Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

You've been amazing. I don't think I can thank you enough for being such a wonderful year.

I'll always remember you for the people you've brought into my life. New ones and old ones. Even until the last few days of the year, you let me meet people: those that I knew and those that I have never seen in my entire life. You've really piled on surprises on me, haven't you? I guess you must feel pretty good about yourself. Haha.

And all the things you let me experience! I didn't know you had so much prepared for me. Just waiting for me to reach them. You threw so many things at me. Right from the start, you got me into all kinds of things. I thought I couldn't do it, but as is always the case with me, I went ahead with it anyway. I took on challenges I wasn't sure I was even cut out for. But you knew I was ready. You knew I needed the challenges and you knew that I would come out from it even better than before. My tears turned to joy. My stress turned to a smile. =)

You gave me so many good things. One after another, you never stopped giving. They made me appreciate you even more. Some of them started out bad, but in retrospect, they were good things. You made me grow. You stretched me and pulled me and pushed me. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't go any further, that I reached my limit. But you wouldn't listen. You said that I could go further and I still had a long way to go before I reached my limit. And you were right.

One thing I still don't understand is why you had to come and go in a hurry. Were you in a rush? Didn't you wanna hang around? Now your time is up. But you've used your time well. Again, I thank you. I'll miss you.

Love,
Me

New Year's Eve

I woke up this morning to the last day of 2009. And I didn't think about that. Maybe 'cause my mind was so occupied with the three dreams I had last night. Or maybe 'cause my body ache was still around and it was, obviously, aching. Or maybe it was both.

So only now I'm thinking about it. The years before this, I was always filled with a tinge of sadness when it came to the last day of the year. I was always terribly reluctant to let go of the year, thinking that I could actually hold on to it. Ever tried getting a grasp on time? It's impossible. If you tried, you'd end up feeling hopeless. Instead, you should let it take you over. Let time play its game.

How will you spend your last day of 2009? So far, my schedule looks pretty interesting. I have to clean up my room and pack school books. Yup. I am excited. Haha. But apart from that, usually I spend every New Year's Eve in church, for watchnight service. I'm not really one for countdown parties and the sort. I don't understand why anyone would want to be in a crowded place and scream 10 to 0 and then party the night away. After that, you leave for home with a bad headache and feeling a little bit disoriented. I mean, that moment when 2009 turns to 2010, it's s'posed to hold meaning. I'd rather sit quietly and deliberate on all 2009 was to me and look ahead to 2010. I don't wanna miss the moment the clock ticks 12 midnight by dancing and jumping with a bunch of strangers.

I'm thankful that I went to camp after Christmas. I didn't want to end the year without gaining a new perspective on my life in God's sight. So when I was in camp, God shifted my view to be aligned to His view. I guess I didn't realize that my path was a little crooked. But now I do. I don't know exactly what I have to do. I don't know exactly how I have to do it. But right now I'm just thankful that I know I have to do something.

I guess when a year ends and another begins, it's not really a closing of a chapter of your life and starting a new one. Sometimes it feels that way. But it's actually a continuation. Life isn't filled with stops and gos. It goes on. A part of your life overlaps with another which overlaps with another.

This day feels just like any other normal day. I guess it doesn't know that it's the last day of the year. It doesn't know that it's New Year's Eve. But I know, and you know. So let's make it special. Whatever it is you plan to do as 2009 turns to 2010, make it a little more than just another day.

Hello from Singapore

Hello from Singapore! Haha. I am now blogging from Ko Jeremy's laptop. This is the first time I'm blogging from outside Malaysia. Cool cool. Lol.

So the trip was pretty fast. Although it took like, five hours, it didn't feel that long. Oh, and there was this woman who was in the bus. She was so, so talkative. And she spoke extremely loudly too. I felt like throwing my phone at her. Seriously. Haha. The weirdest thing is that, she came on the bus alone lah, but she started talking to this man, who was with his wife, and the entire time, the man totally ignored his wife 'cause the other woman was going on and on about anything and everything. They were all in their fifties, I think.

I've only been here for several hours. But I've already got around to some shopping. Haha. It is the main thing that I'm gonna do here anyway. So I bought a pair of yellow Nikes. *Grins* Ah. Yellow makes me happy. Now that I've got a brand new pair of shoes, I should start exercising. Haha. Although I always say that I'll never exercise, a small part of me is secretly afraid that I will develop diseases and health problems before I actually become old. Lol. I'm planning to make Wei Shern or Michael take me exercising. 'Cause they're the only ones who actually go to the gym and run and do, ya know, healthy stuff. Ooh, and my dearest brother, Jo. Hehe.

Jo and my sister, Michelle are playing Guitar Hero now. Oh my, Jo sucks. Hahaha. OK lah. I'll tell you more about my Singapore trip tomorrow or something. When I've actually gone out and about. Hehe. Aight. Back to IM-ing Mikey. Buhbye.

Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.

Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is a serious disease which can lead to congestive heart failure.

- The Big Bang Theory, Season 3

Now I know why I woke up with the word "cardiomyopathy" on my mind. Haha. And I must say, The Grinch is my all-time favourite Christmas movie. =D

The Gift

Christmas is coming - again. Are you excited? Is it your favourite festival of the year? It is for me. There's just something about Christmas, innit. It could be the lights, the (non-existent on this side of the globe) snow, the gifts, the food, the songs. Whatever it is, there's just something that makes Christmas so different from every other festival that mankind celebrates throughout the year.

Every year, I am always faced with the question of "What is Christmas?" And I haven't actually thought about it - until today. I was sitting in church paying half attention to the speaker. My mind was flitting in and out of the hall. But the speaker started talking about how one would show Christmas kindness and to whom. The obvious answers were to orphans and old folks. What do you give them? Food to eat, clothes to wear, toys to play. Simple enough, no? And then he asked us if these things are really what they want. The honest answer is no, it's not. What they want is not material things or daily necessities. What they want is love and family.

The speaker had mentioned something about gifts. When I actually think about it, I can't remember what I got last Christmas or the Christmas before last. And quite frankly, if I can't remember it, I sure don't know where it is right now. The gifts that we get mean something to us when we get it. But after that, it just gets misplaced or unused. What we place value on today may lose all value tomorrow. I may think that I want this thing and I need it, for whatever reason. But if I were to be absolutely honest with myself, I don't really need it. I just want it. And if I were to really look at what I have, I would realize that I have more than enough. I just need to learn to be content and know the difference between what I want and what I need.

And then there are gifts that you get for people. What is a gift, really? It's an expression of your love, as I heard today. It shows that you care for someone enough to take the time and effort to buy them something, and not just anything, but something that you've given a lot of thought to. I think of all the gifts that I could give the people I love. And you could buy so many things. But I doubt they will need any of them. Only the world makes it seem as if we need to have this or that.

But there is one gift that is always there for the taking every year. It's THE gift. The one that everyone needs (although not everyone realizes it), the one that lasts, the one that you won't misplace or leave unused. Christmas is not about stuffed turkeys, mince pies, carols, Santa Claus, presents and whatever else you may associate with it. It is a time for people to stop and look back on the year. It makes you think of what you've done in the past year and ultimately, what you're doing in life. For some, it's a time to find THE gift. For others, it's a time to remember what makes the gift THE gift. Do you have it? It's there for the taking. Open it, unwrap it, take it.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

"To see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and what I'm trying to say is, I think I love you. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

- Stardust

To Dare, To Risk, To Chance

Ah! I haven't been posting as much as I did in November. Haha. Oh no. I don't wanna lose my serial blogger streak. So here I am, trying to think of what I want to say. I'm sitting in front of the monitor and wondering what thoughts are going to flow out of my head. This is exciting. Lol. Just sitting and waiting.

*

OK. Let's ask some questions. Have you taken any risks in life? Any chances? Do something crazy or well, maybe not crazy, just something you wouldn't usually do? To me, taking a risk is doing something you wouldn't do. It's something that gives you a rush and makes you feel alive.

It can range from the weirdest and extreme things to the simple and complex decisions we need to make everyday. I've eaten a cricket skewered on a stick. I've bungee jumped straight into a lake. I've danced my heart away in front of a crowd although it made me look demented. I've walked in the rain without an umbrella and ran the risk of inducing the failure of my weak immune system. Those are weird and extreme. And then there are the other risks you take. Deciding what to do with your life after school. Contemplating whether or not you should give your heart to this one person. Letting your feelings unravel in front of people. Taking up a challenge you're not sure you're cut out for. And one other thing for me, choosing what to eat. Lol.

Taking chances is a scary thing. 'Cause it puts you out of your comfort zone. A part of you wants to stay safe and secure. The other part of you is excited and longing to know what will happen if you take that chance. The feeling that you get when you take a risk is very much like bungee jumping. When I went bungee jumping, they brought me high, high up. From that point I could see above everything else. My arms are open wide, ready to grab the air as I fall. Then I took the plunge and fell straight down. It was so exhilarating that I couldn't even find my voice in order to scream. Then I start swinging like a pendulum and everything's upside down. Haha. But I see everything right side up again.

It's a wonderful thing when you take a risk. And the kind of risks I'm talking about is when you're following your heart. It's scary at first, but it always turns out OK. When the risks you take are ones that you are motivated by with all your heart, then you will not regret it. Because the risks and the chances that you take make you who you want to be. If you don't take the risk, you'll always wonder and feel like you should've done this or that. The saddest sentences always start with, "If only... "

Risks open up a world of possibility. Just like when I stood high above the world with my arms wide open, so when I take a risk, I stand above the world of possibility with my arms wide open. It gives me hope and belief. And that's what we all need, isn't it? So often we are held back by what we think are our limitations. But these limitations are imaginary. They are only in your head. And they have a name: fear. What you ought to listen to is in your heart. There is something big in you waiting to happen. And only when you believe that you can do everything you want to do and be everything you want to be, then the time will come. Each and every one of your dreams will come true one day.

To dare, to risk, to chance is to lose your footing momentarily. It is to hang in the balance only by a thread. It is to jump into the deep end knowing that you have small lungs, like me. Lol. It is to throw yourself off a cliff when you only have a rough idea of how to fly. But to dare, to risk, to chance is most of all, to live.

The Little Prince

Just wanted to share some of my favourite quotes from a beloved book, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

I did not really know what to say. I felt like a blundering idiot. I did not know how to reach him, where to catch up with him. It is such a secret place, the land of tears.

It is lonely when you're among people, too.

To me, you are still only a small boy and I have no need of you. And you in turn have no need of me. To you, I'm just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you shall be unique in the world. To you, I shall be unique in the world.

There is no shop where friends can be bought, so people no longer have friends. If you want a friend, tame me. You have to be very patient. First, you will sit down a short distance away from me. I shall watch you and you will say nothing; words are the source of misunderstandings. But each day you may sit a little closer to me.

Happiness has its price.

You are nothing like my rose. As yet you are nothing at all. You are beautiful but you are empty. One could not die for you. My rose, in herself, matters more than all of you together.

Now here is my secret: you can only see things clearly with your heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.

It is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes your rose so important.

What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it is hiding a well.

When you have got over your loss (for we always do), you'll be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend.

Some of the Best Days of My Life

I'm back from Port Dickson! Can't believe that I've finished my SPM and returned from a holiday - in this one week alone. I'm missing the place already. But everything has to end. Especially holidays. Haha. So anyway, I had a smashing time! It was hands down the best holiday I have ever had. Hehe. Let me tell you all about it, aight?

We left at about 10.30. Dad took the coastal road so we got to see a lot of small towns and plantations. Pretty cool. Hehe. And of course, since our heads were still full of what we studied for SPM, we were talking about mirages and pneumatophores. What bugsies. Lol. Reached Avillion at about 2. The place looked beyond awesome. Me and Nette were all, "Whoa!" Haha. The first chalet we got didn't even have a proper view of the sea and it wasn't even out to sea. So we decided to upgrade to the premium water chalet. They gave us the one right next to Avi Spa and was furthest out to sea. So that one was really nice.

The first day itself we did a lot. Explored the resort and then at night we went to The Galley, a bar. Hung out there for quite awhile before spending a few hours at the beach. I had a great time just talking and sharing with Jessica, Nette and Yoke Pei. Oh, how I love them. =)

When we headed back to the chalet, guess what happened? A lizard almost fell on my head when I went to open the door. It only just barely missed me. Haha. Then when I entered the chalet, I found a cockroach in the toilet. Screamed and ran out to the room. Me and Nette tried to kill it with a glass of hot water and an umbrella. Lol. They were the only weapons we could think of using at the time. It didn't work so we had to run out of the toilet and rethink our plan. Haha. That's when I saw the cockroach come out into the room and I started pointing and screaming. And the other three ran so fast to the other side of the room! Hahaha. My first instinct was to run too, but if I did, then the cockroach would still be alive. So I wore my Crocs and started stamping the cockroach to death. After that, I was literally shaking wei. Usually I kill cockroaches with aerosol spray. Haha.

The next day we were out at the beach. Went kayaking. It was my first time but I daresay I was pretty good at it. I paired with Nette and we were such a team! Hehe. Left, right, left, right, straight ahead... Haha. The other two were going around in circles. Lol. That night, we went for dinner at Crow's Nest restaurant in the resort. Later, we headed to the beach and spent about two hours there with the guitar. Then we had a midnight swim. Me and Nette left for the chalet to bathe first whilst the other two continued to swim. But there were no towels, so me and Nette just walked back. It was so, so cold! The wind was so strong. And when we entered the chalet, the air cond and fan were on at full blast so it was even colder than outside. Then Nette went to bathe while I stood outside wrapped in a towel and dripping wet. Haha. After that I went to get the other two and brought 'em their towels. Then that night Jessica did some sand thingy for all of us. Very cool. Hehe. Nette and Pei urut my arms cause they were aching so much from kayaking.

And so quickly, the final day came. We had breakfast and then me, Nette and Pei went to the animal farm. I'd been wanting to go since I found out Avillion had an animal farm. So I was really psyched when I got to go. They had rabbits, peacocks, guinea pigs, chickens, roosters and tortoises. I fed the rabbits and chickens, and a rooster perched on my arm! I was like a madly happy kid who had been let loose into a toy store and allowed to get whatever she wanted. XD The animal farm really made my day. After that, we checked out at 12 and said goodbye to Avillion. =(

1, 2, 3... Haha

Look at my hair! Haha.

Randall Jack aku yang tersayang XD

Calcium carbonate!

Love Nette's face, haha

I'm sunburnt and sleepy, Pei is just posing =P

Junior the rooster

My fave one-week-old rabbit

We'll come back and stay in Room 609 again, yes? =)

My three days at Avillion were really amazing. Firstly, I had an absolutely smashing time with three people that I love with all my heart. It's so cool that we got the opportunity to spend three days together alone. Hehe. We got closer - if that's at all possible, considering how close we already are =] - over those three days. Other than that, I've never really gotten a chance to be close to nature. But staying in Port Dickson was a first-hand encounter with nature. The sound of the waves and the myriad noises that come from the many insects were soothing and calming. It rocked me to sleep. I see Your handiwork in the stars, the sun, the sky, the sea. And I see Your handiwork in the three very special people that I spent the last three days with. Thank You for giving me the chance to take time away and behold Your creation in all its glory. But teach me also to see Your creation in my daily life. It doesn't matter where I am. Everything I see comes from You. I love You for taking me on this holiday, because these were some of the best days of my life. =]

17 posts ago I was just about to begin my SPM. 17 posts later and I'm done with my SPM. *Grins*

So how do I reward myself after sitting for secondary school exams - once and for all?

I go on a holiday! I grab three of my bestest friends in the whole wide world, pack a bag filled with just enough clothes (plus sunscreen and shades, of course), bring my beloved guitar along and escape from the normal routine of life for three days. In Port Dickson there is a chalet sitting on the shallow waters of the Straits of Malacca waiting for me. And I'm coming... in a matter of hours! =)

Don't you think that I just know how to live it up? =P Haha.

Goodbye, dear readers! Miss me OK? Lol. And goodbye, blog! I'll be back real soon. And you'll be flooded with pictures. That, I promise. =]

The Clock Ticks Time Away

A lot of people in church asked me this: "So, excited or not?" Cause SPM is gonna end on Tuesday for me lah. Everytime anyone asks me that, I actually have to stop and think, and my answer is just a shrug. I'm not excited. I don't feel anything. I guess I will be - or I am - happy. I dunno. Haha.

SPM has really shown me how time flies, literally. I don't think I've ever been more aware of time and how quickly it passes me by. Just sometime ago I was counting down 25 papers and 12 subjects. Now I've got 3 papers and 1 subject left. How did I get here? From 18th November to 6th December. Did I blink and miss everything? Lol. It was so fast. Too fast.

I know that when I started SPM I knew that it would be over and done with soon enough. But when I was in the second week, I felt like it was taking so long that I wouldn't be surprised if I grew older by another two years already. And then I finished the third week, and I was stumped. What? I only have one more day of SPM left? Oh no, oh no... It's ending. My last day of school for the rest of my life is coming and I don't know what to do. How do I make it special? Take my time and pack my bag (and risk Jessica nagging me to hurry up and why I'm suddenly taking such a long time to pack)? Walk extremely slowly down the stairs (and brace myself for the many whispered complaints from the people behind me who wanna get out of school as quickly as possible)? Haha.

I guess trying to make it special will make it not special. When you try to make your last school day special by doing all kinds of things that you normally wouldn't do, then it's not special anymore. Cause what makes it special is it's your last day doing what you always do in school. Packing your school bag at your normal pace, walking down the stairs and laughing with your friends... The one thing that's gonna change is that you'll stop and turn to look at your school one last time before you step out the school gates. Don't rush out. I hope you don't rush out. Don't get caught up in all the joy of finishing SPM that you forget to stop and look at your school for the last time. It's the last time you'll ever feel that comfortable, like you belong here. Cause the next time you step into this school, it's not your school anymore. It's not the same anymore. You're not a school student. That time's long gone. So... don't rush out lah OK? Haha.

We are never going to be the people we are now.
Things will never be the way they are now.
I am never going to know you the way I do now.
You are never going to meet the me you know now.
You and I will change. And the people we are now will disappear.
And that makes me sad. Because I really, really like the you I know right now.

Living, Breathing, Loving Life

Life doesn't happen to everyone.

Have you ever thought of that? You're alive. You're living, breathing. You're a human being with a soul. You're you. Special in every way, different in every aspect.

And this life only happens once. It doesn't happen to everyone, but when it does, it only happens once. You get one shot. It's hard, it's painful, it's complicated and we barely make it. But life is, above all else, beautiful. We love until we die. We feel until we die. Our hearts beat and break.

I look around me and I see what a scary world we live in; this temporary home of ours. It's a bad world. It really is. You read the papers and all the terrible things that happen everyday... It's really scary. Everyday I read the papers. And I'm reminded of how uncertain everything is. It doesn't matter what age you are or how much you've done (or haven't done) in your life, you never know when you might leave. Now at 17 I might say, "I'm too young to die." But even when I'm 40, I guess I'll still be saying, "I'm too young to die." We think that 24 hours in a day is not long enough. But it's enough. You're just spending it the wrong way.

Go through life knowing that you're making the most of it and giving it your best shot. Be able to tell yourself, "I'm doing my best. Everything I experience in this life, I'm making the most of it. Everyone I meet, I'm learning them, appreciating them, loving them." Stand where you are and look at what you have. Cause we always let all these moments pass us. Stand where you are and look, not just see. Then you'll be able to say that it's amazing from where you're standing. Life is amazing. There's a lot that we can give. And it's ours only for a moment.

Are you living life? Are you giving it all you've got? I wanna live life. I wanna give it all I've got. Cause it's a miracle that I'm alive. It's a miracle that life happened to me. And it's a miracle that it happened to you too.

I Really Wanna Be...

... a special agent.

Seriously. Really.

For quite some time now, I've wanted to be a special agent. As a career. Like, for the rest of my life. Haha. Yes, I have been watching way too many TV shows. I realize that all I watch nowadays either has to do with cops or doctors. Then in between all those there're nerds and heroes. Lol. The shows that I watch always have cops in 'em, like The Mentalist, FlashForward and plus Star World and AXN screens so many like CSI, Life, Castle, Warehouse 13. And the ones with doctors in 'em are Grey's Anatomy, FlashForward, Royal Pains... you get the picture.

OK, so back to the special agent thing. I think it's really cool. I wanna work for the FBI or the CIA. And I've done my research. Looked up the length of training I need to undergo, where the training centre is, the departments and units... Buthen, there's a problem: I'm not a citizen of the United States. So tak boleh lah. Haha. If I wanna be a federal agent, I have to work for Malaysia. Like, in the Special Branch, Unit Tindakan Cepat (I know, it sounds so... haha, but it's actually SWAT, y'knw) or Pasukan Gerakan Khas.

Ah ha, and another problem is, I am not fit enough to be a cop. I will never be fit enough to be a cop. Haha. I just can't chase after the baddies. My fitness level would be way below their requirements. If they did a fitness test on me, I'd have 0% muscle (except the amount of muscle that the human body normally has). Haha.

But let me dream a bit lah. Hehe. I've always liked the idea of having a gun strapped at my waist, a badge that looks oh so glamourous, being able to interrogate people, running after bad guys yelling, "Stop, FBI!" or "Stop, CIA!" (personally, I think shouting FBI sounds cooler)... Gaya sial lah. Lol. Then there's the whole aura that I'll exude that says, "I'm a Special Agent. You don't wanna mess with me." Haha. So yeah, right now I really wanna be a special agent. =)

On a totally different note, this question's been bugging me for awhile: Do fishes have ears? So I checked it out. And no, they don't have ears. Just thought you might wanna know that. Haha.

How do I reward myself after sitting for several exam papers?

I do one (or all :P) of the following (and not in order, hehe):

1) Play F1 2009 on the PSP
2) Watch an episode of either The Big Bang Theory, The Mentalist or FlashForward
3) Kill time on Facebook
4) Blogsurf and blog, haha

Ah, the simple pleasures of life for simple me :D

A Wedding Reception

I was at a wedding dinner y'day night held at Berjaya Times Square Hotel. Went with Uncle Drew, Aunty Mee Ching and Wei Lyn and family. We arrived quite early, like 6:30. Had to wait so long. But at least they had cocktails, so me and Jo makan habis all the spicy peanuts. Haha.

Got into the ballroom at 7:30. We (being me, Jo, Wei Shern and Wei Lyn) had our own table with another family. They were really friendly. Parents and two daughters. One of their daughters is a professional clown. Lol. Cool, cool. Haha. Oh, and they thought that I was in college. They were surprised when I said I'm in Form 5. I always, always get that. Met a lot of uncles and aunties from the other churches. I hardly get to see them. So it was nice.

Although we had to wait even longer until the food was served, the food more than made up for the wait. It was quite good. Not as lousy as the food served at the many wedding dinners I've been to. So anyway, here are some pictures. Feast your eyes. :)

If I knew how to Photoshop fangs into this image, I
would have a vampire for a brother :D

What a poser!

"Everyday you make me proud,
but today you get a card."

- 500 Days of Summer

More Than A Song

I was going through my secret book. Haha. It's this book where I write stuff like poems, quotes, thoughts and whatever else. But it's not really a secret now, is it? Lol. So anyway, I found something I wrote about music on 17th November 2008. I don't know what prompted me to write that, but I know I was inspired. And so, what else would I do when inspired than write? =)

Music takes me away from my troubles.

When I listen to a song, everything I'm going through fades away. I can only hear the words, the melody, the beat. I bask in the moment, free from all my pain and all my worries. Even for awhile, the music calms my soul and brings me to a place, a safe haven.

Then the music gradually fades, and silence returns to fill the empty space, and I am reminded that nothing has changed, reality remains. But just for a bit, the music gives me hope, gives me strength.

Music takes me away from my troubles.

I absolutely love music. It's a really beautiful thing. And it's one of my forms of expression. Not one day goes by that I do not listen to music. To me, music is therapeutic. When I write songs, music becomes cathartic. I find that I am able to put into words what I would otherwise have found difficult to convey. Music comes from the heart and not so much the mind.

It's everywhere, too. You can find music in anything. Close your eyes and listen to the sounds of everything around you. Simple things like the tapping of your keyboard, the sound of the fan spinning, my brother yelling my name... Haha. It's the sound of home. =] And as I dwell on that thought, I realize that music also captures memories. Just as a camera captures photographs, songs capture a moment in time and retains it in my memory forever. It reminds me of places, happenings, people.

Music has brought so much into my life. A life without music is an empty life to me.

The Giving Tree

Here's a story that I'd like to share. It's called "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. It's about a tree and a boy who are the best of friends during an idyllic childhood where he eats apples from the tree, climbs her trunk, swings from her branches and rests in her shade. Then things chance - as things always do - and the boy approaches the tree at all the various stages of his life, caught up more in wanting and needing from the tree than in just being with the tree. Each time has has a "need," the tree obliges and is happy for having done so. She doesn't have much, but gives all she has until eventually, she is nothing but a stump. At the end of all things, however, it turn outs a stump is just what the old man needs - a quiet place to sit down and rest and reflect. "And the tree was happy. The end."

This story reminds me of my relationship with You. How many times have I only come to You when I was in need. Or prayed to You asking for something for my own benefit. Through the tree, I see Your complete love to the point of emptying Yourself of all You are for me. Your unquestioning sacrifice, even for someone who isn't appreciating or understanding of what they have been given. All You want is just to be with the ones You love. The immensity of what You did on the cross is so overwhelming!

I've read somewhere before that says, "God died for You because He didn't want to live without you." You died for me because You didn't want to live without me. I don't ever want to do anything to break Your heart. I don't ever want to fall out with You and stray on my own path. I don't ever want anything in life that is not what You want for me. I don't ever want anything else but You.

All You Have Is Now

I am a person who is more occupied with my future plans rather than my current ones. I've always been the kind who looks ahead. And I like to have everything planned out. I wanna be in the know. What's going to happen after this year? "This is what's going to happen... " is what I would like to tell myself. But the truth is, I don't know. I haven't a clue what's going to happen. I can keep planning and figuring everything out for myself. In the end, I'm not the one who determines it.

There's the past, the present and the future. The past is real and it's always gonna be there. The present is the past rushing into the future; the point where both meet - now. And the future is what it is: some great unknown. Our lives are made up of the past, the present and the future. Equal attention must be paid to all three. Learn from the past. Live in the present. Hope in the future.

We spend a lot of time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Not after school, not after college, right now. This is it. It’s here. Blink and you’ll miss it. Did you say it? "You changed my life." "I love you." "I'll always remember you." All you wanted to say. Did you do it? Smile. Laugh. Cry. All you wanted to do. Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around. Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

Guess Who's Back?

WEI SHERN'S BACK!
Yay! I'm so happy he's back.
*Wide grin*
=D

You Could Be...

"You ever look at a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other people's life have we been in. Were we somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it." - Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

I have only lived for 17 years. I cannot claim to have been through much. Or that my eyes have seen a lot. Or that my heart has felt more than it has. But I have been through things. And my heart has felt a myriad of emotions. It has felt pain, disappointment, regret, confusion, despair and it has also felt love, hope, delight, gratitude, faith.

The quote above made me think. I may only be 17. But there is a lot in those years. Many people have crossed my path. And I have crossed many people's paths. I have been in and out of people's lives. You may not know me. But if you do, I hope that I have, in a way, impacted your life. That you are glad that we know each other. I don't want to be just another person to you. I want to be someone you remember.

I believe that everyone hopes that when they come to the end of their lives on earth, they may be able to say that they have been the best version of themselves and have been able to touch the lives of the people around them. You don't have to change someone's life. You only have to cause a slight ripple, make their lives a little brighter, give them a reason to keep on keeping on. Cause that's what life is about. People. They are all that matters. The people who were in your life and who are in your life; they're not just there by chance. There is a reason why they are there. Of all the people in the world, what are the chances that you would know the people you know right now? So be the best person that you can be to everyone who crosses your path. Cause you could be a big part of someone else's life, and it doesn't matter if you know it or you don't. Just as long as you know that you have been the best version of you.

6 Reasons Why I Like SPM

These are 6 reasons why I like SPM:

1) My family treats me strangely extremely well. Especially Jo and my elder brother, Jack. They always hug me when I get back from school and ask me how were my papers. "Hi Che. *Open arms." "Hey girl. *Open arms*" Haha. And Mum's really nice. Waking up early every morning just to see me off although she needn't because Melia picks me up. And Dad's also all about the hugs. "Hi Mandy. *Open arms* How were the papers?" I feel so pampered. Lol!

2) I get to experience You. It's been three days of SPM already. And thank God, my papers so far have been fine. I am not worried or anxious about it because I am so sure that all the answers were not from me. They were all from You. I didn't do anything at all. Hehe. That's how I want it to be. Nothing done in my strength. Nothing at all. Besides, who better to commit my papers to than the One who created all these in the first place? *Grins* And oh, You have been so faithful, so faithful! I can't tell You how much I love You but I hope that when You look at my heart, You'll know it's so full of love for You for everything You are to me.

3) Supportive friends. It's so nice to have this big group of friends. That means me, Jessica, Yoke Pei, Nette, Melia, Su Vien, Iri, Angel, Hannah... We always pray before every single paper. And when I'm done, I'll always go to meet Jessica, YP and Nette before leaving the hall. Then us and the others will leave school together. And I like the fact that we usually just relax before every paper, then we just commit everything to God before we go into the hall. And we don't discuss the paper. If we do, we discuss how we felt about it. And I know that I can always whine if my paper didn't go as well as I hoped and they would always be able to tell me something to make me feel better. Haha.

4) The fantastic atmosphere. I'm really into quietness and solitude. I am a loud person. Haha. But I have my silent times too. And what I like about SPM is that it's so serious so it makes me really serious too. Haha. You see, everytime I sit for exams or tests, I'm really serious. You can go as far as saying that I'm a different person in the exam hall cause I don't seem to know anyone else. When I'm done, I usually just look around at stuff or outside, but never at people. That's just how I approach exams and tests. Lol. I'm weird so you shouldn't be surprised. And I just love the feeling of sitting in the hall with all these invigilators walking around you. And I really love the fact that they're super exact about the time. Only the moment the long hand ticks past 12 then nie they let you start. Ooh, and the History Section B was really fun to tear out. Haha. Although I made a lot of noise. I was just trying to be quiet actually. Lol.

5) It only happens once in a lifetime. I always feel that I should treasure everything that I experience in life. And as a student, that includes exams. Which is why I'm really gonna miss SPM. I was excited when it started. But it's passing by so quickly I'm afraid that I'm losing the chance to cherish it. Haha. It's like SPM is going way too fast. Don't think about the results or having to study and all that, just look at it as an experience. One that you'll only ever have once. Unless you resit in the middle of 2010. Lol.

6) This is my last chance to be a student before it's gone forever. I just realized this today. Cause Mum said something like, "After SPM you'll be out of school forever. You can't be together with your friends anymore. You're all going different ways." Then I became all =(. Sentimental me. Lol. And what my mum said sounded so darn sad. Can't be together anymore. Haha. But it's true. I'll never walk these grounds and feel so comfortable. The next time I set foot in MGS, it'll be like, "Alah. Mana office tu ah?" And with my bad memory, that is so possible. Haha.

Leonard: Stars are pretty, aren't they?

Howard: Up above the world so high, like little diamonds in the sky.

Raj: That's beautiful, dude. You should write that down before someone steals it.

- The Big Bang Theory, Season 3

S P M

SPM 2009 begins tomorrow. The whole year of studying has been for these next four weeks. Wow. It's here. Haha. It's actually here. And I think I'm prepared. I'll go into the hall with guns (pens and 2B pencils XD) blazing. Lol. I never thought about how I would be in the days counting down to this major examination. But strangely enough, as I mentioned in my previous post, I am at peace. I thank You so much for being all I need, all I've ever needed and all I'll ever need. With You, I can say with absolute confidence, "I'm OK and I'll be OK." So when I begin this 10-day adventure tomorrow, I know You'll come along with me. Just me and You in a quiet hall. We'll have fun, yes? =]

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
But I trust in the name of the Lord my GOD!"
Psalm 20:7

Hi, I'm BA029A003

I went to school today to arrange the places and do other stuff for SPM. The school held some motivational programme (or they thought it was motivational cause it wasn't for me; I prefer the motivational programme held when I was sitting for PMR 2007) before break. During break, I got to meet Puan Giam. Angel saw her actually, then she told me and we both ran to meet her. Then she said this to me in Hokkien: "Ah neh sui cha boh," or something like that. Lol. I dunno whether I wrote it correctly or if some words are wrong. Haha. But that's just how it sounded to me. She wished me and Angel all the best and God bless.

After break, they divided the students and sent most of the classes to the other classrooms. Only 5D, 5S and 5P students remained in the hall. So I had to find a table for myself. I got a pretty stable one. Everyone else was wetting and wiping their tables. I didn't have to do that cause my table was surprisingly extremely clean. Hehe. And I got my favourite gray chair. Oh, and I'm sitting beside Usha. What a surprise. I thought maybe I'd be sitting beside Ciuyi. Then Angel's behind me and Melia and Su Vien are pretty close by. It's too bad that Jessica, YP and Nette are damn far from me.

So anyway, I am sitting in the first row on the left, third table from the front. It's a pretty nice place. I'm satisfied =D I sit right beside the open doors, so I get a cool windy breeze every once in awhile. And of course, I sit so in front so I get to see the huge clock that ticks away the minutes until SPM ends for me =)

Then I got my SPM slip, which I call my SPM receipt because it actually has some price at the bottom. It doesn't look as nice as the one that I got for PMR. And then I got my sijil berhenti too. Nice blue paper. Haha. Ah. With all these official documents presented to me already and a table with my name on it in the MGS hall, all that's left is for me to actually sit for the exam. I'm not feeling stressed now. I've been stressed the whole year, but it's strange how when it actually comes to the moment, I feel an indescribable peace. Now I know that I had to go through all that stress to know that the peace I feel now comes from You and You alone. =] Oh, and before I left the hall today, I turned to my table, tapped it and said, "I'll see you Wednesday. Be nice to me." Haha.

One order of the SPM 2009 exam. RM163.50, please? XD

Effective after 8th December =D

My place for the next four weeks

Study, study, study =)

Marchin' On

For those days we felt like a mistake
Those times when love's what you hate
Somehow, we keep marchin' on
For those nights when I couldn't be there
I've made it harder to know that you know
That somehow, we'll keep movin' on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin' on

For all of the plans we've made, there isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care if we bend, I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin' on
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know we're not what we've seen
For this dance we'll move with each other
There ain't no step other than one foot right in front of the other

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bonds that we save
But we'll have the heart not to lose it
We put one foot in front of the other
We move like we ain't go no other
We go when we go
We're marchin' on

Falling head over heels in love with OneRepublic's latest, Waking Up. Ryan Tedder has got to be my favourite songwriter in the whole world! Haha. Somehow the songs that he writes are just so beautiful. The words he chooses and the way they match each other with the music being the finishing touch. And the one thing that I absolutely love is how he incorporates strings into the music. Yay, strings! Haha. I wish I could write songs like that. Ah... =]

What's Your Toothpaste?

What's the first thing you do when you wake up? Brush your teeth. If that wasn't the answer for any of you, then you must be an unhygienic person with bad breath. Haha. It's OK if you're not for toothbrushes and lean more towards Listerine or chewing gum. I'm not judging. Lol.

I am very particular about my toothpaste. Brushing my teeth may just be a normal routine thing and you may think, "Who cares what toothpaste I use? As long as I brush my teeth WITH toothpaste, can adi lah." Lol. But why don't you start your day with an adventure? Try on different kinds of toothpastes. It gives meaning to the otherwise boring act of running a brush over every single tooth in your mouth. *Grins* Or it does for me. Haha. It makes me look forward to brushing my teeth. I jump out of bed and think, "Ooh. Apple mint today. I wonder how that will taste." Haha.

When I was a kid, I was a sucker for Colgate Pokemon toothpaste. My preference was the Pikachu Bubble Fruit one with blue gel. Love it! The blue gel was all sparkly and it tasted yummy. Haha. But I didn't eat it lah, OK. I also used Oral-B Stages Buzz Lightyear toothpaste. That was real nice too. But Pikachu all the way lah. Haha. What toothpaste did you use as a kid? Do tell. =D

I always wanted to keep using children's toothpaste, buthen my mum said that I couldn't anymore because I was all grown up and should use adult toothpaste. Haha. So now, I use all kinds of toothpaste. I don't just stick to one. So far, I have used Colgate Propolis (beautiful yellow gel), Colgate Kayu Sugi (which was horrible, don't buy it), Colgate Herbal White (nice green and white stripes), Darlie Hydro Gel (water from the Alps or something), Fresh & White Apple Mint (this absolutely rocks) and Pearl Drops Whitening (which acts as a mouthwash too =D), to name a few.

I don't like it when my mum buys Darlie, the normal kind. Like, so boring! Aiyoh. At least special toothpastes motivate me to brush my teeth. Haha. The rest of my family uses Darlie, except for my brothers, because they have to use whatever I use since all our toothbrushes are at the same sink. Hehe. Mum and Dad can keep using their Darlie lah.

So yes, brushing your teeth can be a fun activity. Hehe. Now what are you waiting for? Go and get a weird toothpaste and see if trying out different toothpastes makes you as happy as it makes me. Hohoho. XD

Haven't Met You Yet

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I've stopped keeping track
I talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility

I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, babe, that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Cause somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, babe, that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

Ah. I love every single lyric in this song! It's so right. Haha. Loving Michael Buble's Crazy Love. The songs are all about love and so jazzy. Hehe. *Dreamy smile*

Oh MGS, My School Most Dear

I went to school today and was greeted (as is the norm lately) by gasps followed by, "What're you doing here?" "Ey, you suddenly come school so many days wan." "Amanda, you're here!" Haha. All the teachers and my classmates are always so surprised whenever I appear in school. So anyway, yes, I went to school today - alone. And it was officially my last day in school (because when I'm in school for SPM, it's not official schooling period and only Form 5s are around).

School was pretty OK. The whole day felt normal until it came to the end of school. I walked really slowly and tried to take everything in. "Oh man, this is it. This is the last time I'm going to stand here in these clothes," I thought. Yeah. I'm like that. Haha. I always wanna treasure every last moment I get for whatever it is that I will never experience again. Cause I'm a person who hates goodbyes. I really do. I don't like it when good things (and yes, school is a good thing) end. But they always do, don't they? And I'm leaving this part of my life. I'll be transitioning into a whole new chapter. I'm reluctant to close this chapter but I've no control over it. *Sniff sniff* No, I'm not crying. Haha. Although my throat is a bit choked. Hehe.

I looked all around me and realized that I would miss it all so much. Puan Ting watching me sleep in Chemistry class as she explains carbon compounds. Puan Tan teaching me Add Maths with so much energy. Puan Rosnani asking me why I didn't do my work again and letting me off the hook anyway. Puan Sheila letting me speak my mind in her class. Puan Hashirene not scolding me although I never copy anything that she writes on the board. Mr Teh asking me when I'm gonna teach him to play the guitar. Puan Nadiah being patient with me when I mess around before ordering what I want at the koperasi. Yoke Pei tolerating my daily abuse. Jessica knocking me on the head whenever I say something stupid. Lynnette giving me a reason to laugh everyday. Beverlea walking all around school with me.

School is such a big part of my life. I suddenly find it hard to leave it. And yet, I have to. It all comes to an end even if I try to slow down and remember everything I see, everything I hear, everything I feel. I know that I'll always miss it. When I go to college, university and work, a part of me will always miss school. =)

I'm so happy that MGS has yellow socks XD

I'll miss you, pinafore and school shoes ='(

Someday

Maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Keep It Down!

MY NEIGHBOURS HAVE GOT TO TURN DOWN THEIR VOLUME!
I am trying to study and they're playing loud music with extremely gay beats!
I'm losing it! Argh! Gah! Ish!
I miss my previous neighbours...
They never made noise and they always invited us over for Raya.
*Sniff sniff* =(

I Write...

What's a blogger, really? Have you thought about that?

I've been blogging since I was 12. I have run out of things to write about that my blog has died countless times and come back to life again. Sometimes it's cause I really don't feel like blogging or I really want to blog but I just have nothing to blog about. But how true is the latter?

Being a staunch believer in the truth of all of Wikipedia's articles (=D), I Wiki-ed blogger and it gave me a very boring definition: a person who writes a blog. I define a blogger as a person who can take anything that happens in his/her life and make it interesting. Maybe it's just an excuse when I say I have nothing to blog about. Because being a blogger is taking even the most mundane occurrences in your life and making it sound like the exact opposite.

I blog because I love writing. I like how my thoughts can flow out through my fingers and become words. I like that my words can connect with another person and turn out to be the unspoken words of their heart which they found hard to express. Writing makes everything clear. It gives me insight about myself. It gives me insight about others. It is my avenue of expressions. It lets me say what I want to say the way I want to say it. Sometimes, I surprise even myself with the things I have written. Writing makes me happy. It gives me permission to speak from the heart. It is the swing and swirl of words that tangle with human emotions. It shows me how complex and yet how pure these emotions are.

Do you love writing but you think you can't? I used to think I couldn't. But when I start writing, I stop thinking. I just write from my heart. Write about anything and everything. Everything I see or experience, I find something to write about. Look closely and you'll soon realize that everything in life is writable. Haha. The best way to write is to fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. And along the way, you will discover yourself.

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Anais Nin

I have something to say and I want to be heard. And so, I write...