Mervy's 19th

Went to Chili's 1U to celebrate Mervy's 19th b'day. I actually wished him a day earlier. *Smacks head* Haha. Dunno why lah. My brain not functioning properly. So I wished him again y'day night when the clock striked 12.

Anyway, it was the four of us: me, Kym, Mervy and Mikey since Jon and Wei Shern aren't around. We had to wait for about half an hour before we got a table. All we did was hang out and talk about all sorts of things. It was nice, cause we haven't done this in a really long time - just hanging out, talking and eating. Lol.

Then we left about 10.30pm. Kym left with Mervy and I left with Mikey. Apparently Kym and Mervy were stuck in a jam and only got home at 12.30am, but me and Mike didn't get into any jam. And it was nice to talk with Mike again. We've had so many conversations in his Vios. Me in the passenger seat and him at the wheel. (Like he said, there's no other way it could be since I can't drive - yet. Haha.)

Bottomless tostada chips (as addictive as French fries)

Lamb chop

Little burgers

Honey chicken crispers

MKMA

The B'day Boy

Authentic Homemade Indian Food

This year, I wasn't invited to any Deepavalli open houses. I know, so sad. T_T Haha. Last two years, I was invited to at least 3 houses, but dunno why this year none lah. Lol. But but, I still got to eat Deepavalli food. Hehe. So where did I get it from? Haha. Dillion drove over and gave me homecooked food. I promised him that I would blog about it so here goes. He gave me three dishes: chicken kurma, chicken curry and mutton all made by his mum with help from him. Hehe. It was really, really good! Even Mum was raving over it. So although I didn't go to any open houses, I still got to eat authentic homemade Indian food. *Satisfied grin*

Happy Deepavalli

As I sit here typing on the keyboard, I can hear intermittent sounds of fireworks shooting up into the sky. I've been listening to it and watching it all night. And while I spend my time looking out the window, I realize something extremely strange. D'you know that when fireworks go up into the sky, it doesn't make any sound? Only when it dissolves, then I hear the "BOOM". How very strange! I thought that maybe that one particular firework had a problem. But as I sat there and continued to watch the fireworks, I realized that it was all the same. All the "BOOM"s came after the fireworks disappeared. Hahaha.

I spent my time at my window, with my camera in hand. I was trying to capture the fireworks cause my camera has this "Fireworks" thingy. Lol. But I dunno why the fireworks never appeared when I was looking. And everytime I turned around, I could hear the "BOOM". So I gave up lah.

Just awhile ago, I was telling my elder brother about my discovery regarding the fireworks and the BOOM after. I sounded very fascinated and eager to tell him about it, as if I was on the verge of discovering something of staggering proportions. The conversation went something like this:

Me: *Blah blah blah... *

Ko: *Grunts* *Covers his head with the pillow*

Me: *Throws the bolster at him*

Ko: Manda, it's not strange lah. It's like the speed of sound and the speed of light. Light travels faster than sound. Example, you see lightning then you hear thunder.

Me: *Mouth open* Wah...... That makes absolute sense! Aiyoh. Ko, you're so smart! *Turns to Mum* Ma, he's so smart. Ko, you should've stayed in Science stream. What you just said sounded so science-y.

Hahaha. If you know me well enough, you would've known how exactly I reacted to what he said. You can say something that sounds really amazing but it might actually just be nonsense, and I would still go, "Wah......" because it sounded amazing. Lol.

Oh yeah. D'you wanna know what's my theory on why Deepavalli is called Deepavalli? Hehehe. Brace yourselves. This will be extremely lame. So Deepavalli is the Festival of Lights right? They call it that because the oil lamps during Deepavalli will always shine as bright as ever even in a place as DEEP as a VALLEY. Hahahahaha. Now I shall go jump off a cliff so that I don't have to see all your faces go... "=O She is so lame!" Hehe. Sorry lah. I really am so lame.

To end this post:

DEEPAVALLI VALTELKEL!
To all who celebrate the
Festival of Lights =)

Dance, Dance

The photo above is me and Yoke Pei in a club. =D

OK. I know you don't believe me. Haha. Although it does look like we're clubbing. Lol. The real photo is below.
What a vast difference. So anyway, I'm listening to dance music now. That's why I feel like blogging about it. I always think that I'll fit in nicely in a club. Cause I've been listening to a lot of dance music and I can dance - kind of - OK, I can't, not exactly. Hahaha. Several words to describe the way I dance is: ridiculous, amusing, funny, entertaining... nowhere near good or talented. Lol.

And me and Yoke Pei always talk about how when we reach the age where we can enter clubs (what age is that? I don't even know, lol) then we'd totally go clubbing together. Cause I'd really want to get to dance. Since I haven't ever got a chance to dance. (As recently as this year, I was supposed to be in the Jai Ho dance in school, but they kicked me off T_T. But only because they had enough people. Still, I think I was first choice to be kicked off the team. Hahaha.) Then again, I don't really know how clubs are. Haha. I only know them through movies with bouncers and fake IDs. Lol.

But I gotta feeling that it would be interesting to see the inside of a club and to experience clubbing. Disco balls and all. Or do they actually have disco balls? I've only ever seen a disco ball in movies like Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Maybe they don't have it anymore. Haha. Aiyoh. I sound like an oldie now. Hehe.

Anyway, below are some photos from Graduation Day since I won't be creating an album on Facebook. Happy viewing! =)

Handy Manny

As some of you know, one of my favourite TV shows is Handy Manny. Haha. It's about a repairman called Manny who lives in Sheet Rock Hills and his talking tools. I watch it everyday at 11am and 2.30pm on Playhouse Disney. Why do I still watch cartoons although I am already 17? Correction. I don't still watch cartoons. I never got the chance to watch cartoons when I was younger. There's a difference. Hehe. So if you think I'm childish, cut me some slack lah. I never got a proper childhood. Lol.

Anyway, in the month of September, Playhouse Disney held a contest. All you have to do is watch the new episodes and answer a simple question. So of course I was totally excited about it and wanted to win. But there was a problem. I was not between the age of 2 to 7 years. I was born 10 years too early. Lol. However, that did not stop me. I entered the contest anyway. And lo and behold, I was one of the winners! Hahaha. Seriously, I was so happy. Then I waited for my prize to be mailed to me. I waited and waited... and waited. But I didn't get any call informing me that I won or anything of the sort. So I kinda gave up hope lah. Takpe lah. Considering I shouldn't've won it in the first place. Hehe.

But but, today I came home from school. Then Jo called me over and pointed at a Longchamp box. Perasan as I am, I was like, "Is that for me? A handbag? I don't really want a Longchamp bag." Then he opened it and I saw this big brown envelope with my name on it and a postage stamp from Singapore. Below it was some other postage thingy that said: "Towel, bath gel." And then I SCREAMED. For joy. Hahaha. And then I kept shouting in glee, "Handy Manny! Handy Manny!" Man, I have never screamed for joy like this since Dad bought me a water heater for my PMR results. Lol.

So I won a Handy Manny towel and a Flicker bath gel. (Flicker is one of the tools, he's a flashlight.) Oh yeah, in the big brown envelope was a note that read:

Dear Contestant,

Congratulations! You have won in our Playhouse Disney Handy Manny Towel Set
Giveaway Contest! Here is your Handy Manny towel and bath gel set prize.

We thank you for your participation and continued support for Playhouse Disney.

Your friends at Playhouse Disney.

Haha. I have friends at Playhouse Disney. *Silly grins* So yeah lah. That was what made my day. I love Handy Manny =)

Speak, Move, Think, Feel

Humans are incredible creatures. We speak, move, think and feel.

I don't think I've ever really thought about it. How incredibly different and incredibly special we are compared to the million other creatures that roam this earth. We are so, so blessed to be what we are.

To be able to speak and let known our feelings. I know how it feels to want to say something so badly, but to not be able to - for all sorts of reasons. Everyday I say so many things, but I can't remember even half of what I said. And that's cause the things that I said didn't matter. It's funny how the things that matter are the things that we don't say. We expend so much energy beating around the bush and not saying what we really want to say. So many empty words that could have held so much meaning in them. I guess the reason why we don't say what we want to say is because we are afraid of what others might say in return. We have expectations. And when people fall short of those expectations, we get hurt and we pull back. But it is so much better to say what you want to say, no matter what happens after that. To know that you did everything you could, you said everything you needed to say and you let it all out. No regrets. I love that feeling... of taking that risk. I'm afraid of that feeling, but I love it anyway. Love and fear. Curiosity and bravery. We know that we can get hurt, but we want to do it anyway, because we know that maybe, just maybe it would all be worth it. That's what's amazing about humans.

To use our body to move. What do you use your hands for? I use my hands to write and to play music. I think it is so amazing that we are each born left-handed, right-handed or ambidextrous. And we learn to hold a pencil in our hand and write letters which turn into words and express what we feel. With our hands, we play instruments. Whether we strum a guitar or we bang a piano, it's music anyway. Haha. And that music can lift us up. An instrument is just an instrument if left alone. But when we learn to play them and use our fingers to create music, the instrument comes alive. I find that so mind-boggling. A lifeless object that begins to produce such sweet sounds when a person works his or her magic on it. What do you use your feet for? To walk and to run. It's amazing when I think of the fastest human on earth. How can anyone run that fast? I would think it humanly impossible. Lol. What do you use your eyes for? To see. Each of us see life differently. I view the world through my eyes. But if I were to view the world through your eyes, it would be completely different. I also think that eyes are the windows to our souls. You can look out but you can also look in. A person can lie, but the truth always shows in their eyes. I love that about humans. We try so hard to cover ourselves up and hide ourselves from the world, but our eyes give us away.

To have our mind as a secret place where our thoughts, hopes and dreams are. Each of us have our own hopes and dreams for our lives. In our mind, we form ideas of what we would want our lives to be. And with our mind, we make it happen. Don't understand what I mean? It is what takes root in our mind that turns into our desires and then our actions and so determine our decisions which life is so full of. Where there's a will, there's a way, yes? All it takes is that passion, that spark to start it all. You know what you want and you do what it takes. Nothing is easy. Everything needs effort. We may fall but the starting point of getting back up takes place in the mind. You make a conscious decision that nothing will bring you down.

To have a heart that is more than an organ; a heart that feels emotions that sometimes even our brains cannot deconstruct and comprehend. It's strange how when you feel pain, your mind registers it but your heart feels it. You don't get a headache; you get a heartache. The human heart is not just a mere organ. It's an emotional living thing. It beats not just because it has to, but because you will it to. I am so amazed when I look at my dogs and think, "They are living things. Real living things. They have hearts that beat that I can feel." But their hearts are different from ours. Ours function to keep us alive but it also helps us to feel. Imagine if your mind says you are in pain but you don't feel it. You know you're in pain but nothing else tells you that you are. Then it doesn't matter. I wouldn't want to be like that again. To have a heart of stone. To shut myself from all feeling. To lock my heart and throw away the key. I want to feel, whether or not it brings hurt or joy. I want to feel, cause I was made to feel. Humans are made to feel. Our hearts help us do that.

I always hear people say that everyone's special. And most of us might scoff and say that if everyone's special, then no one's special. But we are. All of us are special. We can all speak, move, think and feel. But we all speak, move, think and feel differently. No matter how subtle our differences may be, we ARE different. And that's what makes us special. The little details. When you take the time to know a person, they become special to you because it's the little quirks about them that make them special. It's the way they laugh when you say something incredibly lame. It's the way they notice when something's not right with you. It's the way they say something to you just by looking at you. It's the way they make you smile when they do something ridiculously cute. It's the way they make you feel when they're around. They're special because we know them for who they really are. People are flawed and broken when you get to really know them, but that's the beauty of it. I love people. But most of all, I love You for making us in Your image.

I Am A Secondary School Graduate XD

Today was Graduation Day for all Form 5s. I remember Nicole telling me how everyone was crying and it was such an emotional time at their graduation last year. And I thought to myself, "Ha! I definitely won't be one of those tearing up at graduation. It would take more than that to make me cry." Hehe. Yah lah. I'm heartless and emotionless. Sue me. Haha.

I had to shake hands with so many people (mostly strangers - which include both other people's parents and teachers whom I did not have the pleasure of knowing). I could feel my fake smile. It felt so not genuine lah. Lol. At the end of it, a lot of students were crying and all. I didn't feel anything lah. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with my emotional circuit. Haha. Like there's a loose wire or something. How come I'm not moved by things like this? My five years in secondary school mean a whole lot to me, and yet as I am reminded (in a big, in-your-face, annual official school event like this), I feel... NOTHING. I was wondering what the big deal was. Heck, we'll be seeing all these teachers on Wednesday. But I guess that's where I missed the point of this whole Hari Graduasi.

But one thing today did to me was it made me think of those five years and what actually made them mean a lot to me. No, it was not because of the amount of knowledge I gleaned from five years of academic torture. Haha. It was, without a doubt, the friends and the teachers. That thought didn't make me feel sappy and teary-eyed. I guess five years is just right. It's not too short and it's not too long. It's short enough to make you go, "OK, that's it. Five years is my limit. Time to get out of this pinafore." And it's long enough to make you go, "Alright. That was enough. Five years was enough for me to make memories that will last a lifetime."

I thought that I would miss secondary school and it would be a challenge for me to move out of this comfort zone. With school, it was so easy. I'm placed in this confined space where I go to five days a week. I learn a fixed amount of subjects and am given the flexibility to take additional subjects. I can take whatever extracurricular activities according to my fancy. All I have to do is wear a pinafore and abide to the rules made by the school authorities. Simple enough. Five years of your life settled as such.

However, as the year inches closer to an end, I am raring to get out of these past five years so dominated by routine and pattern. I am ready to say goodbye to tuitions and study in an air-conditioned environment. Haha. Secondary school will always be what it is - a special time of my life that taught me to live, laugh and love. And it's gonna be over soon. My time is up. And that's OK. Cause I had just enough time. =)

P.S. Now that I am a secondary school graduate, I believe that I no longer need to abide by the school rules. So, people, let's all dress in our casuals and I'll see you in school this Wednesday. Haha! =D

The Voice In My Head

The voice in my head says:

"You can't do it. You won't make it. You were never good enough.

What were you thinking? It was all just a lie.
Telling yourself that there's still time and all you have to do is work hard.
If you can't do it, you can't. End of story. No use pretending that you can.
You can try. But why try when you won't make it?

You're weak. And lousy. You're not gonna get there.
Stop trying. It's just going to add to your pain anyway.
How many times do you wanna fail until you accept that it's not enough?
You're not enough.

Stay away from everyone else. It will do them good.
You can continue being the way you are.
It's happened to you more than once this year.

Maybe I'm just the voice in your head.
Maybe you're only hearing me now.
But maybe... I'll hang around."

Dogs Are The Cutest Animals On Earth =D

I want more dogs! Haha.

For those of you who don't know, I already have three dogs at home:
Napoleon (a Golden Retriever), Pepper (a Miniature Schnauzer) and
Ginger (a Silky Terrier mix something).

But these dogs are so darn adorable.
Tell me if they don't make you go, "Aww..." Hehe.

West Highland White Terrier
Uber cute! =]

French Bulldog
OK, maybe some of you might think that it's not cute, but it is!
Like Mum once said, "It's cute because it's ugly." Haha.

Portuguese Water Dog
Obama's dog is this breed. I didn't know there was
such a breed until they bought it.
But it is so cute. Curly hair and beady eyes. Lol.

These Strings + My Fingers = Music

My fingers hurt so bad from playing so much... =(

I'm gonna take a break and not play my guitar for the next
few days to keep my fingers fine for Saturday... =)

Days Like This One =)

Today we (JOLA) celebrated Yoke Pei's 17th b'day. She's the youngest. I know, it's a bit strange since I should be the youngest as I am more of the baby of the group. Haha. But no, I am the oldest! No kidding. Haha. So we brought her out to 1U. And we ate at Chili's. Spent three hours there wei. I can only ever do that with those three. I really ate a lot. Haha. Anyway, here are a few of my fave shots from today.



Days like this one remind me of how blessed I am to have such a special group of friends. Everytime I'm with them, I'm reminded of how much I love them and how much I'm loved (ahem, ahem, I truly believe with all my heart that y'all do love me ah XD). Hehe. Friendships can't get any better than this =]

And to my dear Bumble Chua: We look really good in the above shot. Can totally be gangster leaders lah. Haha. I hope your seventeenth was a memorable one. Although we've only known each other for almost a year now, we've experienced so much together. Haha. How long we've been friends doesn't matter lah. What we've done in that time is what matters. Hehe. So here's to a friendship that's as long-lasting as a circle. Lol. God bless you always...

Yes, I got a new template. =) After dunno how many years, I've gotten bored of my old template. Haha. I guess I only get bored with things after a really long time. So that's good, right?

Anyway, guess where I went y'day? To the semi finals of the Malaysian Open! Haha. Me, Amanda Hoi, who has never watched a single full tennis game. Lol. So we had free tickets: two VIP and two premium. Me and Jo took took the VIP tickets for the Davydenko vs Soderling game and the premium tickets for the Gonzalez vs Verdasco game. When we arrived, the fellar who tore our ticket stubs gestured to a guy and said, "Ey, VIPs." Haha. Then he led us away from the crowd to another entrance that had a sign over it that read, "VIP/VVIP". Man, was I stoked! Haha. After that, a lady took us, then another two more girls after that. Hwa liau eh. Me and Jo were escorted by four people, and we were walking on a red carpet. It was as if me and Jo were Datuk and Datin punya anak. Haha. Awesomeness.

Then we sat and watched the game loh. Davydenko is really cute lah, cause he's bald and all. And bald people are cute, OK. Like Volker. But I was more excited for the later game, cause Gonzalez is so rugged and Verdasco is so handsome. Lol. That game was even better than the earlier one. At the end of the day, I was tired but also happy because the guys that I rooted for got into the finals. Today, I found out that Davydenko won. That's OK, since I like 'em both. Hehe.

Ah, this is refreshing. Typing in a different font and using a different template. Change is good, yes? Haha.

Hey hey. So, guess how I got to school today? Yes, a car. But whose? O_o. Ah. That is the question. Hahaha. My dear Amelia Lee Xue Theng drove me to school today! Hahaha. That girl got her license adi. So fun. Her driving not bad lah. But who am I to say, right? I haven't even sat for my undang test yet. Lol. I got to school safe and sound lah (I guess I didn't need five seatbelts, after all XD), although we were late. She didn't pick me late actually; she just drove slowly. Hehe.

I had Chemistry 3 and Physics 3 today. I actually felt really unprepared. Cause although I studied for both already - twice, somemore - there didn't seem to be anything in my head. But thank God it turned out good. I am quite satisfied with today. Buthen again, I can't trust my feelings. Good usually turns out bad. Hahaha. And I did Chemistry 3 really slowly. I was taking my own sweet time. But I started off slow also cause I couldn't think. The radio in my head kept playing David Choi's "Won't Even Start". Hehe.

Now I just finished reading Maths. Gonna do a model paper and then maybe start Add Maths a bit. My nose is killing me lah. *Sneeze* Terrible flu problem, I have. I still have Biology 3, Maths, Add Maths and BK before my trials are officially over. My hands are itching to touch the PSP again T_T

Y'knw, I just realized something. If I study in the mornings at 4 like I usually do, I am not actually fully awake. Haha. When I'm in school, I think about my studying that morning, and I don't think I was fully awake. I was half-studying. Lol. But it works lah.

OK. I shall go do what I said I would do. Hehe. Tata.

If I ever see you on the street

I'll pretend that I didn't see

And turn my face

No use in small talk anyways

Cause if I look into your eyes

Then I'll have to say goodbye

And that'll break my heart

So I won't even start, no, I won't even start

Four of us
Mum and Dad

Che and Ko

Yesterday night, I went out with my family to Ampang for a dinner to celebrate Ko and Che's b'days (both in the month of September). So we went to Litle Korea and ate at this place called Kang San Ea. In spite of what y'all might think, I didn't take any pictures of the food. Hahaha. But I ate a lot. The food just kept on coming wei. And the BBQ meat is really good. But it's still Japanese all the way for me lah! XD

Then we went to one of the stores selling all Korean stuff. I think I wanted to buy a lot of it. But because I didn't understand the labels, it kinda put me off. Cause I'm the kind of person who would buy something because it sounds really canggih. Hehe. So I only bought plum sweets cause that was written in English and I bought this pack of chips which I reckon are sweet potato drizzled with honey. But I can't be sure cause I haven't opened it yet. And at the counter, the lady started speaking to us in Korean and only my sister understood. The lady was asking whether we were Korean and my sister said no. Haha. Y'knw, I didn't know there were so many Koreans in Malaysia.

Oh yeah, I drank shochu. It's basically rice wine, a spirit lah. And I had some beer. So at the end of the night, I was kinda tipsy. No kidding. Haha. I coudn't walk properly, man. I almost hit the whatever barrier thing that leads to the toilet. This is the 2nd time I've gotten drunk since I was 12 (drunk on red wine mee suah XD). The shochu was super strong wei. I wonder how anyone actually downs so many bottles of stuff like that.

Overall, I had a fun night lah. Just with the entire family. =)

Tipsy... Haha...

I'm Growing Up! ='(

OK. I know I just posted something like, 10 minutes ago. But I just wanted to talk about what I'm gonna talk about.

Yes, that is me above. Haha. I was a fat kid. Quite ugly lah. Lol. No fashion sense also. But that kid looks nothing like me now. Right? Or am I wrong? Can you see me in that picture? Haha.

So anyway, I was having a conversation with Mum about what I wanna do after Form 5. Cause she keeps asking me what I wanna do, and I keep saying that I dunno yet. Haha. It's strange how when I was younger I always had an ambition. I knew what I wanted to be. Every year my ambition changed, but at least I had an ambition. Now I don't even have one. Lol. So we were just talking about what I could do and where I could be in future, cause I definitely don't wanna stay here in Mah-lai-siah.

Then I was thinking about how Jo's gonna go off to aviation academy in two years, God willing. And how my brother's working here and my sister's working in Singapore. I realized that me and Jo were growing up and reaching that stage of life where you leave your family. And it made me sad because I didn't realize that the family I have now, well, it's always gonna be my family but I'll have my own immediate family. It's like this immediate family will be replaced by my immediate family. Get it? This period of time that I have, it'll be ending in a few years. And it'll be kinda sad when me and my siblings all are based in different countries. I'm really thankful that I'm close to my siblings. Cause if I wasn't, then in the future, we'd be estranged or something.

But I'm really sure that we'll always be a close family. It's just that the realization that I'm growing up and turning into a young adult; it sounds so lonely, as if you're all on your own once you're an adult.

I guess as a teenager I always think I'll never grow old. I only imagine as far as 10 years ahead. But I never actually stop and think about me being 40 or 60. That age where you're plagued with health problems and all that. I'll miss being young. And even if I realize it, there's really no way you can actually treasure it. I've tried to cherish my time, and then in future, when I look back, I remember that I said to myself that I treasured it, but I don't feel anything. Haha. Yoh. I dunno if I'm making sense. Lol. OK lah, that's all. Hehe.

I woke up an hour ago feeling very angry. I had a bad dream. It wasn't a nightmare or anything. I just didn't like what happened in the dream. Sigh. It sucks to wake up feeling upset already. There was a certain person in the dream who made me very unhappy. Now I'm feeling better lah. Hahaha.

I have no school today. *Grins*

It's nice to suddenly wake up at 5 in the morning and go... "What day is it today? Is there school? No." And head back to bed. Then to wake up at 6 again and go... "Ah. Must wake up in a bit. Got school... Ey, wait. I don't have to go to school today. Oh yay." And drop dead again. Hahaha.

And I am proud to say that I woke up at 8.30 this morning. Hehe. Yes, yes. Just cause I skip school doesn't mean I should sleep in. Haha. So I got up, did devotion, read the papers and had breakfast. Now I'm here. And I should be going off soon - to study BK for the exam later. Even though I have no school, I still have trials. Haha. And of course, I have a break at 11 XD

Tata...

Biology sucks.

It is a sucky subject.

I like reading it but I don't like memorizing it.

It's interesting and all, no doubt about it. But it is SO much!

I shouldn't be here. Haha.

I'm off to continue reading Biology. =]

Yesterday I was thinking about friendships and relationships.

I'm a person who needs friends, although I try as much as I can to not give myself away. So I was just looking back the past few years and all the people I've met. I realize that I've been really close to some and I had some really important friendships. But over time, I just lost them. And I believe it was my fault. When I had it, I never actually let myself get in it, because I always put a little distance between myself and the other person. I never realize what I have until I lose it. And when I at last realize it, and I try to make an effort to salvage it, I'm already too late. I'm a few months overdue.

Then there are friendships and relationships that could have been. Oh man, when I look back, there were so many... I missed my chances. Never dared to take the leap. So the moment passed, and I could only watch it go. And I don't know if this is true about me, but I don't think I ever actually get over anything. But I sure do a good job making it look like I'm over it.

I talk about my regrets about my friendships and my relationships, buthen I haven't yet mentioned the ones that I have now. They're important to me, very. But I always have a keen sense that it's all temporary. I dunno how right I am, but whether or not it's true, it doesn't change how I feel. Maybe we're all made to be alone. But I think I'm really wrong about that.

I think that friends come and go. Some come and break your heart. Buthen others come around and patch it up. Then they break it too. And others come around and patch it up again. Sometimes, there are those who stay and never go. I wonder if I'll have those. But I think that's up to me - whether I let them. Cause I dunno why but I've never let anyone hang around. Maybe it'll change now. Things could be different.

"I've been roaming around

I was looking down and all I see

Painted faces fill the places that I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you... "

Tanggal 21 Bulan 8 Kosong Sembilan =]

So I said I'd talk about the Merdeka celebrations, right? Hehe. I woke up at 5:25 am and took bath. Headed over to Povaanes' place so that her mum could wrap the saree for me. I knew I was already running late. Sent Jo to school then I arrived at school. First person I met was Puan Rosnani. Haha. When she saw me, she said, "Hari ini saja tunjuk muka. Sepanjang minggu tak datang sekolah kerana pergi cari pakaian? Cikgu tak jumpa kamu dalam satu minggu saja dah nampak glamour." Lol! Puan Rosnani is beyond cute lah. Hehe.

Walked to class and there was already so many people in class. But expected lah, I was late. Sigh. Too bad YP's words came true (quote YP: "I have a feeling you'll be last to come to school tomorrow. Although you live so near, you're always the latest.") Then YP put concealer on me for my pimple. I love that thing lah. It works wonders! Haha. Pimple there, pimple gone! Lol.

After that, we had to bring our chairs to the Dataran Bestari for us to sit. This year's service so bad lah! The prefects didn't arrange chairs for us beforehand wan. Haha. Last year all got chairs ready. So anyway, we sat down and waited for the event to begin. There were a lot of performances lah, but last year's was still the bomb. Hehe.

Then we took a million pictures lah. (OK, exaggeration.) It was only 237 pictures =) Hehe. Below are a few of my fave pictures. You can check out the rest in my Facebook album.

All in all, I had an awesome time just taking pictures. Many of my friends did not understand the beauty of my low-angle photography technique and they insulted my poor cacat camera. Haha. Now I know how to handle its mood swings thanks to Bev and Su Vien's magic hands. Hehe. Y'knw, I have never taken so many pictures in such a short amount of time and I have never walked around on heels for so long. Lol. My feet were kinda sore once I took the heels off. But I really loved this year's Ambang Kemerdekaan equally as much as I did last year's. One thing cool about MGS is that we have this traditional costume thingy. Haha. I doubt I will ever have a chance or a reason to wear a traditional costume again.

Until I blog again, bye!

I skipped school again - today. Man, I have only been to school for two days in two weeks. Haha. It really is an accomplishment for me, considering how I absolutely love school and as much as I can, I try not to skip. But lately I've been bitten by the Yoke Pei bug and I have turned into a kaki ponteng. And so, since I wasn't in school for four days last week, I wasn't around to fill in the NS form. Puan Fauziah came to my class and asked for me. So I filled in the form, blah blah blah, and this is the conversation we had:

Her: You're still sick?
Me: *Cough cough* *Nod nod* Yes. It's been quite long already. About two weeks.
Her: Do you want a mask? Then you can wear it.
Me: Uh... [In my head - "If I say yes, then she'll bring me a mask, buthen I have to wear it. So I can't just keep it, although I want to have a mask so I can keep it, but if she takes it for me, then I have to wear it, in front of her, if not she'll scold me because I said I wanted it... Best to say no.] No, it's OK. *Cough cough* I'm alright.
Her: Hmmm. OK then. Take care. If you need a mask, then just tell me.

Something along those lines lah. Haha. Wow, I felt so flattered wei. The Penolong Kanan something (I dunno her post) offered to get me a mask. Lol. But I really think it's cool to have a mask, even if I don't use it for what it's s'posed to be used for. Maybe I could just keep it in my file. I always thought masks were cool, don't you agree? Haha.

Moving on... Tomorrow's MGS' Independence Day celebration. And Form 5s have to wear traditional costume. When I realized that, you know how I felt? Old. Haha. Seriously, I was thinking to myself, "Oh man. Have I reached that age where I have to wear traditional costume for Merdeka?" Cause you don't actually enter school in Form 1 and anticipate the day you get to wear the costume. You just get on with school life, and then suddenly you realize that it's your last year, so you get to wear strange clothes and sit on chairs instead of the ground. Haha. But Nicole reckons I'll have a bomb of a time tomorrow. Ambang Kemerdekaan is, after all, my favourite school event of the year. Lol. I'll talk about it once tomorrow's over and done with lah.

Signing off...

11th July 2009.

On that day, I watched God at work.
And what words can I use to describe the awesomeness of our beloved King?
I stand in awe at the power and glory that I saw move through the place.
Hands lifted up.
Eyes closed.
All focused on Jesus.
Every voice raised to honour Him.
Every note played to bring Him glory.
How can you experience such a night without acknowledging Him
as the Way, the Truth and the Life?

Interschool Rally this year was amazing.
It definitely was a "Step Up" from last year. A whole new level. XD
Although it is my last year, I thank You for the experience I've gained.
I wonder what God has in store for next year.
Greater things are yet to come - for sure. =)

This is our God
And we love You more than life

Happy 17th, Jessica!

For the first time ever...
I am not excited about going back to school.

At first, I wasn't sure why.
But now it's becoming clearer.

The end of the school holidays signals the beginning
of the last semester of schooling life for me - ever.
(And those of you who know me well know that
I absolutely love school XD)

There are two ways to look at these school holidays.
Firstly, thinking that these school holidays is the last chance to relax.
Secondly, thinking that you've wasted your chance to study.
For me, it's the second one.

Now that the school holidays have come to an end,
it is a sign, more than anything, that time didn't stop, it didn't slow down.
Time is still doing what it does best.
And that is deceiving you and stealing you of the moments when you're not
fully aware of how much time has passed you by.
Then it's back to reality, and you realize that two weeks is gone - just like that.

I'm running after time but I'll never catch up.

The scene is a classroom. It's only been the first few days of school. The teacher comes in and says, "Class, let's get to know each other. Stand up and tell me your ambition one by one." I sit at my desk and I listen as one by one, my classmates stand up and tell of their aspirations. And I can't help but notice that so many of them want to be doctors. Why? What is it about doctors that makes kids say, "I wanna be a doctor when I grow up"?

For the record, I was never one of those kids who said that they wanted to be doctors when they grow up. I always had the weirdest ambitions - but that's a whole other thing. So, back to doctors. It's a "WOW" job, isn't it? You get to wear a smart-looking coat that could rival Batman's cape. You strut the hospital halls as if you owned them. You step into the operating room and everything only begins once you say, "Scalpel." And who could forget, you have an uber cool blinking thingy you wear at your waist (I know it's called a pager, haha) that tells you when you're needed. But most of all, you get to save lives... everyday.

D'you wonder why I never wanted to be a doctor? Sure, my mum offered to buy me chickens so I could practice suturing them. And Grey's Anatomy really turned doctors into rock stars. But here's some reasons why I can't be a doctor:

1) I can't look at open bodies on operating tables or even wrecked bodies that just come through the emergency entrance (although I wouldn't go as far as to throw up)

2) I don't have the physical strength to stay awake for 48 hours (or more) straight

3) The hospital's way too big and I couldn't make my way from one end to the other without getting muscle pain and losing my breath (lol)

4) I might become one of the hospital's most loyal patients (very possible)

5) I shouldn't stay around hospitals which constantly reminds one of death because I'm already in deep contemplation of all these kinds of morbid issues (I am a morbid person)

But as I'm only 17, let's not narrow down my future options. Maybe I will be Dr. Hoi. Hahaha. I can already see most of you praying that does not happen. XD

Just a post to entertain you with my thoughts. =]

Signing out...

Today I turn seventeen.

Today I become a year older.

Today I inch closer to becoming an adult.

The past sixteen years don't really feel like a long time. Maybe that's because I don't really remember many of my birthdays. I was never one to throw a big bash everytime June 8th came around. I just hoped that something special would happen. Haha.

Each time I get a year older, I hope I become a better person than I was on this very day a year ago. I don't want to think about the person I was last year and realize that I am the very same person today. I want to always be changing - for the better. I want to be growing, not just by number, but as a person. I want to say to myself, "You're making progress. Keep looking ahead. It's all going fine." And I can say that to myself. Cause I guess I really am a different person from the person I was last year. I'm happy with who I am right now.

But each time I get a year older, I also become more aware of how afraid I am of the future. I am so fearful and so scared of how things are gonna be. For most of my life, I've been in a really comfortable zone. I don't even know how it feels to be out of it. And when I let these thoughts fill my head and I find it hard to breathe, it takes some time but I always, always remember to look up. And I can hear God say: "My plan for your future is filled with hope. For I love you with an everlasting love. And I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. And I will show you great and marvelous things. Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart." And on this day, I can hear Him whisper, "Happy Birthday." =)

This year, I celebrated my birthday. At the end of the day, I thought to myself, "What would be my perfect birthday?" Then I thought about all the people whom I love, and how my perfect day would be celebrating my birthday with all of them. But there were different people and I had to celebrate with them at different times. Cause they were different parts of my life. And I realized that I was just being greedy. Because I only had 24 hours, and it wasn't enough. Then I thought about it again. If I really had to decide, who would be the ones that I wanted to spend the day with? And I came to the conclusion that today... today... was my perfect birthday.

Happy 17th to me! XD

"Sometimes the beauty is in the attempt.
We gave it everything we could,
but it just didn't work out."

Everytime I hear his voice, I fall in love with him all over again.

(Sigh. Two days after the AI finale and I'm still mourning his loss T_T)

I feel numb.

I feel empty.

I feel tired.

I feel burnt out.

I feel pain.

I feel scared.

I feel worried.

I feel confused.

I feel lost.

I feel sad.

I feel alone.

I don't want to have to try to make it show.

I don't want to have to pretend.

I don't want to break down inside anymore.

I don't want to drown in despair.

I don't want to face this on my own.

I want to fall and know that someone will catch me.

I want to scream and know that someone will hear me.

I want to try and know that if I fail, someone will pick me up and keep me going.

I want to run and know that I won't be running alone.

I want to stop and know that I won't be left behind.

I want it all to slow down because time is slipping through my fingertips.

I want to find out what's wrong with me so I can fix it.

I want to be able to not lie when I say "I'm OK".

I want to close my eyes, take a deep breath and wish all the pain away.

I want to smile and mean it.

I want to be happy again.

I need You so much closer.