have never seen in my entire life. You've really piled on surprises on me, haven't you? I guess you must feel pretty good about yourself. Haha.

And all the things you let me experience! I didn't know you had so much prepared for me. Just waiting for me to reach them. You threw so many things at me. Right from the start, you got me into all kinds of things. I thought I couldn't do it, but as is always the case with me, I went ahead with it anyway. I took on challenges I wasn't sure I was even cut out for. But you knew I was ready. You knew I needed the challenges and you knew that I would come out from it even better than before. My tears turned to joy. My stress turned to a smile. =)

You gave me so many good things. One after another, you never stopped giving. They made me appreciate you even more. Some of them started out bad, but in retrospect, they were good things. You made me grow. You stretched me and pulled me and pushed me. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't go any further, that I reached my limit. But you wouldn't listen. You said that I could go further and I still had a long way to go before I reached my limit. And you were right.

One thing I still don't understand is why you had to come and go in a hurry. Were you in a rush? Didn't you wanna hang around? Now your time is up. But you've used your time well. Again, I thank you. I'll miss you.

Love,
Me

New Year's Eve

I woke up this morning to the last day of 2009. And I didn't think about that. Maybe 'cause my mind was so occupied with the three dreams I had last night. Or maybe 'cause my body ache was still around and it was, obviously, aching. Or maybe it was both.

So only now I'm thinking about it. The years before this, I was always filled with a tinge of sadness when it came to the last day of the year. I was always terribly reluctant to let go of the year, thinking that I could actually hold on to it. Ever tried getting a grasp on time? It's impossible. If you tried, you'd end up feeling hopeless. Instead, you should let it take you over. Let time play its game.

How will you spend your last day of 2009? So far, my schedule looks pretty interesting. I have to clean up my room and pack school books. Yup. I am excited. Haha. But apart from that, usually I spend every New Year's Eve in church, for watchnight service. I'm not really one for countdown parties and the sort. I don't understand why anyone would want to be in a crowded place and scream 10 to 0 and then party the night away. After that, you leave for home with a bad headache and feeling a little bit disoriented. I mean, that moment when 2009 turns to 2010, it's s'posed to hold meaning. I'd rather sit quietly and deliberate on all 2009 was to me and look ahead to 2010. I don't wanna miss the moment the clock ticks 12 midnight by dancing and jumping with a bunch of strangers.

I'm thankful that I went to camp after Christmas. I didn't want to end the year without gaining a new perspective on my life in God's sight. So when I was in camp, God shifted my view to be aligned to His view. I guess I didn't realize that my path was a little crooked. But now I do. I don't know exactly what I have to do. I don't know exactly how I have to do it. But right now I'm just thankful that I know I have to do something.

I guess when a year ends and another begins, it's not really a closing of a chapter of your life and starting a new one. Sometimes it feels that way. But it's actually a continuation. Life isn't filled with stops and gos. It goes on. A part of your life overlaps with another which overlaps with another.

This day feels just like any other normal day. I guess it doesn't know that it's the last day of the year. It doesn't know that it's New Year's Eve. But I know, and you know. So let's make it special. Whatever it is you plan to do as 2009 turns to 2010, make it a little more than just another day.

Hello from Singapore

Hello from Singapore! Haha. I am now blogging from Ko Jeremy's laptop. This is the first time I'm blogging from outside Malaysia. Cool cool. Lol.

So the trip was pretty fast. Although it took like, five hours, it didn't feel that long. Oh, and there was this woman who was in the bus. She was so, so talkative. And she spoke extremely loudly too. I felt like throwing my phone at her. Seriously. Haha. The weirdest thing is that, she came on the bus alone lah, but she started talking to this man, who was with his wife, and the entire time, the man totally ignored his wife 'cause the other woman was going on and on about anything and everything. They were all in their fifties, I think.

I've only been here for several hours. But I've already got around to some shopping. Haha. It is the main thing that I'm gonna do here anyway. So I bought a pair of yellow Nikes. *Grins* Ah. Yellow makes me happy. Now that I've got a brand new pair of shoes, I should start exercising. Haha. Although I always say that I'll never exercise, a small part of me is secretly afraid that I will develop diseases and health problems before I actually become old. Lol. I'm planning to make Wei Shern or Michael take me exercising. 'Cause they're the only ones who actually go to the gym and run and do, ya know, healthy stuff. Ooh, and my dearest brother, Jo. Hehe.

Jo and my sister, Michelle are playing Guitar Hero now. Oh my, Jo sucks. Hahaha. OK lah. I'll tell you more about my Singapore trip tomorrow or something. When I've actually gone out and about. Hehe. Aight. Back to IM-ing Mikey. Buhbye.

Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.

Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is a serious disease which can lead to congestive heart failure.

- The Big Bang Theory, Season 3

Now I know why I woke up with the word "cardiomyopathy" on my mind. Haha. And I must say, The Grinch is my all-time favourite Christmas movie. =D

The Gift

Christmas is coming - again. Are you excited? Is it your favourite festival of the year? It is for me. There's just something about Christmas, innit. It could be the lights, the (non-existent on this side of the globe) snow, the gifts, the food, the songs. Whatever it is, there's just something that makes Christmas so different from every other festival that mankind celebrates throughout the year.

Every year, I am always faced with the question of "What is Christmas?" And I haven't actually thought about it - until today. I was sitting in church paying half attention to the speaker. My mind was flitting in and out of the hall. But the speaker started talking about how one would show Christmas kindness and to whom. The obvious answers were to orphans and old folks. What do you give them? Food to eat, clothes to wear, toys to play. Simple enough, no? And then he asked us if these things are really what they want. The honest answer is no, it's not. What they want is not material things or daily necessities. What they want is love and family.

The speaker had mentioned something about gifts. When I actually think about it, I can't remember what I got last Christmas or the Christmas before last. And quite frankly, if I can't remember it, I sure don't know where it is right now. The gifts that we get mean something to us when we get it. But after that, it just gets misplaced or unused. What we place value on today may lose all value tomorrow. I may think that I want this thing and I need it, for whatever reason. But if I were to be absolutely honest with myself, I don't really need it. I just want it. And if I were to really look at what I have, I would realize that I have more than enough. I just need to learn to be content and know the difference between what I want and what I need.

And then there are gifts that you get for people. What is a gift, really? It's an expression of your love, as I heard today. It shows that you care for someone enough to take the time and effort to buy them something, and not just anything, but something that you've given a lot of thought to. I think of all the gifts that I could give the people I love. And you could buy so many things. But I doubt they will need any of them. Only the world makes it seem as if we need to have this or that.

But there is one gift that is always there for the taking every year. It's THE gift. The one that everyone needs (although not everyone realizes it), the one that lasts, the one that you won't misplace or leave unused. Christmas is not about stuffed turkeys, mince pies, carols, Santa Claus, presents and whatever else you may associate with it. It is a time for people to stop and look back on the year. It makes you think of what you've done in the past year and ultimately, what you're doing in life. For some, it's a time to find THE gift. For others, it's a time to remember what makes the gift THE gift. Do you have it? It's there for the taking. Open it, unwrap it, take it.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

"To see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and what I'm trying to say is, I think I love you. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

- Stardust

To Dare, To Risk, To Chance

Ah! I haven't been posting as much as I did in November. Haha. Oh no. I don't wanna lose my serial blogger streak. So here I am, trying to think of what I want to say. I'm sitting in front of the monitor and wondering what thoughts are going to flow out of my head. This is exciting. Lol. Just sitting and waiting.

*

OK. Let's ask some questions. Have you taken any risks in life? Any chances? Do something crazy or well, maybe not crazy, just something you wouldn't usually do? To me, taking a risk is doing something you wouldn't do. It's something that gives you a rush and makes you feel alive.

It can range from the weirdest and extreme things to the simple and complex decisions we need to make everyday. I've eaten a cricket skewered on a stick. I've bungee jumped straight into a lake. I've danced my heart away in front of a crowd although it made me look demented. I've walked in the rain without an umbrella and ran the risk of inducing the failure of my weak immune system. Those are weird and extreme. And then there are the other risks you take. Deciding what to do with your life after school. Contemplating whether or not you should give your heart to this one person. Letting your feelings unravel in front of people. Taking up a challenge you're not sure you're cut out for. And one other thing for me, choosing what to eat. Lol.

Taking chances is a scary thing. 'Cause it puts you out of your comfort zone. A part of you wants to stay safe and secure. The other part of you is excited and longing to know what will happen if you take that chance. The feeling that you get when you take a risk is very much like bungee jumping. When I went bungee jumping, they brought me high, high up. From that point I could see above everything else. My arms are open wide, ready to grab the air as I fall. Then I took the plunge and fell straight down. It was so exhilarating that I couldn't even find my voice in order to scream. Then I start swinging like a pendulum and everything's upside down. Haha. But I see everything right side up again.

It's a wonderful thing when you take a risk. And the kind of risks I'm talking about is when you're following your heart. It's scary at first, but it always turns out OK. When the risks you take are ones that you are motivated by with all your heart, then you will not regret it. Because the risks and the chances that you take make you who you want to be. If you don't take the risk, you'll always wonder and feel like you should've done this or that. The saddest sentences always start with, "If only... "

Risks open up a world of possibility. Just like when I stood high above the world with my arms wide open, so when I take a risk, I stand above the world of possibility with my arms wide open. It gives me hope and belief. And that's what we all need, isn't it? So often we are held back by what we think are our limitations. But these limitations are imaginary. They are only in your head. And they have a name: fear. What you ought to listen to is in your heart. There is something big in you waiting to happen. And only when you believe that you can do everything you want to do and be everything you want to be, then the time will come. Each and every one of your dreams will come true one day.

To dare, to risk, to chance is to lose your footing momentarily. It is to hang in the balance only by a thread. It is to jump into the deep end knowing that you have small lungs, like me. Lol. It is to throw yourself off a cliff when you only have a rough idea of how to fly. But to dare, to risk, to chance is most of all, to live.

The Little Prince

Just wanted to share some of my favourite quotes from a beloved book, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

I did not really know what to say. I felt like a blundering idiot. I did not know how to reach him, where to catch up with him. It is such a secret place, the land of tears.

It is lonely when you're among people, too.

To me, you are still only a small boy and I have no need of you. And you in turn have no need of me. To you, I'm just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you shall be unique in the world. To you, I shall be unique in the world.

There is no shop where friends can be bought, so people no longer have friends. If you want a friend, tame me. You have to be very patient. First, you will sit down a short distance away from me. I shall watch you and you will say nothing; words are the source of misunderstandings. But each day you may sit a little closer to me.

Happiness has its price.

You are nothing like my rose. As yet you are nothing at all. You are beautiful but you are empty. One could not die for you. My rose, in herself, matters more than all of you together.

Now here is my secret: you can only see things clearly with your heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.

It is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes your rose so important.

What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it is hiding a well.

When you have got over your loss (for we always do), you'll be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend.

Some of the Best Days of My Life

I'm back from Port Dickson! Can't believe that I've finished my SPM and returned from a holiday - in this one week alone. I'm missing the place already. But everything has to end. Especially holidays. Haha. So anyway, I had a smashing time! It was hands down the best holiday I have ever had. Hehe. Let me tell you all about it, aight?

We left at about 10.30. Dad took the coastal road so we got to see a lot of small towns and plantations. Pretty cool. Hehe. And of course, since our heads were still full of what we studied for SPM, we were talking about mirages and pneumatophores. What bugsies. Lol. Reached Avillion at about 2. The place looked beyond awesome. Me and Nette were all, "Whoa!" Haha. The first chalet we got didn't even have a proper view of the sea and it wasn't even out to sea. So we decided to upgrade to the premium water chalet. They gave us the one right next to Avi Spa and was furthest out to sea. So that one was really nice.

The first day itself we did a lot. Explored the resort and then at night we went to The Galley, a bar. Hung out there for quite awhile before spending a few hours at the beach. I had a great time just talking and sharing with Jessica, Nette and Yoke Pei. Oh, how I love them. =)

When we headed back to the chalet, guess what happened? A lizard almost fell on my head when I went to open the door. It only just barely missed me. Haha. Then when I entered the chalet, I found a cockroach in the toilet. Screamed and ran out to the room. Me and Nette tried to kill it with a glass of hot water and an umbrella. Lol. They were the only weapons we could think of using at the time. It didn't work so we had to run out of the toilet and rethink our plan. Haha. That's when I saw the cockroach come out into the room and I started pointing and screaming. And the other three ran so fast to the other side of the room! Hahaha. My first instinct was to run too, but if I did, then the cockroach would still be alive. So I wore my Crocs and started stamping the cockroach to death. After that, I was literally shaking wei. Usually I kill cockroaches with aerosol spray. Haha.

The next day we were out at the beach. Went kayaking. It was my first time but I daresay I was pretty good at it. I paired with Nette and we were such a team! Hehe. Left, right, left, right, straight ahead... Haha. The other two were going around in circles. Lol. That night, we went for dinner at Crow's Nest restaurant in the resort. Later, we headed to the beach and spent about two hours there with the guitar. Then we had a midnight swim. Me and Nette left for the chalet to bathe first whilst the other two continued to swim. But there were no towels, so me and Nette just walked back. It was so, so cold! The wind was so strong. And when we entered the chalet, the air cond and fan were on at full blast so it was even colder than outside. Then Nette went to bathe while I stood outside wrapped in a towel and dripping wet. Haha. After that I went to get the other two and brought 'em their towels. Then that night Jessica did some sand thingy for all of us. Very cool. Hehe. Nette and Pei urut my arms cause they were aching so much from kayaking.

And so quickly, the final day came. We had breakfast and then me, Nette and Pei went to the animal farm. I'd been wanting to go since I found out Avillion had an animal farm. So I was really psyched when I got to go. They had rabbits, peacocks, guinea pigs, chickens, roosters and tortoises. I fed the rabbits and chickens, and a rooster perched on my arm! I was like a madly happy kid who had been let loose into a toy store and allowed to get whatever she wanted. XD The animal farm really made my day. After that, we checked out at 12 and said goodbye to Avillion. =(

1, 2, 3... Haha

Look at my hair! Haha.

Randall Jack aku yang tersayang XD

Calcium carbonate!

Love Nette's face, haha

I'm sunburnt and sleepy, Pei is just posing =P

Junior the rooster

My fave one-week-old rabbit

We'll come back and stay in Room 609 again, yes? =)

My three days at Avillion were really amazing. Firstly, I had an absolutely smashing time with three people that I love with all my heart. It's so cool that we got the opportunity to spend three days together alone. Hehe. We got closer - if that's at all possible, considering how close we already are =] - over those three days. Other than that, I've never really gotten a chance to be close to nature. But staying in Port Dickson was a first-hand encounter with nature. The sound of the waves and the myriad noises that come from the many insects were soothing and calming. It rocked me to sleep. I see Your handiwork in the stars, the sun, the sky, the sea. And I see Your handiwork in the three very special people that I spent the last three days with. Thank You for giving me the chance to take time away and behold Your creation in all its glory. But teach me also to see Your creation in my daily life. It doesn't matter where I am. Everything I see comes from You. I love You for taking me on this holiday, because these were some of the best days of my life. =]

17 posts ago I was just about to begin my SPM. 17 posts later and I'm done with my SPM. *Grins*

So how do I reward myself after sitting for secondary school exams - once and for all?

I go on a holiday! I grab three of my bestest friends in the whole wide world, pack a bag filled with just enough clothes (plus sunscreen and shades, of course), bring my beloved guitar along and escape from the normal routine of life for three days. In Port Dickson there is a chalet sitting on the shallow waters of the Straits of Malacca waiting for me. And I'm coming... in a matter of hours! =)

Don't you think that I just know how to live it up? =P Haha.

Goodbye, dear readers! Miss me OK? Lol. And goodbye, blog! I'll be back real soon. And you'll be flooded with pictures. That, I promise. =]

The Clock Ticks Time Away

A lot of people in church asked me this: "So, excited or not?" Cause SPM is gonna end on Tuesday for me lah. Everytime anyone asks me that, I actually have to stop and think, and my answer is just a shrug. I'm not excited. I don't feel anything. I guess I will be - or I am - happy. I dunno. Haha.

SPM has really shown me how time flies, literally. I don't think I've ever been more aware of time and how quickly it passes me by. Just sometime ago I was counting down 25 papers and 12 subjects. Now I've got 3 papers and 1 subject left. How did I get here? From 18th November to 6th December. Did I blink and miss everything? Lol. It was so fast. Too fast.

I know that when I started SPM I knew that it would be over and done with soon enough. But when I was in the second week, I felt like it was taking so long that I wouldn't be surprised if I grew older by another two years already. And then I finished the third week, and I was stumped. What? I only have one more day of SPM left? Oh no, oh no... It's ending. My last day of school for the rest of my life is coming and I don't know what to do. How do I make it special? Take my time and pack my bag (and risk Jessica nagging me to hurry up and why I'm suddenly taking such a long time to pack)? Walk extremely slowly down the stairs (and brace myself for the many whispered complaints from the people behind me who wanna get out of school as quickly as possible)? Haha.

I guess trying to make it special will make it not special. When you try to make your last school day special by doing all kinds of things that you normally wouldn't do, then it's not special anymore. Cause what makes it special is it's your last day doing what you always do in school. Packing your school bag at your normal pace, walking down the stairs and laughing with your friends... The one thing that's gonna change is that you'll stop and turn to look at your school one last time before you step out the school gates. Don't rush out. I hope you don't rush out. Don't get caught up in all the joy of finishing SPM that you forget to stop and look at your school for the last time. It's the last time you'll ever feel that comfortable, like you belong here. Cause the next time you step into this school, it's not your school anymore. It's not the same anymore. You're not a school student. That time's long gone. So... don't rush out lah OK? Haha.

We are never going to be the people we are now.
Things will never be the way they are now.
I am never going to know you the way I do now.
You are never going to meet the me you know now.
You and I will change. And the people we are now will disappear.
And that makes me sad. Because I really, really like the you I know right now.

Living, Breathing, Loving Life

Life doesn't happen to everyone.

Have you ever thought of that? You're alive. You're living, breathing. You're a human being with a soul. You're you. Special in every way, different in every aspect.

And this life only happens once. It doesn't happen to everyone, but when it does, it only happens once. You get one shot. It's hard, it's painful, it's complicated and we barely make it. But life is, above all else, beautiful. We love until we die. We feel until we die. Our hearts beat and break.

I look around me and I see what a scary world we live in; this temporary home of ours. It's a bad world. It really is. You read the papers and all the terrible things that happen everyday... It's really scary. Everyday I read the papers. And I'm reminded of how uncertain everything is. It doesn't matter what age you are or how much you've done (or haven't done) in your life, you never know when you might leave. Now at 17 I might say, "I'm too young to die." But even when I'm 40, I guess I'll still be saying, "I'm too young to die." We think that 24 hours in a day is not long enough. But it's enough. You're just spending it the wrong way.

Go through life knowing that you're making the most of it and giving it your best shot. Be able to tell yourself, "I'm doing my best. Everything I experience in this life, I'm making the most of it. Everyone I meet, I'm learning them, appreciating them, loving them." Stand where you are and look at what you have. Cause we always let all these moments pass us. Stand where you are and look, not just see. Then you'll be able to say that it's amazing from where you're standing. Life is amazing. There's a lot that we can give. And it's ours only for a moment.

Are you living life? Are you giving it all you've got? I wanna live life. I wanna give it all I've got. Cause it's a miracle that I'm alive. It's a miracle that life happened to me. And it's a miracle that it happened to you too.

I Really Wanna Be...

... a special agent.

Seriously. Really.

For quite some time now, I've wanted to be a special agent. As a career. Like, for the rest of my life. Haha. Yes, I have been watching way too many TV shows. I realize that all I watch nowadays either has to do with cops or doctors. Then in between all those there're nerds and heroes. Lol. The shows that I watch always have cops in 'em, like The Mentalist, FlashForward and plus Star World and AXN screens so many like CSI, Life, Castle, Warehouse 13. And the ones with doctors in 'em are Grey's Anatomy, FlashForward, Royal Pains... you get the picture.

OK, so back to the special agent thing. I think it's really cool. I wanna work for the FBI or the CIA. And I've done my research. Looked up the length of training I need to undergo, where the training centre is, the departments and units... Buthen, there's a problem: I'm not a citizen of the United States. So tak boleh lah. Haha. If I wanna be a federal agent, I have to work for Malaysia. Like, in the Special Branch, Unit Tindakan Cepat (I know, it sounds so... haha, but it's actually SWAT, y'knw) or Pasukan Gerakan Khas.

Ah ha, and another problem is, I am not fit enough to be a cop. I will never be fit enough to be a cop. Haha. I just can't chase after the baddies. My fitness level would be way below their requirements. If they did a fitness test on me, I'd have 0% muscle (except the amount of muscle that the human body normally has). Haha.

But let me dream a bit lah. Hehe. I've always liked the idea of having a gun strapped at my waist, a badge that looks oh so glamourous, being able to interrogate people, running after bad guys yelling, "Stop, FBI!" or "Stop, CIA!" (personally, I think shouting FBI sounds cooler)... Gaya sial lah. Lol. Then there's the whole aura that I'll exude that says, "I'm a Special Agent. You don't wanna mess with me." Haha. So yeah, right now I really wanna be a special agent. =)

On a totally different note, this question's been bugging me for awhile: Do fishes have ears? So I checked it out. And no, they don't have ears. Just thought you might wanna know that. Haha.

How do I reward myself after sitting for several exam papers?

I do one (or all :P) of the following (and not in order, hehe):

1) Play F1 2009 on the PSP
2) Watch an episode of either The Big Bang Theory, The Mentalist or FlashForward
3) Kill time on Facebook
4) Blogsurf and blog, haha

Ah, the simple pleasures of life for simple me :D